please do not attempt to leave your homes

Welcome to February, or, as the Anglo-Saxons called it, Solmonath, which means "Mud Month." And boy, were they right, because this is one miserable excuse of a month. It's guaranteed to be mind-numbingly cold, grey, and shitty. Football is soon to be over and basketball isn't getting good yet. The box office is sure to be dominated by a terrible rom-com that basically bills itself as "Hey, looky - you like famous people and Black Eyed Peas songs and shiny SHINY SHINY!"

I offer as proof the following tragedies from February history -

1497: Savonarola's Bonfire of the Vanities destroys art and literature of untold value.
1819: Spain sells Florida to the U.S. for the price of $5,000,000.
1855: Michigan State University is established.
1933: The Reichstag is set on fire.
1954: The first Church of Scientology opens.
1974: People magazine is published for the first time.
1979: Mr. Ed dies.
1986: Lauren Conrad is born.
1993: ATF agents conduct their initial raid on the Branch Davidian church in Waco.
2003: Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates re-entering the Earth's atmosphere, killing the entire crew.
2006: Vice President Cheney shoots a man in the face.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS IN FEBRUARY. AT ALL.

But I think it's important to approach this month of misery with a sense of purpose by setting a few goals. If I can meet most of these, I'll consider it a successful February.

1. Keep murders down to a weekly average of 2.5
2. Gain less than 45 pounds
3. Purchase and deploy The Mercenary
4. Apologize after throwing coffee on a total stranger without reason
5. Call mom more often