H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 31

Did you really think I was gonna get up early to give you a prediction for a NOON bowl game? Obviously you've underestimated my social agenda.

I have, however, come up with an easy answer to this Urban Meyer situation: Bring me in as player-coach. If there's one phrase that describes me, it's ruggedly handsome. But if there is a second phrase, it is natural leader of men. First rule as coach - if you can't outbench me, you don't play. I predict we may have to relax that rule just to field a complete defensive line.

Plus, I'm fine just coaching for one year while Urbz gets his mind right. Handsome Steve is not exactly what you might call "big on commitment."

December 31

Sun Bowl - Stanford v. Oklahoma

Now this is an interesting matchup beyond the fact that Pritchard isn't the usual starter. No, I'm going to focus on the fact that we have two (2) quarterbacks here with clearly pointy heads. Weird, yes, but workable, as Stanford's QB is showing. Jones, the fade only ACCENTS your point. Not a winner's cut. Stanford plus 7.

Texas Bowl - Missouri v. Navy

Tough call here given that we basically have near-identical QB hair here, but when in doubt, HANDSOME STEVE SUPPORTS AMERICA. Take Navy and the six points here and do some pushups at halftime, because you know those fuckin British are just itching to take back this land.

Insight Bowl - Minnesota v. Iowa State

Two dull-ass teams, two dull-ass haircuts. At least Austen is completing the dull trifecta with his refusal to smile. The fuck are you so happy about, Weber? Iowa State plus one and a half.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl - Tennessee v. Virginia Tech

Vol fans, how does it feel having an Everlast impersonator line up behind center? Jesus. Are you TRYING to look like a sex offender, Crompton? I would not be at all surprised to learn that a rattail was photoshopped out of this picture. Virginia Tech minus 4.

Enjoy New Year's Eve, Brosemite Sam.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 5-8-1.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 30

Almost 2010, little dawgs. Seems like all the rage this month is counting down best-ofs from the last decade, so why not do one of my own?

Top 5 Sporting Achievements of Handsome Steve, 2000-2009

5. 2007: Needing to pick up a 7-10 split to beat my homeboy in a heated bowling match, I nail the spare AND rip my shirt flexing in celebration.

The real winner that night? Agnes the bowling alley fry cook. Youknowwhatimsayinriiiiiiiiiiight?

4. 2003: Shooting some hoops with my boys and I'm draining finger roll after finger roll. Just embarrassing the crew with my wrecking ball low post game. All of a sudden, a stretch Dodge Durango pulls up, and who should step out but Carmelo Anthony and Detroit Pistons GM Joe Dumars. Melo jokingly says he could take me with one arm tied behind him, but Handsome Steve says your mouth better not write checks your skills can't cash. A 21-3 asswhooping later and we all know why the Pistons drafted Darko.

3. 2000: Pinned your mom in 4 seconds. And she's a big lady.

2. 2006: Just at the mall fuckin around with my hacky sack when I see some dude grab a lady's purse and bolt. Now, he's on the second floor up by the Auntie Anne's pretzel stand, and yours truly is chilling outside PacSun (natch) on the first floor, maybe 400 feet away. How am I supposed to stop this dude before he makes it out the second floor exit to the parking garage?

Hacky that sack right into his throat like some sort of hemp sniper, that's how.

1. 2008: I'm not really supposed to share this until Tebow graduates, but fuck it. The night before the '08 National Championship, Coach Meyer calls me and tells me Tim's freaking out and refuses to play. Unfortunately, there's no time to rewrite the playbook to accommodate Brantley's different set of skills, so they need me to step in as Faux Tebow.

I'll be honest, I was worried. Flag football dominance is one thing, but strapping on the pads and playing for the big time? What if I threw so hard I broke a receiver's wrist? What if I stiff-armed a defender and his jaw exploded into a bloody mist? And do football pants have cargo pockets? (I need to have a guitar pick handy should the mood strike, at all times.)

You check the tape of that game and tell me how I did.

