Breakfast Time, 12/13/10

- So Geico has entirely too many commercials as it is, but lately they've been running one that's a real headscratcher. Below is the key moment; basically this blonde suit is laying into the gecko in a case of "hilarious" mistaken identity.

Gecko explains he's not the Stanley from San Diego in question, blonde apologizes and leaves. I know, GOLD.

But here's what's going unsaid in this commercial. Even though the woman was wrong to accuse the gecko, it's still impliedly true that:

1. She fucked a lizard.

2. Instead of feeling shame and horror at 1, she's pissed that she never got a call or a second date.

3. SHE FUCKED A LIZARD.

Why is this ok, Geico???

- Let me tell you what is a horrorshow in Brooklyn, and that is shopping at our one and only Target. Imagine that Godzilla is real and has surfaced in the Atlantic. Imagine that we know he is coming to New York and will get here in two days. This Target looks like it's experiencing that level of panic and anarchy every damn day.

That isn't really my point, though. When I was in Anarchy Target the other day, the guy behind me in line was getting food items and ONLY food items. He was grocery shopping. At Target. Not Super Target, REGULAR Target. He was essentially telling anybody within sight that he couldn't give less of a shit about fruits or vegetables or anything not dusted with honey mustard powder. This man was going to go straight home, crack open that Sierra Mist, pop some Stouffer's French Bread Pizza in the oven, and enjoy some pretzels while dinner bubbled away. That's horrifying.

- I have ranted and raved about infuriating subway behavior many a time on these hallowed pages, but most of it occurs on the subway or the platform. There is, however, a separate behavior which is technically outside of these confines but equally awful.

That is a stairway leading into a subway. This lady and her child are doing the right thing - they are walking on the steps. You know what the wrong thing is? STANDING ON THE STEPS AND USING YOUR CELL PHONE BECAUSE YOU'LL LOSE RECEPTION IF YOU GO INSIDE BUT GOD FORBID YOU GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY.

Is it possible some people are so important that they have to take these calls and be ready to move quickly to another location? Yes. Those people do not ride the subway. They are Secret Service agents or ambulance drivers or Batman.

- SkyMall Item of the Day: Like any well-run business, SkyMall keeps close tabs on inventory and makes sure to break things down into useful and sensible categories for the consumer. For instance, this is the first item listed in "New Arrivals - Sports."

Look, SkyMall, I appreciate that you're trying to make nerdy kids feel cool and involved and not shunned. I really do. But this is about as far from sports as you can get.

Breakfast Time, 12/2/10

- Illogical Lyrics in Rap Songs

Young MC's hit "Bust A Move" features these lines towards the end of the song:

Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry

In five days from now he's gonna marry

He's hopin' you can make it there if you can

'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man

So...Larry is asking you to be his best man. And not his brother. And the wedding is less than a week away. And you haven't even RSVPed. And presumably if you don't show, Harry is the fallback option. If you do show, Harry gets demoted to usher.

Young MC, you are describing the way a wedding party is chosen in the same way that pickup kickball is organized. Observe:

Your best friend Rod has a brother Todd

He's getting together a kickball squad

Are you available on the following dates?

If you say yes, you'll play first base

- This Tampa story is old, but GOD where to begin. Why did you gather up the used remnants of your fireworks from the beach? Why did you put them in your car? And once the car was on fire, why did you get burned on 10% of your body trying to get the keys? SPOILER ALERT: lack of keys was not going to be the reason you weren't driving that '91 Lexus in the future.

Sadly, this totally sounds like something my sister would do. "But Mom, you told me to leave things better than I found them, and I couldn't find a trash can, so I had to put the fireworks scraps in the car!"

- SkyMall Item of the Day:

If you're looking to dump your significant other this holiday season, do it by giving them one present and one present only - a spiral ham from SkyMall. Nothing says "I don't care about your feelings anymore" like SkyMall Ham.

