it's about setting the tone

when i arrived in tampa for christmas, the very first place my mother dragged me was to marshall's.

when i returned to new york, one of the first things I saw in jfk was two pigeons flying around.  inside of baggage claim.

H. Steve Bowl Preview - Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Merry X-Mas, Snitches.

Sorry to leave you all hanging - tore up my tris something fierce at the gym last week and couldn't lift my arms from my sides for DAYS.  You say you want to be Handsome Steve?  Comes with a price, Billy Brocean.

Let's do this.

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL - Hawaii v. Notre Dame, Dec. 24, Honolulu

1.  Quarterback Hair

So, um, this is Hawaii QB Greg Alexander:

BORING.  BORING AS HELL.  You're a quarterback, dammit, not a Subway Sandwich Artist.

Let me just make this perfectly clear - I am a great quarterback.  And it's not because I don't throw picks, or because I can hit receivers in stride, or even because I can scramble.

It's because men want leaders with great fucking hair.  End of story.

Compare this to Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen:

Before you say anything, yes, I know his hair doesn't look like this anymore.  The point is the kid is capable of greatness.  Seventeen picks to twenty touchdowns?  Only about six yards per passing attempt?  Only one stat matters: eight inches of beautiful, silky smooth tresses.

2.  Sponsor

Sheraton?  Yeah, Steve'll lay you there.

3.  Random Statistic

Better get to stretching punters!  I thought Hawaii's 35.5% third down conversion was bad.  Then I saw Notre Dame's 34.7%.  Insider tip: Handsome Steve never punts.

4.  Style

Normally you'd think I'd go with the leis, but the coaches are always wearing them over shirts.  Fucking lame.  I thought the whole point was it drew the eye to the nipple?  I didn't butter cream the hell out of these babies for nothing, you know.

Prediction:

Hawaii 28, Notre Dame 20.  Shouldn't have cut that hair, Jimmy.

breakfast time, 12/23/08

- if this surprises you, i'm betting you are over forty.

- this is not the secret. this is the secret.

- wait, one of the members of rilo kiley was the female lead in the wizard? what??

- SkyMall item of the day: I like that not one but TWO reviewers discussed their need of this product because they live in a "scorpion-plagued house." SkyMall - demonstrating that, truly, the end times are nigh.

the tv lord giveth, and the tv lord taketh away

two shows have recently intrigued me, for entirely different reasons.

the first is million dollar listing, on bravo, the premise of which is relatively simple: follow around three young white male real estate brokers in southern california who deal only in expensive-ass properties. needless to say i'm intrigued to see how recent economic developments play out, mostly in hopes that these jackasses find themselves totally adrift and without any other marketable skills.

but the real beauty of million dollar listing is chad rogers. the english language may not provide me with the necessary tools to describe this...thing. after watching 2 episodes i cannot decide if this guy is:

a) just putting on an incredibly toolish veneer
b) naturally a tool
c) was not previously a tool but has been doing option a for so long that option b has become true

just astonishing stuff. fortunately i just look at this picture whenever i need some comfort.

this guy looks like he-man and herman's hermits had a baby and peed on it.



the second show, which is much MUCH less aggravating, is Throwdown with Bobby Flay. premise here is that mr. flay goes around amurica challenging local soccer moms to "throwdowns" in which he tries to best their locally noted dish - something like chili or mac and cheese or ribs or whatever. at the end a panel of judges blind taste tests the selections and picks a winner. sounds sort of boring and predictable i bet.

WRONG. BECAUSE BOBBY FLAY ALWAYS LOSES.

in five seasons of this show, bobby flay has a record of 18 wins, 1 tie and 40 LOSSES. the man is a professional chef, for fuck's sake. and he's losing to the culinary equivalent of harriet miers! for some reason, watching bobby lose and lose and lose (especially the steak episode, which, you know, just happens to be one of the man's specialties) brings me a quiet but steady joy. i don't dislike the man, i'm just waiting for him to snap:

"Really? Suzy the assistant manager at Marshall's makes better arepas than I do? Fuck you all." (pisses on Suzy's dog)

my favorite theory on this is that flay did something horrendous and food network concocted this show as penance. and nothing is more watchable than penance, dammit.

breakfast time, 12/22/08

- Some people just have to be negative about awesomeness, I guess.

- I love you, McSweeney's.

- Maybe you had a bad year. But I'm pretty sure you didn't: 1)accidentally get your girlfriend pregnant 2) find your mom getting busted on felony drug charges 3) have to deal with all of this being incredibly public knowledge

Head up, Levi!