December 30

Humanitarian Bowl - Idaho v. Bowling Green

FUCK. I really can't take much more of this unranked team QB hair. Sheehan, you know they're gonna give you a helmet, right? You don't need your hair to act as a protective layer. Enderle and Idaho get the nod plus a point, but I'm not happy about it.

Holiday Bowl - Arizona v. Nebraska
See, now we have two talented, top 25 teams with QB hair that could move mountains. I honestly don't know who to pick here, and according to the spread, neither does Vegas. It's a little unorthodox, but I'm gonna pick Arizona here because Zac was the name of some Francis Ford Broppola who gave me some shit at a restaurant and forced me to cold-cock him. Look, dude, there's no sign saying I have to give up the Skee-Ball machine to the next guy waiting, so I'll be here until I run out of quarters. And Handsome Steve ALWAYS has quarters.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 4-7-1.

breakfast time, 12/30/09

- there are a few things in this world that are horrible for you to eat in large quantities but, fortunately, naturally occur in a form that makes it difficult to eat large quantities. reese's cups are an excellent example of this phenomenon.

pistachios fall into this category as well, as it's widely known that 8 pistachios contain 4600 calories. for this reason it takes a good bit of effort to open this delightful treat. if you sit down and tear through a whole bag of pistachios, you have fingernails of steel and a sheer force of will i can't even comprehend.

but Trader Joe's has gone and fucked all that up, because now they sell bags of shelled pistachios. why don't you just sell butter on a popsicle stick? you've ruined me!!

- i saw a man on the subway today wearing a Did You Hear About The Morgans jacket and a The Corruptor hat. the logical conclusion is that he works in the film industry in some capacity. that is also the boring conclusion. i prefer to think he insists on only wearing clothing swag from shitty movies. in my mind, this man also owns:

Battlefield Earth overalls
A Corky Romano calculator watch
Daddy Day Camp booty shorts
Gigli sweater vest
A belt buckle with Larry the Cable Guy on it

- speaking of movies, i realized the other day that we as a society have failed to identify and castigate properly the laziest actor in hollywood. that actor is hugh grant. not only does he play the same character in every movie he's ever in, but i'm REASONABLY certain that character is just hugh grant being himself.

of course, when i brought this up to my friend kim, she told me that mr. grant should be praised for achieving fame and fortune so easily. where other actors have to stretch and branch out in different dramatic directions, hugh can just be himself and audiences will eat it up.

kim should not be a career counselor.

- i would be lying if i said part of me (a very sad and twisted part) did not admire this record-setting woman.

- SkyMall item of the day:

I cannot think of anything I've ever seen on the SkyMall site that I want to buy more than this.

(But only if you promise me I get to play Mountain Climber.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 29

Damn kids, almost missed deadline here. Had an appointment to get my eyebrows done at Pretty Nails II. Fortunately, what Ling Ling* lacks in timeliness she makes up for in skill.

I mean, what's the point of driving around in my Scion with my shirt 7/8 unbuttoned if my brows are gonna be blowing up my game? You know your boy don't even mess around like that.

*Editor's note: We have since learned that Handsome Steve's eyebrow-threader is a Thai woman named Lawan. Not "Ling Ling." She's not a goddamned panda.


December 29

Eaglebank Bowl - UCLA v. Temple
It really annoys me that bowl season is all mixed up now - it used to be the shittiest teams played earliest, with quality steadily improving up to the big-time bowls. Now it's nearly the end of December and LOOK AT THIS AWFUL HAIR WE'RE STUCK WITH. Temple's getting the nod here for two reasons: one, I'm not sure how great a head of hair someone named "Vaughn" can ever achieve, so this could have been much worse, and, two, Kevin Prince looks like he just asked his manager at the Yorba Linda Lowe's for an extra shift. Temple plus 4.

Champs Sports Bowl - Wisconsin v. Miami
Some improvement here, definitely. You can tell neither of these guys lets things get out of control on the field or in the barber chair. But the tight cuts make me wonder if these guys are TOO high strung. If there were only some way to tell which of these quarterbacks is truly fly and not just fly-looking...


