Bring out your dead!

Breakfast Time, 12/13/10

2010-12-09T15:45:00.004-05:00

- So Geico has entirely too many commercials as it is, but lately they've been running one that's a real headscratcher. Below is the key moment; basically this blonde suit is laying into the gecko in a case of "hilarious" mistaken identity.

Gecko explains he's not the Stanley from San Diego in question, blonde apologizes and leaves. I know, GOLD.

But here's what's going unsaid in this commercial. Even though the woman was wrong to accuse the gecko, it's still impliedly true that:

1. She fucked a lizard.

2. Instead of feeling shame and horror at 1, she's pissed that she never got a call or a second date.

3. SHE FUCKED A LIZARD.

Why is this ok, Geico???

- Let me tell you what is a horrorshow in Brooklyn, and that is shopping at our one and only Target. Imagine that Godzilla is real and has surfaced in the Atlantic. Imagine that we know he is coming to New York and will get here in two days. This Target looks like it's experiencing that level of panic and anarchy every damn day.

That isn't really my point, though. When I was in Anarchy Target the other day, the guy behind me in line was getting food items and ONLY food items. He was grocery shopping. At Target. Not Super Target, REGULAR Target. He was essentially telling anybody within sight that he couldn't give less of a shit about fruits or vegetables or anything not dusted with honey mustard powder. This man was going to go straight home, crack open that Sierra Mist, pop some Stouffer's French Bread Pizza in the oven, and enjoy some pretzels while dinner bubbled away. That's horrifying.

- I have ranted and raved about infuriating subway behavior many a time on these hallowed pages, but most of it occurs on the subway or the platform. There is, however, a separate behavior which is technically outside of these confines but equally awful.

That is a stairway leading into a subway. This lady and her child are doing the right thing - they are walking on the steps. You know what the wrong thing is? STANDING ON THE STEPS AND USING YOUR CELL PHONE BECAUSE YOU'LL LOSE RECEPTION IF YOU GO INSIDE BUT GOD FORBID YOU GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY.

Is it possible some people are so important that they have to take these calls and be ready to move quickly to another location? Yes. Those people do not ride the subway. They are Secret Service agents or ambulance drivers or Batman.

- SkyMall Item of the Day: Like any well-run business, SkyMall keeps close tabs on inventory and makes sure to break things down into useful and sensible categories for the consumer. For instance, this is the first item listed in "New Arrivals - Sports."

Look, SkyMall, I appreciate that you're trying to make nerdy kids feel cool and involved and not shunned. I really do. But this is about as far from sports as you can get.

Breakfast Time, 12/2/10

2010-12-02T09:40:00.007-05:00

- Illogical Lyrics in Rap Songs

Young MC's hit "Bust A Move" features these lines towards the end of the song:

Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry

In five days from now he's gonna marry

He's hopin' you can make it there if you can

'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man

So...Larry is asking you to be his best man. And not his brother. And the wedding is less than a week away. And you haven't even RSVPed. And presumably if you don't show, Harry is the fallback option. If you do show, Harry gets demoted to usher.

Young MC, you are describing the way a wedding party is chosen in the same way that pickup kickball is organized. Observe:

Your best friend Rod has a brother Todd

He's getting together a kickball squad

Are you available on the following dates?

If you say yes, you'll play first base

- This Tampa story is old, but GOD where to begin. Why did you gather up the used remnants of your fireworks from the beach? Why did you put them in your car? And once the car was on fire, why did you get burned on 10% of your body trying to get the keys? SPOILER ALERT: lack of keys was not going to be the reason you weren't driving that '91 Lexus in the future.

Sadly, this totally sounds like something my sister would do. "But Mom, you told me to leave things better than I found them, and I couldn't find a trash can, so I had to put the fireworks scraps in the car!"

- SkyMall Item of the Day:

If you're looking to dump your significant other this holiday season, do it by giving them one present and one present only - a spiral ham from SkyMall. Nothing says "I don't care about your feelings anymore" like SkyMall Ham.

The most sacrilegious thing you'll read all day, unless you get a drunken sext from Christopher Hitchens

2010-11-27T10:57:00.005-05:00

The other day I had an idea. Well, no, not an idea - a revelation.