- SkyMall item of the day: Pretty sure this is why we invented pizza rolls.

breakfast time, 12/19/08

- Finally, a bailout I can support.

- I'm not supposed to admit that I like this, but dammit, I really do.

- Please remind me why I am still registered to vote in Florida.

- SkyMall item of the day: Based on my previous experience with umbrellas costing less than 30 dollars, I predict this breaks within 7 minutes of you first opening it.


How Did Ed Westwick Feel This Week?


a) Hungry, but not sure for what. Tacos? No, he had chips and salsa for lunch...

b) Confused and exposed, like a baby bird left alone in the nest

c) Itchy

d) Nervous that the media will discover his terrible secret










If you guessed A, you're right!

H. Steve's Bowl Preview - New Mexico Bowl

Hey kids, these cinder blocks aren't gonna curl themselves, so let's just dive the hell in.









NEW MEXICO BOWL - Dec. 20, Albuquerque, NM, Colorado State v. Fresno State

1. Quarterback Hair

I did not know you could have one dude play all-time quarterback in college football. Especially when, in both permutations, said dude has mediocre hair. Seriously, no frosted tips? No rat-tail? No shaved in design? WEAK.

2. Sponsor

My research indicates the sponsor for the New Mexico Bowl is the New Mexico Department of Tourism. Which is another way of saying there is no sponsor. This, of course, explains the suck-ass trophy:

"The game trophy is 20-inch piece of Zia Pueblo pottery, painted with Pueblo symbols, the New Mexico Bowl logo, football players, and the logos of the competing teams."
Pretty sure I made that for my mom in 1997 at summer camp. Speaking of, damn the shirt from that year looks great on me. Tight in all the right places, which, on me, happens to be every place.

3. Random Statistic

Colorado State's second leading receiver is 5' 9" and weighs ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE POUNDS. By comparison, the starting kicker for Fresno State, a freshman, is 5' 10" and weighs 165.
The lesson here is that I should have gone to Colorado State, where I could have upped the musculature and the coif-quality one thousand percent.

4. Style

Fresno State wins this category for one simple reason: they didn't have to steal a shitty car logo.

Compare this:

to this:
AMATEUR HOUR. At least go with a car that shows a little more class:

You say you've never gone cruising in a car that runs on leaded? Well get that sweet ass in this Cutlass Supreme, girl!


Prediction - Fresno State 35, Colorado State 14.

breakfast time, 12/18/08

(look, i'm allowed to get sick, dammit. just eat your double decker croissanwich.)

- Confession: I did not read this article, but boy did I enjoy the headline.

- Holiday Gift Ideas:
Yes
Yes
YES
no.

- John Woo, you are a motherfucking PROPHET.

- SkyMall item of the day: Yeah, um, for sixty bucks (plus shipping), we'll just stay on the lawn, thanks. Otherwise, why did I freeze all that poop?

H. Steve's Bowl Preview - EagleBank Bowl

Peeps,

Handsome Steve here, ready to blow your mind$ with my in-depth analysis of the upcoming bowl games. My picks are so money, they're like ExtenZe for your wallet. You do the math:

Big Money -> Great Hair Product -> Ladies


And just to clear up any confusion, that's not my picture. I gotta keep things on the privacy tip so as not to ruin the multiple games I am running with multiple ladies. Age, she is nothing but a number, my friend. This picture is a close enough approximation, even if it is maybe only 1/3 as handsome.

I will analyze each game based on four areas: Quarterback Hair, Bowl Sponsor, Random Stat, and Style. I will then arbitrarily select a winner, which you will not question.

EAGLEBANK BOWL - Dec. 20, Washington, D.C., Wake Forest v. Navy

1. Quarterback Hair

You're kidding, right? Pretty much the main reason you will not see H. Steve defending this great nation is the repulsive haircut requirement. Don't get me wrong, I support the troops, but I also support SuperCuts. Skinner in a landslide.

2. Sponsor

My number one rule for financial success: if you don't have a Wikipedia entry, you don't get my coin. EagleBank, I am older than you are (though you don't look nearly as good). You only have 15 locations. You have about as much business sponsoring a bowl game as my local Rotary Club does.

3. Random Statistic

Navy had an average Time of Possession of 31:26; Wake Forest had 30:25. Logically this means that this game will run two minutes or so beyond legal regulation. In the first meeting between these two teams, Navy held on to win by getting the ball back, up 7, and running out the last minute and a half of the clock. Now they'll have to run THREE and a half minutes off the clock. Sometimes football is just crazy like that.