Look me in the eye and tell me you're comfortable betting against a man in a Louis V ascot. Can't do it, can you? Miami minus 6.5

Handsome Steve's record is currently 4-5-1.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 28

Yeah, I know, I didn't get in a pick for the Music City Bowl.

Dudes. I was distraught. My precious Gator football world was torn asunder. I mean, I punched through a damn window when we lost to Auburn once. Can you imagine how anguished the thought of losing the Urbanator left Handsome Steve? Anguished as shit!

Maybe you're thinking, "But Handsome, you don't feel sadness. Sadness is an emotion only fatties and runners-up feel." Wrong, Brothello. I've learned that there aren't enough lat pulldowns in the world to insulate you from the pain of losing a good woman, a good coach, or a good longboard session. I'm telling you, I nail that kickflip every time you're not watching.

December 28

Independence Bowl - Georgia v. Texas A&M

Wow. Joe Cox should never be photographed without his helmet on again, unless he's auditioning for some white supremacist remake of Problem Child. He's like some sort of unholy cross between Popeye and Raggedy Andy. How is Texas A&M only getting 4 points in this game? That hair is 3-touchdown-loss bad. Get it done, Johnson.

Handsome Steve's record is 4-4-1.

breakfast time, 12/28/09

- BREAKING: Urban Meyer's Health Switcheroo Explained!


- Enjoyed a nice little holiday break with the folks in Tampa. Mom set the mood nicely with this opening conversation on the drive back from the airport.

Mom: "I read in the paper the other day that hot dogs are one of the worst meats you can eat, healthwise."
Dad: "Well, what about turkey dogs? Those are pretty healthy."
Mom: "I don't like turkey dogs. They taste squeaky."

Well ok then.

- I guarantee you, if this had happened in a Winn-Dixie, the manager would have beaten the deer to death with a two-foot summer sausage and then told the seafood guys to label it as "Fresh Grouper - $17.99 per pound."

- Tip of the Day from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

Marketing the Station Wagon

Many estates have place names instead of street numbers. In that case it is perfectly proper to have the name of the estate and its address, if you wish, on the front doors of the wagon, just below the windows or in the panel beneath them. This lettering usually matches or blends with the color trim of the station wagon or is of the colors favored by the estate or farm. Usually the lettering is outlined in gold paint or in black, to make for better visibility. Whatever appears should be in modest-size lettering and kept simple. Use capitals instead of quotes and, preferably, avoid any, probably coy, illustrations.

(I have absolutely no idea what this entry is about. Apparently at one point classy people had their addresses stenciled on their station wagon doors. Of course.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 26

oof.

woke up yesterday, came downstairs, and poured myself a nice tall glass of gentleman jack. dad looks at me and says "son, you can't drink on christmas morning." that sounds like a bet to me, dad, and handsome steve NEVER backs down from a bet.

but i'll shake this off and get us all right back in the winner's circle. it's just like the time i nearly got picked for price is right. apparently barker exercised his veto - probably worried I'd steal the beauties from him. old bitch.

December 26

Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl - Ohio v. MarshallCorrect me if I'm wrong but, um, that quarterback on the right is balding, isn't he? Come on dude. Either Bic that shit or grow it out and disguise it. This in between makes you look like a laid off driver's ed teacher. Ohio covers the 4 points here.

Meineke Car Care Bowl - Pittsburgh v. North Carolina

Yeesh. I hate picking between quarterbacks with near-mirror-image hair. Especially when that hair is boring and dumb. Fuck it, I'm just gonna flip my car keys. Beemer logo up, I go with Pitt, Handsome Steve's face up, I go with UNC.

(flips)

UNC plus 2 points it is. Come on, did you really think fate would allow this face to be hidden? Player please.

Emerald Bowl - Boston College v. Southern California

Now this is a hair battle I can get on board with! You can tell this is a sign bowl season is about to get really good. Just look at these dudes! Hair you can follow into the trenches. Hair that inspires you to give 110%. Hair you would give your life to protect. I'm getting a little misty over here.

But only one can emerge victorious. While I applaud Shinskie on his do, Barkley's coiffure has a certain "oh hey girl, you spent the night?" essence that I can really, really relate to. Take the Trojans minus the seven points.