The most sacrilegious thing you'll read all day, unless you get a drunken sext from Christopher Hitchens

The other day I had an idea. Well, no, not an idea - a revelation.

Though the Abrahamic faiths differ on whether the messiah has come or not (but hey, it's totally an agree-to-disagree situation!), they all concur that God will send humanity a redeemer. And my revelation is this:

Jonathan Brandis is/was the Messiah. You want proof? I GOT PROOF, HOMEY.

1. Jonathan Gregory Brandis was born the only child of Mary. Mary Brandis and her husband Greg. Greg was a firefighter and food distributor, which is basically our modern day equivalent of a carpenter. Was young Jonathan taught how to put out chemical fires as a child at his father's knee? I think we can all be sure of that. JB was born in Danbury, CT, and if you rearrange the letters in "Danbury" you get "A Dry Nub" which is clearly meant to indicate that his parents could not conceive naturally. Therefore, JB's birth was a MIRACLE.

2. Brandis got his first big role on One Life to Live. Like I even have to explain how poetic that shit is. His first starring role in a movie? The Neverending Story II. Let me cite the book of Revelation, Chapter 22, Verse 13 here:

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

It's as if young JB was trying to tell us all along that he was the one true savior. But were we ready to listen? Sadly, perhaps not.

3. The Miracles of Brandis

Ladybugs: In this film, JB plays soccer standout Matthew, and his mother's boyfriend Rodney Dangerfield convinces him to dress like a girl and be known as Martha. Cross-dressing is no miracle, you say? True.

BUT. Consider that Biblical Martha was witness to the resurrection of her brother, Lazarus. And Matthew is considered the first evangelist. Call it a coincidence; when I am frolicking with JB in Paradise and you are stuck in hell with Zachery Ty Bryan, we'll see what you think then.

Sidekicks: Asthmatic loser ends up fighting side by side with Chuck Norris. I think we can put this in the "confirmed miracle" column.

SeaQuest DSV: I understand if up until now you've doubted me. That's fine; that's actually perhaps healthy.

But then we have the dolphin that can FUCKING TALK.

That's right. This dolphin - cleverly named "Darwin" as a dig against those who still seriously claim that evolution has any scientific basis whatsoever - was given the gift of speech on SeaQuest, the hit television documentary. And who gave him this gift? That's right: OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JONATHAN BRANDIS.

4. JB's Death

As we all learned as dutiful schoolchildren, Jonathan Brandis met his untimely end at the age of 27 by what the Godless left-wing media falsely called suicide. A few points on this subject.

- JB died in Los Angeles (The City of Angels) after being taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital (named for the mount where Moses received the Ten Commandments).

- Many attribute his "suicide" to frustration with his Hollywood career. Many people unfairly generalize Hollywood as dominated by Jews. JB knew our weak minds, however, and this was yet another clue for us; Jerusalem, after all, was known as "Roman Hollywood."

- Jesus died at age 33. This means that JB was able to accomplish his Messiahdom in 81% of the time it took Jesus. How can you not be impressed by that efficiency?

5. The Hard Evidence

I hesitate to share this with you, for I know it will only lead to my demise at the hands of an obsessed mob of worshippers. But, after pulling my dinner out of the oven the other night, I found myself staring at this wonder of wonders...

Glory be to you, Lord Jonathan Brandis!

EMERGENCY HALLOWEEN COSTUME

Worried that Halloween is looming and you're still without a kickass outfit? Don't fret. Follow these simple steps.

1. Find a buddy who is also costumeless. Put on normal street clothes.

2. Each of you then affixes one of these snazzy stickers to your person.

3. Constantly ask people if they can dig it.

Give a man a flux capacitor, and he time travels for but a day

It is widely accepted that Back To The Future shifted, almost seismically, our collective understanding of man, God, nature, and the soul. Marty McFly embodies a philosophy that many of us can claim for ourselves, even if we lack the poetry and talent to describe it.