4. Style

Fact: I have completed more passes in one intramural season (534) than Navy has as an entire team this year (44). Triple Option = QB has no f*cking arm. I mean, sure Skinner only completed 62% of his passes, but I believe it was Churchill who said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. If you ain't throwing, you might as well go sign up for the 4X100 relay.


Prediction:

Wake Forest 28, Navy 17

Sorry Navy. We like you for your aerial prowess, not your plodding and methodical bullshit.

breakfast time, 12/16/08

- School Spirit: Oh, well if you're just SELLING it, that's cool. But you're buying me a slice of lunchroom pizza.

- In case you're having Shredder over for supper: Jesus. Just tell me if you think you can get past step one.

- SkyMall item of the day: I added 99 of these to my cart just to prove a point.

breakfast time, 12/15/08

- Do Not Want: i always KNEW something was missing from the holiday travel experience.

- mention this and fool your boss into thinking you're a good employee: unless he's a smoker.

- SkyMall item of the day: Poop Freeze. Props go out to the one customer review, courtesy of jbhorsey in Arizona - "Did not make 'poo' hard, sticky, in fingernails." Um, pretty sure the point of this product was not to allow you to just barehand poop like it's a skipping stone. Although I can see the appeal of freezing your dog's poop and flinging a rock hard chunk of it at someone you hate.

- Later: Handsome Steve's Bowl Preview

holiday party aftermath

me: this is our cafeteria menu today

Soups: Pasta Primavera, Campfire Vegetarian Chili

Salads: Traditional Cole Slaw

Sandwich: Fried Filet on a Bun

Entrees: Chicken Fingers & Buffalo Wings, Burgers & Hot Dogs, Stuffed Baked Potato


why don't they just call it what it is
hangover food

fellow barrister: hahahahahaha
our caf probably has similar stuff on hand

me: just throw on "cold pizza" and "i dunno, raw cookie dough"

fellow barrister: haha, "peanut butter out of the jar"

me: "roommate's leftovers"
"pedialyte"

road flares are pretty

doing some slight tweaks to the ole' blog. maybe some format changes to come, maybe a move to a different host. JUST BE PATIENT YOU DAMN KIDS.

a modest proposal

to fix college football. also, to eat some tasty baby flesh.

STEP ONE: Normalize the conferences.

Seriously, this shit is ridiculous. The Big East presently has a guaranteed BCS berth and there are only EIGHT GODDAMN TEAMS IN THE CONFERENCE. I know we're never going to make all the conferences equally talented, but we can at least make the rules somewhat the same. So everyone should have to have a) 12 teams and b) a conference championship. Half the BCS conferences already follow this rule. Here's how we get the others in line.

Big Tenleven: You're getting Notre Dame, since they play half of you assholes every year anyways. Of course, Notre Dame will undoubtedly bitch and want to hang on to their NBC money, so if they refuse, you get Bowling Green. Look it up - that team has been consistently quality for the last 4 years. And, trust me, under this system ND will think twice about staying independent, as you'll see later.

Pac Ten: You have your choice of two of the following three - Boise State, Fresno State, and Hawaii. All have a demonstrated record of competence, something sorely needed in your shitbag excuse of a conference. Frankly I don't care how you go about picking which two - pushup contest, pie eating race, offers of tribute, whatever. Just get it done.

Big East: Seriously. Eight teams. You're getting Bowling Green if ND wisens up and joins the Big Tenleven, Northern Illinois, Troy, and Navy. Backup option if necessary - Louisiana Tech, which has no business being in the WAC. The LaTech athletic director must just pay for everything with frequent flier miles.

Break the 12 into divisions however you like; again, doesn't really matter. The "conference championship: hindrance or help?" debate is both very valid and very old. Now it's everyone's problem equally.

STEP TWO: Champions of these conferences get an automatic playoff bid.

Is this going to yield the top 6 teams in college football? Undoubtedly not. But the fact is, the conferences need a carrot to go with this, and this is the best I can come up with.

This also addresses one of the usual battle-cries of the anti-playoff crowd - "The regular season already is a playoff!" (If that were true, assholes, then one loss Texas would be in the Big 12 championship by virtue of its win over one loss Oklahoma, now wouldn't they?) Guess what? When you know there's only one guaranteed spot in your conference, your regular season conference schedule is pretty damn important.