Handsome Steve's current record is 3-3.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Hawaii Bowl

Well, shit. I guess it's true that if hair alone won the game, we wouldn't bother playing it. Goddammit Cal. How do you lose to that hedgehog-man of a q? Almost makes me mad enough to skip my squat thrust routine at the gym tonight.

Almost.


December 24


Hawaii Bowl - SMU v. Nevada

This is actually a little bit of a toughie. My gut says Padron has the greatest hair potential between the two, but my experience suggests to me Kaepernick is the more reliable of the two. Hair-wise, of course. So do you go with the potential 10 who could disappoint you or the solid 7? This is a dilemma I've faced in my personal life many a time, I can assure you. But in the world of betting, the threesome is not an option.

Hesitantly, I'm going to go with the sturdy if unspectacular hair of Nevada. No clue if that hair is good enough to cover the 13 point spread, but I'm hoping the humidity of the tropics fucks with Padron's do something awful.

Merry Christmas, snitches.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Poinsettia Bowl

Well, Oregon State really let my winning streak down last night. But if there are two things Handsome Steve is not, it's a quitter and a fatty. 3-1 is nothing to be ashamed of, and you better believe I'm ready to get back to making you C-A-S-H.

Oh, and real quick - lotta people are looking for last minute Christmas gifts that will really knock someone's socks off. Let me wholeheartedly recommend to you "All About Steve" on DVD. I have no idea who's in it or what it's about or if it's porno, but the title is brilliant, so how could the rest suck?

December 23

Poinsettia Bowl - Cal v. Utah

Sometimes, a lot of thought has to go in a QB hair comparison. There's no one style that screams winner, and a look that one guy can rock another guy might not be even close to pulling off. You really have to consider - is this the best hair QB1 can have? Is this the best hair the team can line up behind center. Many times, it's just not an easy call.

This is not one of those times. I present to you Utah quarterback Jordan Wynn.

Thank you, but no. Take Cal minus the 2.5.

putting it on the record

His Handsomeness is taking Oregon State tonie. And no beaver comments, please. A gentleman calls it trim. (Ed. Note - No, he doesn't.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Orleans Bowl

Yes, put 5,000 in bonds and 3,000 in short-term...oh, sorry, didn't see you there. Just busy investing my BOWL WINNINGS BITCH. Handsome Steve is 2-0 and looking to continue the tradition of excellence. Stick with me and you'll soon be able to change your business cards to "Professional Panty Dropper."

Lotta people look at my success and say picking bowl winners based simply on quarterback hair isn't work. Let me tell you something, youngblood. Quarterback hair is a helluva thing to predict. It's one thing to see hair in practice with the red jersey on. It's another thing to determine how hair will hold up in the heat of the battle. Seen too many great heads of hair fold under the pressure. It's a shame, but that's what separates legends (yours truly) from lamewads (your dad).



December 20

New Orleans Bowl - Southern Mississippi v. Middle Tennessee State

Look, I'll confess - Handsome Steve's expertise does not extend perfectly into "ethnic hair." That includes white dudes with dreads. Growing up in West Virginia, Mom always told me that there are three things you can never trust: childless Italian women, a quarterback with a thin moustache, and (Editor's note - we chose to redact this last item as it was equal parts incredibly confusing and racist. The management of this blog believes you can, in fact, trust a Chinese child with a pickle jar, flip-flops, and a 9-volt battery. Or at least we're not sure why exactly you can't trust them.)

Now rumor has it that Handsome Mom had a bad fling with Jeff Hostetler back in the day, so that may explain her distrust of the skinny 'stache. But that doesn't mean I won't listen to my mother, dammit. Middle Tennessee and the six points it is.

a sad epiphany

growing older necessarily means letting go of certain dreams and aspirations that are revealed to be illogical. for instance, i once thought at 8 years old that i would be a starting nba point guard. then i realized that i wasn't tall or fast and i didn't have any "basketball ability." that wasn't hard to get over, though, because it's easy enough to blame genetics or your parents for failing to push you into sports with almost criminal zeal. thanks a lot for accepting me for who i am, you jerks. WE COULDA BEEN ROLLIN' WITH HOVA RIGHT NOW, MOM.

