Breakfast Time, 12/13/10

- So Geico has entirely too many commercials as it is, but lately they've been running one that's a real headscratcher. Below is the key moment; basically this blonde suit is laying into the gecko in a case of "hilarious" mistaken identity.

Gecko explains he's not the Stanley from San Diego in question, blonde apologizes and leaves. I know, GOLD.

But here's what's going unsaid in this commercial. Even though the woman was wrong to accuse the gecko, it's still impliedly true that:

1. She fucked a lizard.

2. Instead of feeling shame and horror at 1, she's pissed that she never got a call or a second date.

3. SHE FUCKED A LIZARD.

Why is this ok, Geico???

- Let me tell you what is a horrorshow in Brooklyn, and that is shopping at our one and only Target. Imagine that Godzilla is real and has surfaced in the Atlantic. Imagine that we know he is coming to New York and will get here in two days. This Target looks like it's experiencing that level of panic and anarchy every damn day.

That isn't really my point, though. When I was in Anarchy Target the other day, the guy behind me in line was getting food items and ONLY food items. He was grocery shopping. At Target. Not Super Target, REGULAR Target. He was essentially telling anybody within sight that he couldn't give less of a shit about fruits or vegetables or anything not dusted with honey mustard powder. This man was going to go straight home, crack open that Sierra Mist, pop some Stouffer's French Bread Pizza in the oven, and enjoy some pretzels while dinner bubbled away. That's horrifying.

- I have ranted and raved about infuriating subway behavior many a time on these hallowed pages, but most of it occurs on the subway or the platform. There is, however, a separate behavior which is technically outside of these confines but equally awful.

That is a stairway leading into a subway. This lady and her child are doing the right thing - they are walking on the steps. You know what the wrong thing is? STANDING ON THE STEPS AND USING YOUR CELL PHONE BECAUSE YOU'LL LOSE RECEPTION IF YOU GO INSIDE BUT GOD FORBID YOU GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY.

Is it possible some people are so important that they have to take these calls and be ready to move quickly to another location? Yes. Those people do not ride the subway. They are Secret Service agents or ambulance drivers or Batman.

- SkyMall Item of the Day: Like any well-run business, SkyMall keeps close tabs on inventory and makes sure to break things down into useful and sensible categories for the consumer. For instance, this is the first item listed in "New Arrivals - Sports."

Look, SkyMall, I appreciate that you're trying to make nerdy kids feel cool and involved and not shunned. I really do. But this is about as far from sports as you can get.

Breakfast Time, 12/2/10

- Illogical Lyrics in Rap Songs

Young MC's hit "Bust A Move" features these lines towards the end of the song:

Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry

In five days from now he's gonna marry

He's hopin' you can make it there if you can

'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man

So...Larry is asking you to be his best man. And not his brother. And the wedding is less than a week away. And you haven't even RSVPed. And presumably if you don't show, Harry is the fallback option. If you do show, Harry gets demoted to usher.

Young MC, you are describing the way a wedding party is chosen in the same way that pickup kickball is organized. Observe:

Your best friend Rod has a brother Todd

He's getting together a kickball squad

Are you available on the following dates?

If you say yes, you'll play first base

- This Tampa story is old, but GOD where to begin. Why did you gather up the used remnants of your fireworks from the beach? Why did you put them in your car? And once the car was on fire, why did you get burned on 10% of your body trying to get the keys? SPOILER ALERT: lack of keys was not going to be the reason you weren't driving that '91 Lexus in the future.

Sadly, this totally sounds like something my sister would do. "But Mom, you told me to leave things better than I found them, and I couldn't find a trash can, so I had to put the fireworks scraps in the car!"

- SkyMall Item of the Day:

If you're looking to dump your significant other this holiday season, do it by giving them one present and one present only - a spiral ham from SkyMall. Nothing says "I don't care about your feelings anymore" like SkyMall Ham.