Though the Abrahamic faiths differ on whether the messiah has come or not (but hey, it's totally an agree-to-disagree situation!), they all concur that God will send humanity a redeemer. And my revelation is this:

Jonathan Brandis is/was the Messiah. You want proof? I GOT PROOF, HOMEY.

1. Jonathan Gregory Brandis was born the only child of Mary. Mary Brandis and her husband Greg. Greg was a firefighter and food distributor, which is basically our modern day equivalent of a carpenter. Was young Jonathan taught how to put out chemical fires as a child at his father's knee? I think we can all be sure of that. JB was born in Danbury, CT, and if you rearrange the letters in "Danbury" you get "A Dry Nub" which is clearly meant to indicate that his parents could not conceive naturally. Therefore, JB's birth was a MIRACLE.

2. Brandis got his first big role on One Life to Live. Like I even have to explain how poetic that shit is. His first starring role in a movie? The Neverending Story II. Let me cite the book of Revelation, Chapter 22, Verse 13 here:

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

It's as if young JB was trying to tell us all along that he was the one true savior. But were we ready to listen? Sadly, perhaps not.

3. The Miracles of Brandis

Ladybugs: In this film, JB plays soccer standout Matthew, and his mother's boyfriend Rodney Dangerfield convinces him to dress like a girl and be known as Martha. Cross-dressing is no miracle, you say? True.

BUT. Consider that Biblical Martha was witness to the resurrection of her brother, Lazarus. And Matthew is considered the first evangelist. Call it a coincidence; when I am frolicking with JB in Paradise and you are stuck in hell with Zachery Ty Bryan, we'll see what you think then.

Sidekicks: Asthmatic loser ends up fighting side by side with Chuck Norris. I think we can put this in the "confirmed miracle" column.

SeaQuest DSV: I understand if up until now you've doubted me. That's fine; that's actually perhaps healthy.

But then we have the dolphin that can FUCKING TALK.

That's right. This dolphin - cleverly named "Darwin" as a dig against those who still seriously claim that evolution has any scientific basis whatsoever - was given the gift of speech on SeaQuest, the hit television documentary. And who gave him this gift? That's right: OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JONATHAN BRANDIS.

4. JB's Death

As we all learned as dutiful schoolchildren, Jonathan Brandis met his untimely end at the age of 27 by what the Godless left-wing media falsely called suicide. A few points on this subject.

- JB died in Los Angeles (The City of Angels) after being taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital (named for the mount where Moses received the Ten Commandments).

- Many attribute his "suicide" to frustration with his Hollywood career. Many people unfairly generalize Hollywood as dominated by Jews. JB knew our weak minds, however, and this was yet another clue for us; Jerusalem, after all, was known as "Roman Hollywood."

- Jesus died at age 33. This means that JB was able to accomplish his Messiahdom in 81% of the time it took Jesus. How can you not be impressed by that efficiency?

5. The Hard Evidence

I hesitate to share this with you, for I know it will only lead to my demise at the hands of an obsessed mob of worshippers. But, after pulling my dinner out of the oven the other night, I found myself staring at this wonder of wonders...

Glory be to you, Lord Jonathan Brandis!

EMERGENCY HALLOWEEN COSTUME

2010-10-27T15:10:00.003-04:00

Worried that Halloween is looming and you're still without a kickass outfit? Don't fret. Follow these simple steps.

1. Find a buddy who is also costumeless. Put on normal street clothes.

2. Each of you then affixes one of these snazzy stickers to your person.

3. Constantly ask people if they can dig it.

Give a man a flux capacitor, and he time travels for but a day

2010-10-26T16:20:00.005-04:00

It is widely accepted that Back To The Future shifted, almost seismically, our collective understanding of man, God, nature, and the soul. Marty McFly embodies a philosophy that many of us can claim for ourselves, even if we lack the poetry and talent to describe it.

But did you know that this film is more than just one of the world's most important epistemological works? In fact, it is also the most socially conscious movie ever.

OBSERVE! Among the serious and sobering topics addressed in Back To The Future are:

- Nuclear proliferation!

- Truancy!

- America's ever-expanding prison population!

- The questionable ethics of animal experimentation!

- The threat of terrorism on U.S. soil!

- Urban sprawl!