however, i can't use that excuse for this latest realization. you are undoubtedly familiar with the concept of a "chosen one" - a common archetype that appears in religion and fiction and occasionally even politics (yes i do mean foxy senator jeanne shaheen). the nice thing about being the chosen one is you don't really have to work at it or earn it. you just ARE the chosen one. and you may not realize it until some wizened old archaeology professor reveals the truth to you!

but, well, nobody really becomes the chosen one after a certain age. the next great prophet isn't going to be found playing cribbage on a tuesday afternoon at Denny's. that's just crazy.

what that means is, every day, as i get older, it becomes less and less likely that i am, in fact, the savior of humanity. at this point i would just take minor superhero. but i feel that's not gonna happen either.

dammit.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Mexico Bowl & St. Petersburg Bowl

What's up, snitches, it's your main Broviraptor Handsome Steve here back with some college bowl picks guaranteed to have you rolling in dough McDuck style.

I'll be straight up with you. Last season I let y'all down a bit with th

ese. But the truth is, there's only so much Steve to go around. (Trust me, ladies, it's still a LOT of Steve. Even flaccid. Which I rarely am.)

So this year, fuck all the stats and the records and the position battles. FUCK IT. As a lifelong champion of all things football, I can tell you the only stat that matters is Wins, and there's only one way to win:

With one sweet fucking head of quarterback hair.

So let's do this - all games will be picked solely based on which quarterback is rocking superior locks. I recommend laying four to five large on each game, but I understand if you gotta cut that back. Bad economies tend to hit the less-handsome harder, from what I'm told.

December 19

New Mexico Bowl - Fresno State v. Wyoming

I know, I know, not much to work with here. But hey, there's a reason these guys are playing in a pre-Christmas bowl, you feel me? Colburn's rocking that David Carr fade, and, while I appreciate keeping that Fresno State tradition alive, the face framing is all wrong with the weak little goat. Bowl game is time to play, youngblood, and you look like you're trying to get a handjob at Homecoming. My man Austyn C-S, on the other hand, is sporting a sweet shade of blond there. Unfortunately he's rocking it like a newborn duck. Who to pick?

In the end, I gotta go with Wyoming. Both of these haircuts are underwhelming the piss out of me, but Austyn's coif just screams potential. Take Wyoming and the 11 points.

St. Petersburg Bowl - UCF v. Rutgers

I can already see those wheels spinning in your brains, faithful readers. You think I'm gonna pick Brett cause he's rocking the dirty-but-carefully-crafted-length Steve-o style, aren't you?

WRONG. See how he's gotta brush it to the side? That means trouble. You want that hair to just fall naturally - otherwise it's bound to obstruct your vision during a key 3rd down or dance-off. Savage may be going a bit more businesslike, but I respect that.

Plus Savage is a Freshman, and Freshman gotta earn nice hair. Rutgers will cover the 3 they're giving, dawg.

profiles in sadness

well, it's been over a week since the gators crapped the bed in the SEC championship, so if you're a florida fan and you're still sad, you need to get over it. bummed-out florida fans will not be appearing in this inaugural edition of

Profiles In Sadness

4th Saddest Person of the Week: Me. On Saturday morning I woke up and poured myself a bowl of cereal. Like every responsible adult, I first checked to make sure I had plenty of milk for said cereal. Having confirmed that crucial piece of the breakfast puzzle, I went to get a spoon - only to discover they were all in the then-running dishwasher. This left me with two options:

1. Wait it out and let the cereal get soggy as shit.
2. Improvise

In this case, "improvise" meant "eat the cereal with a measuring tablespoon." My inability to use this tool for such a task was exceeded only by the pitiful sight I must have presented.

3rd Saddest Person of the Week: The infamous Katherine, who, desperate for something to entertain her as she worked on a paper Saturday night, watched "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause" in its entirety. She insisted that nothing else was on.

This movie aired on ABC Family at 8pm Saturday. Here were Katherine's other options at that time.

