nothing makes sense any more

take notes!

FACT - the new york subway system has a variety of standard messages they trumpet (either automatically or via the conductor over the loudspeaker) to passengers. usually this is something like "don't block the doors" or "backpacks are subject to random searches" or "all trains are running local and none of them are stopping anywhere below 34th street for the next five months." one such message informs you that "a crowded subway is no excuse for an unwanted touch."

the last four times i have stepped onto a subway train, that is the message that i have heard. accordingly, i would like the MTA to know two things.

one: if a stranger plays with my balls on the F train, i won't say "oh well it's just that the train is crowded and hey is that a ball gag?" i will report it PROMPTLY - either to the authorities or to my friends, depending on the stranger.

two: are you trying to warn other passengers that i am a oops-the-subway-lurched-i-had-to-hold-onto-your-boob-or-risk-injury person? because i am not.

FACT - at brunch last weekend, i went to the men's room and approached the urinal. hung above said urinal was a collection of four framed photographs, featuring...

1. general george armstrong custer
2. actor danny kaye
3. actor marlon brando
4. former bad boy artist and recent convert to islam loon

(that's loon, if you don't remember.)

i cannot for the life of me come up with ANY possible common thread for these four. but it's entirely possible that i am the only person on the planet who can recognize danny kaye and loon on sight. keep that in mind should you be forced to choose a select portion of the population to save in some doomsday scenario.

FACT - the Florida Gators hosted against Xavier on saturday in a game which many suggested would make or break Florida's NCAA tournament hopes. after falling behind early, Florida charged back in the second half and the lead kept getting traded. with a little less than four minutes left, the Gators were down three and a tv timeout was called. as they came back to the action, this is what was playing in the O'Dome:



florida promptly ended up playing like shit and losing by twelve. and honestly, when the arena pump-up song is something that most of the players and students would have heard on the bus going to second or third grade, you don't deserve to win. (unless of course that song is jay-z's "hard knock life.")