But did you know that this film is more than just one of the world's most important epistemological works? In fact, it is also the most socially conscious movie ever.

OBSERVE! Among the serious and sobering topics addressed in Back To The Future are:

- Nuclear proliferation!

- Truancy!


- America's ever-expanding prison population!

- The questionable ethics of animal experimentation!

- The threat of terrorism on U.S. soil!


- Urban sprawl!


- Post-racial politics! (Fact: Mayor Goldie Wilson was doing his thing when Obama was still in undergrad.)


- Underage drinking!


- Date rape!
- The inherent shiftiness of gingers!


- The collapse of the American automobile industry!

- Alternative energy sources!


Yeah, I'd say that pretty much covers everything except gay marriage and Brett Favre's dick. But it has Billy Zane and Huey Lewis, so I'm sure we can all agree that makes up for it.

well, this is horrifying

so i'm looking for a picture of a kid using a skip-it on google images. you know, the usual high-priced lawyer business. and i find this:

that's certainly not bad, but i want to know what my other option are. so, i click on "similar" hoping for something with a little more razmatazz (i have no idea what that means).

and this is what i get.
very brahsome of you, google. but seriously, i just wanted pictures of people playing with skip-it. these are all sexy ladies in sexy almost-no-clothing. are you drunk and horny, google? i told you, i don't think of you that way.

OK I'M SORRY GOSH

look. i know it's been inexcusably long since i posted something. but i'm sorry that putting raptor heads on people bodies takes up a lot of my time now. (this is a lie; i am not one bit sorry.)

will things change? if you each send me $5,000 then yes, i will post every day. and not just about stupid crimes occurring in the greater tampa bay area. if you don't, well, then who knows. i'm not here to make friends.

that said, i had lunch with a work buddy today who, out of nowhere, insisted that he once had a law school professor who looked like the hamburglar. i was dubious, as the hamburglar's most defining characteristics are the ones which normal people never have, including:

- his outfit, which consists of old-timey striped prison garb, a lone ranger mask, and a big floppy hat
- lacking any knowledge of language other than "rubble rubble"
- only trying to steal people's hamburgers, and not, say, their purses or cars or social security numbers. which you would think could lead to money. which buys hamburgers.

(incidentally, while we're here, the crime of burglary involves entering a building for the purposes of committing an offense therein. robbery, on the other hand, is taking something by force or threat of force. so you cannot rob a house. similarly, you cannot burgle a food item. but i understand that "The Hamburobber" probably didn't test well with children ages 4-10.)

work friend was undeterred. he conceded that the professor didn't dress like the hamburglar but still, through some mysterious miracle of nature, he looked like the hamburglar.

this is the professor in question:


and this is the hamburglar:

SWEET LORD WHERE TO BEGIN.

first, underneath his jaunty hat, the hamburglar has red hair which he has neatly parted. (why he takes such care of his 'do when he's going to wear a hat, i have no idea.) professor dude is basically totally bald and CLEARLY he has never been a redhead.

second, the hamburglar has one and only one tooth, center stage. maybe he's pissed about this rendering him unable to eat most solid foods and therefore wants to steal everyone else's burger so they can share in his pain? that's profound. professor, based on the photo, has a minimum of six teeth. you know, LIKE A REAL PEOPLE.

third and finally, hamburglar has four fingers. we have no way of knowing if the professor is a run-of-the-mill owner of ten digits, but for the sake of argument, let's say he also only has four on each hand. if that's the case, then:

A. work friend should probably have said, "well, he partly looks like the hamburglar because he lacks pinkies."
B. that is a really dickbag way to talk about a handicapped person. you don't go up to some guy who got half his hand blown off in 'Nam and say "hey, you're just like Raphael!"

but good effort, work friend. you jazzed up an otherwise dull lunch by forcing me to get all angry about a mcdonaldland character. still, if you speak ill of mayor mccheese, i will end you.