Gangs of New York on IFC
The Bourne Supremacy on TNT
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS
Paula Deen's Cookie Swap on the Food Network

You know what's sadder than watching all of The Santa Clause 3? LYING ABOUT WHY.

2nd Saddest Person of the Week: Auburn fans. Seriously, they were probably almost as pissed as Florida fans about 'Bama's win, and then they had to turn around and see Mark Ingram win the Heisman.

You have to understand. Alabama is unique, because there's Auburn-Alabama football and THAT'S IT. No pro teams to root for. No interesting cultural events to attend. Alabama is so boring that Mississippi casinos run ads in the state with the following tag line:


I know you may not believe it, but yes, that woman is considered a "real player" in Alabama.

Saddest Person of the Week: Lia's boyfriend, Giancarlo. Because he doesn't even realize what he just signed himself up for.

me: question

giancarlo: Yes

me: how many cans of corn do you think you could eat in a 24 hour period

giancarlo: I could honestly say over 12

giancarlo: dead serious

giancarlo: I love that shit
me: we're going to test that at some point. just so you know.

breakfast time, 12/11/09

- you know what's really had a precipitous decline from greatness? mythbusters. yes, it still has some great explosions, and yes, kari byron is still a stone cold fox, and yes, i'm still convinced jamie's beret is a permanent part of his body and not an accessory. but the show has completely meandered from "hey, is that well-known belief actually true?" to "this one crazy guy on the corner told us he ate a hard-boiled egg and pooped out a live baby chick!"

by way of example, here are some of the myths tested in season 1:

Will using a cell phone near a gas pump cause an explosion?
Can a person be electrocuted by urinating on the third rail?
Will a penny dropped from the Empire State building kill a person?

and here are some from the 2009 season:

Could a skydiver whose parachute failed to open hit a playground seesaw and send a small girl flying seven stories high? And would she survive?
Can cheese fired from a cannon pierce a sail?
Can a person swim faster in syrup than in water?

ridiculous. i understand that there are only so many common, testable myths, but really. fortunately i have a solution: start incorporating exotic asian myths. this will work because you can just make up whatever you want! "tonight on mythbusters - can a panda kick a ninja star back at its attacker?"

- i completely left out one important group from the basketball fans. how is that possible, given that i covered all 4 teams playing that night? easy - 2 people showed up fully decked out in bright kentucky wildcat blue.

normally that drives me insane. if i go watch, i dunno, stanford v. cal football, i'm not gonna show up in my gators gear. it's just unnecessarily dick. but with kentucky basketball fans, it seems almost natural. like they didn't even put thought into it. their brains are just wired such that they'll wear kentucky gear to ANYTHING basketball. nba playoff game? wildcats tee. son's high school basketball team dinner? jamal mashburn jersey. charity donkey basketball event? uk striped bib.

- Tampa, Florida: where you call 911 to report a 12 foot burmese python in your yard, and they tell you to screw off and just chop its head off with a shovel. God helps those who help themselves!

- SkyMall item of the Day: Not only do I nominate this for Most Misleadingly Titled SkyMall Item Ever, I preemptively proclaim it the winner. Dickbags.

here comes the hotstepper

(that headline has nothing to do with this article, but i think ini kamoze can use the publicity. because that's what this blog generates, you see.)

roommate and i went to madison square garden last night to see the jimmy v classic, featuring a doubleheader of georgetown v. butler and pitt v. indiana. i don't have any particular rooting interests for any of these teams, other than the fact that i bought a sweet georgetown iverson jersey in 8th grade, but it's always nice to enjoy some college hoop when the opportunity arises.

inadvertently, i also got to learn a lot about fans of these schools.

Butler Fans - Didn't see many of you here, so I'm not sure you exist. In fairness, it can't be a lot of fun to root for a team with this dude as one of your marquee players. I saw his starting position listed as "G/F" and pondered whether that stood for girlfriend.

Pitt Fans - Well, um, the women were handsomer than the men? I guess that's good?

Indiana Fans - Truly impressive. Came out in droves, screamed like nuts, rarely let up. And it's not like you all are bandwagoners either, because this team came in 4-4 and probably wasn't expected to win. So nice work.

