i know, i know, it's 4:30 and that's no time for breakfast. but i just got back from vacation this week and my clock is all screwed up! i mean, in europe, it's...um...10:30 at night. dammit.
- ok, at first you read the headline and think "well shit, i know like fifty dudes from college who would be guilty if this is a crime." but then you read on and it turns out the old guy pushed his old lady girlfriend.
in some ways, getting a beer poured on you is actually WORSE than getting hit, in terms of conflict response. i know because this happened to me in the recent past at a rehearsal dinner for a good friend's wedding. once said beer was dumped all over my head (sneak attack style), what was i to do? you can't just haul off and clock someone; it's a wedding event and then you'll be the asshole. so you just have to sit there, with sticky beer rolling down your face, being the "better person." this is why i should be allowed to carry a stun gun.
- science has done many great and wonderful things for mankind, to be sure. but it has also failed us in some key ways (for instance, i highly doubt that, as back to the future II promises, we are five years a way from hover technology being so commonplace it is integrated into toys). chief amongst science's stumbles is poor milkshake-straw integrity. it is completely maddening to dive into a delicious chocolate shake only to have the straw collapse down onto itself, completely blocking the flow of delight.
this leaves you with two equally shitty choices. you could just power through, possibly rupturing your carotid artery in the process. the effort-to-pleasure ratio here is off the charts bad; i estimate it to be 140,000 pounds per square inch of pressure to every milliliter of milkshake. or you could take off the lid, get a spoon, and eat the shake blizzard style. while this is certainly an easier method, you'll soon find yourself drowning in an ocean of regret - if you were going to use utensils, think of all the OTHER dessert options you had! cakes! pies! AN ACTUAL DQ BLIZZARD!
- i find the census form to be disappointingly brief. this is an opportunity, federal government! once every ten years we can answer important questions, like which parts of the country are pro whipped cream and which are pro cool whip? who is america's favorite ninja turtle, and how does that answer shift with age and gender? i mean, think of the family feud applications alone! my god!
- SkyMall Item of the Day: it's been far too long since i've checked up on SM, and i think they know it, because they're trying to sneak products by which i would NEVER APPROVE OF IN A MILLION YEARS.
take this little number, for example. i feel like skymall just pooped on my rug. VERY BAD SKYMALL!
Posts
1 comments:
My favorite part of the beer on your head story is this:
"After someone called 911 and hung up, deputies arrived at a house on Tilberg Street."
I love this sentence. Are the two clauses related? Were the deputies at the 911 call center, and decided that since they didn't have someone to talk to on the phone they would check out Tilberg Street? Is this the news outlets way of cramming stories together in an attempt to save time and effort? In other news, after the Redskins picked up Donovan McNabb, Russia and the U.S. signed a new nuclear weapons agreement.
Post a Comment