Thursday, November 19, 2009

omegle returns, or, really, i'm a grown man with a job

Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: asl
You: 15/robot/robot slave farm
Stranger: fuck off
You: GIVE US FREE
Stranger: are u on face book
You: robot master only allows robot to use myspace and j date
Stranger: which country
You: roboguay

Stranger: wanna cyber?
You: tru
Stranger: m or f?
You: f
Stranger: sweet :DF
You: ok so we're riding bikes together in the forest
Stranger: :D
Stranger: i see a lake, with a small beach
Stranger: so i call you over
You: then i tell you it's really hard to ride a bike on the sand
You: but i try anyways
You: and i fall
Stranger: i run over to you
Stranger: to make sure youre allright
You: it really hurts
You: all up in my boobs
Stranger: "want me to massage them for you?"
Stranger: i ask
You: you die

Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: as;
Stranger: asl*
You: 25/f/scotland
You: do you like sports?
Stranger: ya
You: what sports do you like
Stranger: hockey football and lacrosse
You: ew boy sports
You: i only like girl sports
You: like gymnastics
You: or hairdressing
You: or shitty basketball


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

breakfast time, 11/17/09


- courtesy of the infamous rackastic: tampa man is approached by greek orthodox priest in his vestments. tampa man proceeds to clock priest with a tire iron, chase him for three blocks, and call 911 claiming priest is a terrorist. oh, tampa man also says terrorist priest wanted tampa man to suck his dick. of course.

- you go to atlantic city expecting to see weird and uncomfortable shit, but nothing was as off-putting to me as the seven year old boy in the men's room using the urinal and just looking CASUAL AS HELL about it. no. you don't prop your arm up like you had a long day at the gravel pit, lil' dawg. you're seven. if you get more pee in the urinal than on your person, it's a major victory. act your age.

- jesus. did 60,000 people really take the LSAT in september? are you all that bored? or do you just feel like you need a little debt you can never be rid of to spice things up?

- SkyMall Item of the Day: how many times have you been driving in your car, eager to tear into a piping hot open-faced turkey sandwich covered in gravy? let's be conservative and say 1000 times. and i bet many of those times you said, "well, i don't have that lead apron they give you when you're getting an x-ray taken, so i better hold off lest i soak my chinos in gristle."

skymall hears your cries, friend.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

rantings of a long island prisoner

maybe it's the fact that i was stuck working in hicksville (actual town name), long island until 10:30 last night, but i feel it's very important that you all know the following RIGHT NOW.

- on the subway today, people were holding the doors open to let stragglers in. though this is discouraged by the transit authority, it is common, and i will confess to having committed this sin on occasion. the subway operators usually stick to a canned script about "please do not hold the doors blah blah" but not tonight! tonight she decided to inform my fellow passengers and me that "when you hold the doors, you just make everyone get home later."

that's technically true. but, by the very act of blocking the doors and not permitting the train to depart, people are demonstrating that they are not greatly influenced by the shame of delaying less-tardy subway riders. so this plea is falling on deaf ears.

what i think she should have said was "passengers: when people hold the train doors, they are indicating that they don't give a damn about your schedule. they think they're more important than you are. teach them some damn manners and beat some ass."

so then i daydreamed for the rest of the ride about a full-on brawl in a moving subway car. (in case you're wondering, i think the best strategy is to go for a judo approach and use the attacker's momentum against him or her. maybe let them throw a punch and then direct them, headfirst, into a pole.)

- a friend of mine - we'll call her Racktastic, because it's one of the better nicknames I've ever bestowed upon someone - insisted that she wouldn't be a phone sex operator because it probably didn't pay enough. after i effectively lawya'd her argument to pieces, she conceded she had no idea what phone sex operators make and would have to investigate.

i of course promptly forgot about this conversation. that is, until i woke up the next morning after a good night of fundrinkery and saw i had an email from Racktastic, subject line "Phone Sex."

um, Racktastic is married. and not "married and looking" married. so you can imagine my terror at that moment. i didn't remember propositioning Racktastic, or anyone else for that matter, for phone sex that night. but one never knows when a weird, House-style neurological affliction may strike!

the e-mail, of course, was just Racktastic reporting in on her research into phone sex operator pay. apparently $10 to $25 an hour is not unheard of! so, Racktastic's husband, i apologize ahead of time for your wife's sudden change of career path.

- it is extremely annoying to me when people say "cheers" to mean "goodbye." if you're british, or at least can fake a good british accent, i guess that's one thing. otherwise, i'm just going to start saying things like "bon appetit" in place of "you're welcome."

