the softest generation

as you may have heard, it's been snowrageous on the eastern seaboard lately. this meant i was forced to call upon my broad-jumping skills to avoid slush puddles, as my shoes cost upwards of $35 and mom says if i ruin them it's coming out of my birthday money. so i was going to thank the president's council on physical fitness and sports for helping me become the successful adult i am today.

but then i went to the president's fitness challenge website and saw that THEY HAVE TOTALLY DUMBED THIS SHIT DOWN. schoolkids today are only asked to participate in the following events:

- sit-ups
- pull-ups
- shuttle run
- mile run
- sit and reach

what the fuck happened to the standing broad jump? wasn't there a 50 yard dash? where is the motherfucking phantom chair? (i used to dominate at phantom chair.)

this is unacceptable. some goddamned brat is running around waving his fitness award thanks to this program becoming Fitness Lite. don't be surprised in twenty years when this country is overrun by mounties from our evil northern neighbor because all these kids can do is RUN.