- Post-racial politics! (Fact: Mayor Goldie Wilson was doing his thing when Obama was still in undergrad.)

- Underage drinking!

- Date rape!
- The inherent shiftiness of gingers!

- The collapse of the American automobile industry!

- Alternative energy sources!

Yeah, I'd say that pretty much covers everything except gay marriage and Brett Favre's dick. But it has Billy Zane and Huey Lewis, so I'm sure we can all agree that makes up for it.

well, this is horrifying

2010-10-15T09:26:00.004-04:00

so i'm looking for a picture of a kid using a skip-it on google images. you know, the usual high-priced lawyer business. and i find this:

that's certainly not bad, but i want to know what my other option are. so, i click on "similar" hoping for something with a little more razmatazz (i have no idea what that means).

and this is what i get.
very brahsome of you, google. but seriously, i just wanted pictures of people playing with skip-it. these are all sexy ladies in sexy almost-no-clothing. are you drunk and horny, google? i told you, i don't think of you that way.

OK I'M SORRY GOSH

2010-10-14T16:20:00.005-04:00

look. i know it's been inexcusably long since i posted something. but i'm sorry that putting raptor heads on people bodies takes up a lot of my time now. (this is a lie; i am not one bit sorry.)

will things change? if you each send me $5,000 then yes, i will post every day. and not just about stupid crimes occurring in the greater tampa bay area. if you don't, well, then who knows. i'm not here to make friends.

that said, i had lunch with a work buddy today who, out of nowhere, insisted that he once had a law school professor who looked like the hamburglar. i was dubious, as the hamburglar's most defining characteristics are the ones which normal people never have, including:

- his outfit, which consists of old-timey striped prison garb, a lone ranger mask, and a big floppy hat
- lacking any knowledge of language other than "rubble rubble"
- only trying to steal people's hamburgers, and not, say, their purses or cars or social security numbers. which you would think could lead to money. which buys hamburgers.

(incidentally, while we're here, the crime of burglary involves entering a building for the purposes of committing an offense therein. robbery, on the other hand, is taking something by force or threat of force. so you cannot rob a house. similarly, you cannot burgle a food item. but i understand that "The Hamburobber" probably didn't test well with children ages 4-10.)

work friend was undeterred. he conceded that the professor didn't dress like the hamburglar but still, through some mysterious miracle of nature, he looked like the hamburglar.

this is the professor in question:

and this is the hamburglar:

SWEET LORD WHERE TO BEGIN.

first, underneath his jaunty hat, the hamburglar has red hair which he has neatly parted. (why he takes such care of his 'do when he's going to wear a hat, i have no idea.) professor dude is basically totally bald and CLEARLY he has never been a redhead.

second, the hamburglar has one and only one tooth, center stage. maybe he's pissed about this rendering him unable to eat most solid foods and therefore wants to steal everyone else's burger so they can share in his pain? that's profound. professor, based on the photo, has a minimum of six teeth. you know, LIKE A REAL PEOPLE.

third and finally, hamburglar has four fingers. we have no way of knowing if the professor is a run-of-the-mill owner of ten digits, but for the sake of argument, let's say he also only has four on each hand. if that's the case, then:

A. work friend should probably have said, "well, he partly looks like the hamburglar because he lacks pinkies."
B. that is a really dickbag way to talk about a handicapped person. you don't go up to some guy who got half his hand blown off in 'Nam and say "hey, you're just like Raphael!"

but good effort, work friend. you jazzed up an otherwise dull lunch by forcing me to get all angry about a mcdonaldland character. still, if you speak ill of mayor mccheese, i will end you.

Breakfast Time, 08/13/10

2010-08-13T10:31:00.004-04:00

- Recently, the following email was sent to my inbox:

But I misread the title as "5 Simple Strategies for Bigger Mustaches." And that made me wonder - why isn't there some sort of cream or pill or procedure to give a man a fuller, more selleck-y mustache? You can get hair plugs, you can guzzle down ExtenZe by the handful (so long as you can block out the image of Jimmy Johnson offering to cross swords with you), you can even get calf implants. Yet science has yet to tackle this area which, frankly, is probably more crucial than tuberculosis.

The only reason I can offer is this: the 'stache is a sign of virility and supreme mandom which Nature will not allow us to cheat. And that is why I live a life of shame and my father will never really love me.