Georgetown Fans - Oh boy. I mean, this tale (maybe) isn't representative of you all as a whole, but we were sitting behind a group of male Hoya fans in their 40s and next to a group of Indiana girls, none of whom looked older than 23. One of the Georgetown guys decides he's gonna try to...well, I have no idea what he intends to achieve. But during breaks in the action he keeps looking back at the girls and going "Yeah! Get Wild!!" They, understandably, ignore him. I have no idea if these girls are shallow, but it probably didn't help that this man was 1. flabby 2. balding and 3. in possession of some oddly large gums, gums so large it appeared he was incapable of closing his mouth all the way.

Gums O'Creepymouth gets up to go get some more beer, and, as he passes the IU girl seated directly next to me, he turns, looks her dead in the eye, and says "Looking real sexy." She happens to be eating a hot dog at that moment, which really adds to the perv factor. Horrified, the girl nearly gags on the dog and spills mustard all over her pants and purse. She is equal parts pissed and mortified. Fortunately, Gums figures out he's out of clever lines and doesn't really keep after them.

In conclusion, that's what I assume all Georgetown fans are like.

breakfast time, 12/08/09

- ah, winter in the north. nothing like a sunset at 4:30 to make you want to crawl into a garbage dumpster and eat discarded pizza crusts until spring shows up. some people think winter is romantic, what with the snow and the caroling and the multicolored scarves. those people can have this godforsaken season; i will continue to support NASA research into human hibernation.

fortunately i can amuse myself in a variety of fulfilling and productive ways. for instance, today i took some famous rap lyrics, translated them online into turkish, and then re-translated them into english, just to see how screwed up the results would be.

I just have to thank God morning awakening
I do not know but today seems kind of strange
No dogs come to bark, no smog
No mama cooked breakfast and a pig

(I never understood why part of Cube's good day involved breakfast without pork.)

- much has been made of luke wilson's robustness in his recent at&t ads, a difference made especially stark when i saw those ads during the commercial breaks for one of his old movies, idiocracy. let's go to the tape:


l. wilson, circa 2006



l. wilson, circa 2009

vince vaughn and i sympathize.

- christmas is coming, and that means getting nagged by your family about why you aren't married and raising kids yet. (if you are married and raising kids, disregard. and don't let your kids run around screaming at a restaurant. jesus.) so that sucks. it used to be that my parents were PROUD i hadn't knocked someone up. at what point did that success turn into failure?

fortunately, we can strike back at those child-having twentysomethings who are fucking it up for the rest of us. how you ask?

buy their kids harmonicas for the holidays. a child with a harmonica is an ABSOLUTE TERROR. just that incessant heeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaw-heeeeeeeeee. and the kid is never going to bother to learn how to play well. he'll just HEEEEE all around the house like a berserk steam engine from hell. that'll teach you, parents.

- SkyMall Item of the Day: alternatively, for a little more scratch, you can buy the kid a bazooka that shoots marshmallows. there's no way a kid won't use this shit in the house, because they figure, hey, how much harm can a freaking marshmallow cause?

parents, when you find your house infested with ants scavenging for the sugary ammunition scattered all over the place, you'll know exactly how much harm.

the following is some true shit

fancy world explorer that i am, i was discussing with my sister a future trip to paris i have planned. she insists there's some restaurant i need to visit, though of course she cannot remember the name. before i launch into the conversation we had, let me preface thusly: my sister is very bright and very sharp. generally.

leah: it's near some sort of famous metro stop, but i forget which one it is. i think it might be named after some noteworthy french person.

me: charles de gaulle?

leah: who's that?

me: he was president of france during world war II.

leah: mmm could be that. is there some american actor with the same name?

me: um no. are you sure that was it?

leah: maybe not. there was another station called "military e. coli" or something.

me: that's l'ecole militaire. it means military school.

leah: oh. well it's one of those two. i think.

(four days pass)

leah: oh, you remember that actor i was trying to remember? it was steven seagal.

there is nothing i don't love about this picture