The most sacrilegious thing you'll read all day, unless you get a drunken sext from Christopher Hitchens

The other day I had an idea. Well, no, not an idea - a revelation.

Though the Abrahamic faiths differ on whether the messiah has come or not (but hey, it's totally an agree-to-disagree situation!), they all concur that God will send humanity a redeemer. And my revelation is this:

Jonathan Brandis is/was the Messiah. You want proof? I GOT PROOF, HOMEY.

1. Jonathan Gregory Brandis was born the only child of Mary. Mary Brandis and her husband Greg. Greg was a firefighter and food distributor, which is basically our modern day equivalent of a carpenter. Was young Jonathan taught how to put out chemical fires as a child at his father's knee? I think we can all be sure of that. JB was born in Danbury, CT, and if you rearrange the letters in "Danbury" you get "A Dry Nub" which is clearly meant to indicate that his parents could not conceive naturally. Therefore, JB's birth was a MIRACLE.

2. Brandis got his first big role on One Life to Live. Like I even have to explain how poetic that shit is. His first starring role in a movie? The Neverending Story II. Let me cite the book of Revelation, Chapter 22, Verse 13 here:

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

It's as if young JB was trying to tell us all along that he was the one true savior. But were we ready to listen? Sadly, perhaps not.

3. The Miracles of Brandis

Ladybugs: In this film, JB plays soccer standout Matthew, and his mother's boyfriend Rodney Dangerfield convinces him to dress like a girl and be known as Martha. Cross-dressing is no miracle, you say? True.

BUT. Consider that Biblical Martha was witness to the resurrection of her brother, Lazarus. And Matthew is considered the first evangelist. Call it a coincidence; when I am frolicking with JB in Paradise and you are stuck in hell with Zachery Ty Bryan, we'll see what you think then.

Sidekicks: Asthmatic loser ends up fighting side by side with Chuck Norris. I think we can put this in the "confirmed miracle" column.

SeaQuest DSV: I understand if up until now you've doubted me. That's fine; that's actually perhaps healthy.

But then we have the dolphin that can FUCKING TALK.

That's right. This dolphin - cleverly named "Darwin" as a dig against those who still seriously claim that evolution has any scientific basis whatsoever - was given the gift of speech on SeaQuest, the hit television documentary. And who gave him this gift? That's right: OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JONATHAN BRANDIS.

4. JB's Death

As we all learned as dutiful schoolchildren, Jonathan Brandis met his untimely end at the age of 27 by what the Godless left-wing media falsely called suicide. A few points on this subject.

- JB died in Los Angeles (The City of Angels) after being taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital (named for the mount where Moses received the Ten Commandments).

- Many attribute his "suicide" to frustration with his Hollywood career. Many people unfairly generalize Hollywood as dominated by Jews. JB knew our weak minds, however, and this was yet another clue for us; Jerusalem, after all, was known as "Roman Hollywood."

- Jesus died at age 33. This means that JB was able to accomplish his Messiahdom in 81% of the time it took Jesus. How can you not be impressed by that efficiency?

5. The Hard Evidence

I hesitate to share this with you, for I know it will only lead to my demise at the hands of an obsessed mob of worshippers. But, after pulling my dinner out of the oven the other night, I found myself staring at this wonder of wonders...

Glory be to you, Lord Jonathan Brandis!