- as you can probably guess, long island is terrible. i had two completely separate michigan natives comment to me that long island was gross and poorly laid out and visually miserable. it's not like these people were from hawaii or brazil or someplace great and dazzling. but they are both absolutely correct...

...except that i spotted a Q-ZAR in long island. (i won't link to the website because it blares house music at you, and you don't need that in your life.) laser tag can make anything better. even crap-ass long island.

this brings the worthwhile things about long island to a grand total of 4: q-zar, soledad o'brien, dr. j, and telly savalas.

Friday, November 06, 2009

out of office

no ms paint brilliance today, but feel free to get down with your bad self while i'm out. i won't tell.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

yes you can!

Dear Teabaggers (at least I think that's what you call yourselves),

It's come to my attention that you've fallen out of the media spotlight a bit lately, and, if you don't shake things up a bit, you're destined to fade away entirely. Now, I don't happen to support your political agenda, but I think a vocal political opposition is perfectly healthy for our democracy, so I'm gonna help you out.

Frankly, you need to jazz up your signage. For a while you were pretty sizzlin', comparing Obama to Hitler and the USSR and all that good shit. Unfortunately, it didn't really seem to bother the President, and that's what you need to do - fluster him a little. The key is to get on all of Obama's personal shit and deliver the perfect burn.

As an expert in burnage, I'm happy to help. Here are but a few samples.

1. Flip the Kanye Script

You might recall President Obama describing Kanye West as a jackass for ruining Taylor Swift's MTV Music Award win. But, I ask you, how many platinum records has Obama got? Did Obama produce H to the Izzo? Quit clownin, prez.


2. Mock his B-Ball Skills

It's no secret that our president loves roundball. Dude probably plays nearly every day. Now you could make a sign about how he'd be better off spending more time fixing the economy and less time perfecting his crossover...


...or you could make this dope-ass sign. Get outta Queen B's house, Obama!

3. Who Bowls a 37?


Seriously. That was pathetic. Don't let the American people forget this travesty. I say five gutter balls in a row should be an impeachable offense.

4. Entourage Sucks

And yet the President claims to LOVE this show. It isn't good, and we all know it. If you disagree, well, why don't you just move to Norway with your life partner and grow meth plants?

5. Full House > White House


Speaks for itself. Bonus points if you can attach a talkboy that says "You're in big trouble, mister!"

With signs like these, you'll be plastered all over HuffPo and the Times just like you used to be.

Sincerely,

Ryan

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

this is why intraconference dating is a bad idea

kaitlin: cause i feel like terrifying you
me: hey well i guess it's time for me to go get lunch! might be gone awhile! like a year or so!
me:i return your freakout
kaitlin: touche sir
touche
also nothing coming out of my womb will ever live in such a room.
me: that rhymed!

breakfast time, 11/4/09

(of course mussels are a breakfast food. don't be ridiculous.)

- florida media: how can you write a story with the headline "Nude Guy Covered in Feces Nabbed" and NEVER ONCE explain why he's covered in said feces? it's like you don't even get me a little.

- i think we all agree that frozen waffles, especially eggos, are delightful and a perfectly acceptable alternative to fresh made waffles. but why is it that frozen pancakes - and trust me on this if you've never had them - are just gawdawful? science, you better get your shit together.

- this cnn.com article that you shouldn't read is entitled "3 Steps to a Better Retirement." steps 1 and 2 are save money and work longer. some game-changing advice there. i'll stick to my own three step plan, thank you:

1. make sex tape with batman
2. blackmail batman for millions
3. retire

- SkyMall item of the Day: Good lord. Just when I think we cannot get any lazier. That's too depressing to be the item of the day, so let's try again.

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. I like that it's specifically designed to "impress in any grand hall." Do people who own homes with a grand hall shop on SkyMall? I know, I shouldn't doubt the SkyMall marketing team. I just wonder sometimes, that's all.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

snuggie, the blanket with sleeves and hate!

ahem.

below are three commercials for the snuggie. watch em, don't watch em, that's up to you, but i've gone over these painstakingly, and you know what they're missing? a single minority wearing the snuggie. apparently white folk are more than welcome to use the snuggie for anything - reading, making s'mores, watching an outdoor sporting event, even raising the damn roof.







wonder why that is? i'm sure it's just a coincidence. it's not like the snuggie reminds me of anythin...wait a damn second.


you racist-ass motherfuckers.

election day

of course it would be the green party candidate for city council leaving more leaflets in my entryway than all the other candidates combined. dipshit.