which movie character are you least like?

(this feature never gets old because it's so universal! as long as you know the person in question. and the movie character. and you still read this blog. if you answered yes to all three, then hello wendy!)

jordan taheri is least like...



...argyle, the kid limo driver from die hard. let's review the facts.

argyle is dependable but easily distracted; if he wasn't so busy blaring bell biv devoe and calling ladies on his in-car phone, he might have been able to help john mcclane a little earlier. but ultimately he comes through and takes down the dastardly theo, who was so shaken by the experience that he went on to be the doofy sidekick to walker, texas ranger.

jordan is not easily distracted, and this is why he can spend up to 4 hours examining a horse's prostate. sure, the professor told him it only should take a minute, two tops, but he is GOING TO GET THE JOB DONE RIGHT. unfortunately, that incident also demonstrated how unreliable jordan is, because we had plans to work on our tap routine for the summer camp talent show during those four hours. do you think i am capable of puttin' on the ritz alone, jordan? you are dead to me.

argyle is also a smooth operator (props, sade). he's a real people person, and the audience knows this because argyle is basically the only male non-cop character in the movie john mcclane doesn't brutally murder. that is some motherfuckin charm!

taheri, on the other hand, is decidedly un-charming. talk to him for more than five minutes and i promise you he'll eventually utter the phrase "that reminds me of this really weird porno i just rented..." um, we were talking about my great-aunt's experience in hospice care, dick. and who the hell rents porno still??

finally, argyle is clearly black. jordan refuses to divulge his ethnic background, a fact which many people believe to be evidence of possible sinister intent on his part. i find that to be very closed-minded. instead, i choose to believe jordan is just an unloved orphan who was raised with chickens on a farm (not free-range, mind you, the boy is a runaway risk if i've ever met one). only when he failed to demand a fair price at market was he set free, and he chose his name at random. sad? perhaps. but not racist!