being a toys "r" us kid is not always an advantage

being a professional in the big city can be challenging in a number of ways, but at this point i'd like to think i've got my life in order well enough to handle most of the hurdles life throws at me. there is one place, however, that regularly exposes me as a fraudulent adult. and that place is the salad station at any deli.

here's how a typical deli salad station encounter goes.

first, i hand my lettuce bowl over to the saladier, who asks for my first ingredient. this usually isn't a troublesome spot, because, one presumes, every choice that's available to me is meant to go in a salad. usually the go to here is something safe and broad, like tomatoes or cucumbers.

now it's time for ingredient two. there's a little pressure here because this should pair with ingredient one in a somewhat harmonious way, but that still leaves me with a number of options. maybe here i'm electing to go with corn, or avocado, or chickpeas, or even craisins.

saladier asks for ingredient three and now we're in trouble. at this point i usually know what i want but, without fail, the salad station won't have that ingredient. flailing, i'll go with an item that shares some rudimentary characteristic with the one i desire. observe:

"Ok, I've got tomato and corn. Some black beans would be nice, wouldn't they? Very southwestern or something. Great, black beans it is! So let's see...well, maybe over by the...no...but...FUCK. I guess we could go with black...olives?"

terrible. embarrassingly terrible.

still shaken from this turn of events, i head for ingredient four. unfortunately, my head is still way back on ingredient three, trying to figure out what the fuck went so wrong. inevitably, lingering on the past ruins this pick, as i just scan for something remotely familiar and point. so yes, that's how i ended up ordering imitation crab meat without even knowing it.

i now have a green salad with tomato, corn, black olives, and imitation crab meat mixed in. this is a clusterfuck in edible form. it almost doesn't even matter what i do here. for a minute i'll pause and think about throwing some cheese on there - but cheese is delicious! why would i punish it by including it in this unholy amalgam?

we're now at the final step - selecting a dressing. ideally, this is where i'd pick something to really finish the salad nicely and bring out something from each carefully selected ingredient. realistically, i'm now searching for something overpowering enough that i won't actually have to taste anything i picked. honey dijon? why not?

there's probably some lesson to be drawn from all of this. hell if i have any idea what it is.