- So Lia, for reasons which are best explained as "Her boyfriend keeps giving her a body complex due to his well-intentioned but actually insulting 'compliments'," is going vegan for the month of August. This is mostly hilarious, but it's also an opportunity to raise some interesting questions.

1. How many pistachios can a person eat in one sitting before becoming ill? The answer, of course, varies depending on whether the shells are on or not. Shells on, I'm not sure you can even hit 100 before your fingers are a bloody mess. Shelled, hmm. That's intriguing. I bring this up because apparently Lia ate an entire bag's worth, which amounts to 1500+ calories. According to shoddy internet research, 49 kernels = 1 serving of pistachios, and that equals 170 calories. That means, if Lia is right, she ate nearly 400 pistachios.

Impressive.

2. Lia is also fully on board the almond milk train. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but what the fuck is almond milk? Have you ever tasted anything DRIER than an almond? I mean look, I'm not going to be a total stickler about the milk label - we all know coconuts don't lactate, but I'm fine if you wanna call it milk instead of juice. Whatever.

And this isn't almond-flavored milk or something. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DRINKING DAMMIT DO YOU EVEN KNOW???

3. Cheese is delicious. Never forget.

- SkyMall item of the day: Look, SkyMall, I'm not sure why you decided to put Aquabells in the "Back to College" section, but you need to understand something. Any student who gets these as a present to start the fall is going to fill these with booze, and someone is going to go to the hospital because he was overly confident that he could chug an ankle weight's worth of gin.

Can you live with that on your conscience, SkyMall?

facebook: a wonderful source for unintentional comedy

2010-07-30T16:40:00.003-04:00

before you view the picture below, i want to make two things perfectly clear:

1. the photo album referred to does in fact contain pictures of dogs.

2. i can't say i have any idea how you can select which pictures will show up to represent an album on the news feed. i just assume facebook has a great sense of humor.

the low hanging fruit that is craigslist

2010-07-28T20:43:00.004-04:00

in theory, craigslist should be a really useful way to find an apartment, what with the multiple search options and category divisions and being free and all.

in practice, finding a worthwhile apartment on craigslist is like finding a faberge egg in a garbage bag full of barber shop hair trimmings: possible, but probably not worth the effort given the odds.

there are so many wonderful ways you can take your potentially worthwhile rental listing and just fuck it up beyond all reason. here's a helpful list!

1. Include no pictures. look. this is not the goddamn newspaper want ads. you can put pictures in FOR FREE. nor is this a particularly challenging proposition in this, our super modern steam age. there are only two reasons why you wouldn't put pictures in your ad: laziness or knowledge that your apartment is the number one cause of death by rat feces.
and the latter suggests that you are MORE than willing to trick people into coming to look at the apartment and then hope they are too stupid/intimidated to turn you down. asshole.

2. Stretch the truth about location. this is perhaps a new york centric problem, but once landlords figure out what the up and coming neighborhoods are, they will push those boundaries as far as they think possible. if i have a house in haiti, i don't get to say it's in the dominican republic because that's just next door.
even better than this is a stupid ass trick where the lister will just plug a bunch of random neighborhoods in at the bottom that have ZERO to do with the place. example: i am selling my used catheter, but i know that's not going to get a lot of interest. clearly the solution is to put "BMW Playstation Coach Rolex Fruit By The Foot" at the bottom. who does this work on???

3. Put up terrible pictures. in fairness, i have to put this below 1 and 2 because it's not deceptive. but god is it dumb. about 75% of the apartment photos on craigslist are either useless (hey, check out this bathroom cabinet! look, ceilings in all rooms! a picture of the space shuttle!!) or horrifying. if you are the landlord and you go over to snap some pics for your spiffy-new ad, but you find that your tenants have:

a. left dirty clothing all over the oven
b. drained a goat of all bodily fluid in the bedroom
c. placed a pyramid of empty KFC buckets on the windowsill
d. A and C

COME BACK LATER. DO NOT JUST SAY "FUCK IT" AND TAKE PICTURES ANYWAYS.

look. we all accept that there is some level of horror which previous tenants in our homes may have visited upon the premises. but we choose to move on in blissful ignorance. when you show filth and terror, you ruin that for us. you rob us of our innocence.

to prove my point, here is the WORST picture i have ever seen in a craigslist ad. at first it won't disturb you, but look closer...

that's right. a shirtless man with roughly 30% of his BARE ASS hanging out, just a-swifferin away. god help whoever takes this place.

i don't know why i made this

2010-07-27T14:53:00.001-04:00

and it doesn't really have any context, but whatever.

poison!

Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Want Star Wars To Be Ruined For You Forever

2010-07-26T13:46:00.003-04:00

let's look back on the original star wars, specifically the climactic battle. as you may recall, the empire has moved the death star (a giant space station capable of blowing up planets) near the secret rebel base located on one of yavin's moons.

however, the death star has to orbit the planet to get to the moon for a clear shot. that leaves the rebels with time enough to exploit the weakness they've found in the death star, and blow that shit to smithereens.

maybe that was all a little dense. here's a graphic to explain it:

here, the solid green circle is the moon with the rebel base. the solid grey circle with the eye is the death star. and the orange circle is the planet in between the two. this means the death star has to proceed in its orbit until it gets to the position indicated by the unfilled grey circle - where it has a clear shot.

unfortunately, this is incredibly fucking stupid.

if anybody had thought about this for more than 15 seconds, they would have realized the easy solution - blow up the planet. why? because it only leaves the following possible outcomes:

1. planet is vaporized, eliminating the impediment to a clear shot. moon is vaporized shortly thereafter.

2. planet is blown into a bazillion chunks of flying debris, pelting the moon with asteroids, as well as any spaceships the rebels have sent to destroy the death star.

3. the moon no longer has a gravitational center to its orbit, which just HAS to be bad. i'm thinking massive earthquakes, planet goes careening into space, whatever.

thank you for nothing, george lucas.

why plinko is the path of least resistance

2010-07-22T16:27:00.003-04:00

it occurred to me the other day that there is a whole segment of the consumer economy for which i have ZERO reference point: stuff ladies buy. for instance, take a standard manicure. i am confident that a manicure costs less than $100 and more than $1 based on the manicuring purchasing habits of the ladies i know. where the actual price falls in between those numbers is just a complete fucking mystery.

this probably all stems from childhood haircuts. (bear with me). before we discovered that my brother is actually a pretty good barber - especially for someone who frequently flips his underwear inside-out to get a second use before washing is necessary - supercuts/fantastic sam's/great clips was the way to go. a standard male haircut will run you around twelve to fifteen bucks before tip.

but my sister never EVER went to supercuts - she always got the salon treatment, where you have a specific stylist who knows you and has worked with you before. as best i recall, that cost like forty or fifty bucks. as an idiot child, however, i was easily convinced that the price difference was more than accounted for when you factored in that my brother and i got haircuts nearly monthly, while leah only got maybe 4 or 5 a year.

that logic is total bullshit. as far as i know, female hair doesn't grow slower than male hair. WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME, MOM??

but i digress. the point is, i think women are secretly keeping this segment of the economy secret so daughters can totally defraud their fathers. that way, high school leah can say "hey dad, i need some money to get my eyebrows done for the fish fry this saturday." dad asks her how much she needs. high school leah says "$200" and gets it. because what is dad supposed to do? it'd be like if i was in charge of doling out money to NASA for space shuttle fuel. i don't have the first clue what that shit costs.

this is all to say - i'm on to your tricks, women.

Text Messages I Received Back-To-Back That Are Not Related But I Wish They Were

2010-07-19T18:04:00.000-04:00

Kaitlin: So Haylie Duff gave me a lap dance. What did you do today?

Leah: Who's Greg Louganis?

goddammit, webmd

2010-06-29T13:53:00.000-04:00

fear of water? metallic taste in mouth? DECREASED APPETITE?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN SMELLING WAFFLE CONES EVERYWHERE TODAY MEANS I'M CRAZY.

your SAT word of the day

2010-06-22T18:49:00.002-04:00

/ɪnˈkɒŋ.gru.əs/

1. unusual or different from what is around or from what is generally happening

This man on the subway wearing jean shorts with cargo pockets has a tattoo of The Crow on his leg, and that is some incongruous-ass shit.

i knew those vuvuzelas looked familiar

2010-06-14T13:46:00.001-04:00

please explain this

2010-06-03T17:43:00.002-04:00

Snack Pack and Jell-O both make pudding products sold in convenient, lunch-box ready cups. Both items are made with the same general ingredients - milk, water, sugars, oils, and cocoa (because, um, who would pick a non-chocolate pudding for lunch?).

