Breakfast Time, 08/13/10

- Recently, the following email was sent to my inbox:

But I misread the title as "5 Simple Strategies for Bigger Mustaches." And that made me wonder - why isn't there some sort of cream or pill or procedure to give a man a fuller, more selleck-y mustache? You can get hair plugs, you can guzzle down ExtenZe by the handful (so long as you can block out the image of Jimmy Johnson offering to cross swords with you), you can even get calf implants. Yet science has yet to tackle this area which, frankly, is probably more crucial than tuberculosis.

The only reason I can offer is this: the 'stache is a sign of virility and supreme mandom which Nature will not allow us to cheat. And that is why I live a life of shame and my father will never really love me.

- So Lia, for reasons which are best explained as "Her boyfriend keeps giving her a body complex due to his well-intentioned but actually insulting 'compliments'," is going vegan for the month of August. This is mostly hilarious, but it's also an opportunity to raise some interesting questions.

1. How many pistachios can a person eat in one sitting before becoming ill? The answer, of course, varies depending on whether the shells are on or not. Shells on, I'm not sure you can even hit 100 before your fingers are a bloody mess. Shelled, hmm. That's intriguing. I bring this up because apparently Lia ate an entire bag's worth, which amounts to 1500+ calories. According to shoddy internet research, 49 kernels = 1 serving of pistachios, and that equals 170 calories. That means, if Lia is right, she ate nearly 400 pistachios.

Impressive.

2. Lia is also fully on board the almond milk train. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but what the fuck is almond milk? Have you ever tasted anything DRIER than an almond? I mean look, I'm not going to be a total stickler about the milk label - we all know coconuts don't lactate, but I'm fine if you wanna call it milk instead of juice. Whatever.

And this isn't almond-flavored milk or something. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DRINKING DAMMIT DO YOU EVEN KNOW???

3. Cheese is delicious. Never forget.

- SkyMall item of the day: Look, SkyMall, I'm not sure why you decided to put Aquabells in the "Back to College" section, but you need to understand something. Any student who gets these as a present to start the fall is going to fill these with booze, and someone is going to go to the hospital because he was overly confident that he could chug an ankle weight's worth of gin.

Can you live with that on your conscience, SkyMall?