Using this system last year, the 6 BCS reps would have been (even before step 1 is applied) Ohio State, LSU, Virginia Tech, West Virginia, Oklahoma, and USC. Five of those teams were in the top 8 of the final AP poll, and Virginia Tech was #9. In 2006, you'd have Florida, USC, Ohio State, Wake Forest, Oklahoma, and West Virginia. 3 of those teams were in the top 8; Oklahoma and West Virginia were 10 and 11. And in 2005 you'd have USC, Texas, Penn State, Georgia, Florida State, and West Virginia. Four of those finished in the top 8, and Georgia finished #10.

Perfect? Hardly. But generally you're only going to have 1 or 2 conferences sending an undeserving team to the playoff, which, for my money, is better than screwing over 1 or 2 deserving teams. And, again, somebody has to get the presidents on board with this.

There's also a safety valve in the form of

STEP THREE: Two at large spots, determined by a rank ballot poll of AP voters and the Coaches, made public.

You love the politicking and debate generated by the poll system? Well, we're keeping it. The biggest problem with step two, admittedly, is that it renders non-conference games largely meaningless.

Step three helps remedy that in the following way: if you're in a BCS conference, you have zero incentive to schedule weak non-conference opponents. Losing to a Utah or a TCU won't affect your chances for getting the guaranteed spot, and beating a Youngstown State or a UAB isn't going to impress the voters if you need to get one of the two at large spots.

If you're not in a BCS conference, this is my way of keeping you from getting shut out, but you're either going to have to hope the voters are impressed by going undefeated against a pretty weak schedule (which, per Ball State, they are not) or have some sort of strength of schedule to back you up (Utah, with a respectable 72 in the Sagarin Ratings).

Some people will say this ruins the traditional non-conference rivalries that are part of college football's rich culture. Um, how many of these are left? ND v. USC/Stanford/BC/a bunch of Big Ten teams, South Carolina v. Clemson, Georgia v. G. Tech, Kentucky v. Louisville, Florida v. FSU. Yeah, um, not exactly a serious slate of games. Besides, I dare the FSU and UF athletic directors to cancel that game going forward. Hope the university police have riot training.

STEP FOUR: 8 team playoff. No conference can have more than two teams represented. Matchups determined by the same rank ballot mentioned above.

Look, I realize the two-team limit would hose Texas Tech this year, but we have to draw a line somewhere. 16 teams would just be too many - the playoff would be 1/4 the length of the entire regular season.

There's another popular anti-playoff argument that it ruins the fun of the bowl system. Um, let's review.

Current system:
1 bowl matters for any national title purposes. 4 matter because, um, they're old and BCS sanctioned. Rest of bowls are entirely irrelevant. Conference championships only occasionally relevant for championship purposes.

My system:
All conference championships are, oh, twelve times as important now. Seven bowls have championship implications. (If it really matters, we can still make sure that the first four are the Rose, Sugar, Orange, and Fiesta bowls. Or whatever, rotate or something. This argument is so fucking tired and smacks of nothing more convincing than yelling "TRADITION" at the top of your lungs.)

Rest of bowls continue to have zero relevance beyond pride and personal rooting interests.

STEP FIVE: Shave one game off the current schedule for each team.

Sorry, but if we're gonna do this and appeal to those who claim a playoff is bad for the academic interests of the athletes (hey, why is everyone laughing?), we have to prevent the season from extending forever. 11 in-season games, plus a potential conference championship, plus, for two teams, 3 extra weeks. The difference for most teams will be, well, none. And it only adds one week for the two championship teams. I think that's fair to everyone involved.




So how would this have shaken out in years past?

2005:
Champs, auto bids - USC, Texas, Penn State, UGA, Florida State, WVU
Potential at-large - LSU, Va Tech, ND, Oregon

2006:
Auto - UF, USC, OSU, Wake, Oklahoma, WVU
At-large - Michigan, Louisville, LSU, Boise State

2007:
Auto - OSU, LSU, Va Tech, WVU, OU, USC
At-large - UGA, Mizzou, Kansas, Hawaii

So yeah, every year two teams are gonna just get squeezed out. But, as you probably guessed, no system is going to be perfect, and this one allows more to be settled on the field than in the ballot box.

And for 2008? Well, say all the higher-ranked teams win the conferences. We'll have Bama, Oklahoma, Georgia Tech, Penn State, Cincy, and USC. As far as I can tell, there's only really an argument for four teams here: Florida, Texas, Utah, and Texas Tech. Maybe OSU and Boise are on the bubble, but I don't think they clearly jump anybody on this list, unless Florida gets hammered.


Feel free to point out the holes in this. But I think it makes a damn lot of sense and tries to appeal to all the issues commonly presented.