And yet Jell-O Pudding is sold in the refrigerated section of your local grocery whereas Snack Pack is just left on some godforsaken shelf between the Liquid Dawn and off-brand colored pencils. Can you name another food product that is sold both refrigerated and at room temperature? No. No you cannot. The only one I can think of is milk, which, in some European countries, is sold in boxes that are just out on display. Trust me, that is a jarring moment, but one which you have to accept unless you are willing to eat your pinoli dry.

How can people buy Snack Pack knowing this? Would you just purchase a leg of lamb that was stacked in a grocery cart next to the cereal aisle? Maybe instead of those tasty frozen taquitos you can be persuaded to get the warm package on sale by the shampoo!

Gross. YOU HEAR ME, SNACK PACK BUYERS?!?! YOU ARE GROSS!!

sorry fellas, she's taken

2010-05-26T11:47:00.001-04:00

Racktastic: so i'm reading reviews on an LG washing machine

and this was in one of the reviews and I almost burst out laughing in the office

"Can take gigantic sized loads without a problem. "

our collective childhood was not as perfect as it seemed

2010-05-21T17:12:00.004-04:00

despite the incredibly high tech look of this electronic journal, i am not a programmer in any way whatsoever. so i can imagine that making a video game can be a rather daunting proposition, especially now that this

is not realistic-enough looking anymore. even if it is totally fun to mow down skinless terminators by the dozens.

but! one thing video game makers do seem to have down pretty well at this point is titling. that may seem like one of the easiest aspects of making a game: you either go really simple and descriptive (a la duck hunt) or you just come up with some nonsense word or phrase and slap it on there (see arkanoid). of course an exciting title is better, but it's not like Sunset Riders was any less fun because it wasn't called Yippie Ki Yay, Motherfucker? (actually, i may be wrong on that.)

this simple goal escaped a number of video game makers in the late 80s and early 90s, however, a fact i only recently realized when i saw a repurposed copy of the great nintendo basketball game Double Dribble. it had never occurred to me until that moment that "double dribble" is a TERRIBLE name for a basketball game, as it refers to:

- an illegal act in the game
- which is not particularly exciting and
- which occurs rather infrequently because
- it is basically a total fuck-up on the part of one player.

it would be just as sensible to name your game "Double Fault Tennis" or "Catcher's Interference" or perhaps "Illegal Substitution."

Double Dribble was not alone, however. we can also point to:

Kick Off! - again, this is one of the most mundane and unimportant parts of a soccer game. it's not like american football where, oh no, somebody might run it back for a touchdown! didn't you programmers even bother to watch the sport?

Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf - which involves NO FIGHTING WHATSOEVER. you don't even get to hit balls at anybody! this is especially abusive considering lee trevino was a former marine, so it's not like he didn't have any combat skill to offer.

Revenge of the Gator - sounds fun, right? maybe it's some game where you play a louisiana gator, stalking hunters in the swamps and tearing them apart with your powerful jaws.

oh wait, it's just a fucking pinball game. where you don't want to let the gator eat your pinball. LAME.

Sensible Soccer - easy, everyone. just kick that ball nice and steady, make sure everyone's safe and we can all go home without incident.

Fire Shark - i'm being a little bit harsh here, because this is one of the reliably fun games where you pilot a plane along a scrolling landscape just shooting and bombing the shit out of everything. but, well, i liked the idea of a shark that shoots fire a lot.

Silkworm - ok, now we have the OPPOSITE problem from Fire Shark. in this game you can play as either a jeep with a mounted machine gun or a missile firing helicopter. these are both excellent options. now, i understand that lots of military vehicles are named after animals - the hornet and tomcat fighters, and the scorpion and leopard tanks, for instance. but those animal names are picked for a quality they invoke - speed or power or ability to KILL YOU DEAD SUCKER. a silkworm? makes silk. which we then turn into fine handcrafted goods your mom can buy at macy's. TERRIBLE CHOICE.

profiles in stupidity

2010-05-13T14:26:00.005-04:00

- Not to get all Handsome Steve on you here, but I joined a new fitness group and we had our first session last night. Overall it went pretty well - strenuous but not impossible, nothing totally beyond my ability, did not injure myself or vomit.

There was one area in which I disappointed spectacularly, however: jumping rope. If you want to feel like a complete jackass, I highly recommend you attempt to skip rope in public and fuck up REPEATEDLY. While there may be stronger ways to humiliate yourself - admitting you wrote the screenplay for Gigli, pantsing your grandfather only to find he was going commando, or accidentally eating mint jelly thinking it was green jello* - this is certainly one of the quickest and easiest.

- Look. I really didn't want to get into the middle of this fight, but I was forced to do so against my will.

Ok. These two girls I know (actually, one of them I've never met and she may well be a police officer posing in an attempt to entrap me in some shady arms dealing. NOT GONNA WORK) were recently at a carousel. Why, I don't know. I don't think they're pedos, but, well, book and cover and all that. In case they ARE pedos, let's call them Jim and Stan. Foolproof anonymity!

At the carousel, Jim and Stan happened upon this animal-seat:

and immediately argued about what animal this was, precisely. Jim insisted it was a hare (because apparently Jim is Aesop reincarnate and can't use such lowly words as "rabbit") while Stan said, no, Jim, that's a donkey. Jim came to me and demanded I choose one of those two options.

I tried my best to argue in favor of Donkey Stan - not because I actually think that's a donkey but because Jim is so easy to piss off you might as well embrace it. Jim wouldn't back down. "The tail's too fluffy!" "The face isn't long enough!" "The ears are all turned the wrong way!"

Those are dumb arguments. You know how you can tell this is a hare and not a donkey? BECAUSE IT HAS PAWS AND IT DOES NOT HAVE HOOVES. I'm an English major and even I knew that.

- This was Lia's status last night on Facebook:

It is a sad day when you reach for a beer and a piece of raw cookie dough in the fridge after eating too much pasta (with garlic) and convince yourself they're both "palette cleansers."

That is a sad day indeed. But none of the commenters on this little moment in heart disease had the decency to observe that, unless Lia was washing off her paintbrush with Coors and oatmeal raisin, she was looking for a PALATE cleanser. ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT??

* This is also a thing I have done. Shut up.

breakfast time, 05/05/10

2010-05-05T09:49:00.004-04:00

- so i recently moved into my own place, and high up there on the list of "awesome things about living alone" is complete and total TV control. you don't know how happy it made me to go through the DVR and cancel series after series. goodbye, one tree hill! so long, greek! sayonara, private practice!

if there's any downside to this, however (and i'm really not sure that there is), it's that i somehow missed spencer pratt's transformation into that liberace-esque psychic from univision.

i mean come on, EVEN THEIR SHITTY RINGS ARE THE SAME.

- as part of the moving process, i had to help clean up. in doing so, i found a small, round orange candy. the candy had no identifying marking on it though - no telltale "m" or "s" to be found.

it took every shred of maturity i possess to throw it away without further investigation.

- so apparently there's a swinger's club called "club elite" in pasco county. and it allegedly hosted an orgy of nearly 300 people at one point. let me tell you, if there's one place i never want to participate in an orgy, it's pasco county. if you're so inclined, click on the photo gallery so you can see how elite this club really is. (spoiler alert: there is a giant wall mounted lube dispenser.)

- SkyMall Item of the Day:

wait. are you seriously telling me for only 300 bucks i can OWN a bounce house? like a real life inflatable bounce house? there has to be some sort of catch, i just know it.

"Max. weight limit: 250 lbs."

before you make any comments, yes, i'm under the limit. dick. but it's not all that fun to bounce house by your lonesome. i guess the only solution is to invite pairs of pre-freshman 15 college girls over to bounce house. and i will serve them lemonade.

dammit i HATE when this happens

2010-04-26T19:04:00.005-04:00

so of course god forbid my english-majoring ass writes ANYTHING on here even remotely related to science. apparently i made a math error regarding a lifetime's worth of piss, and whoooo do you think happened to catch it?

that's right. it was that same old motherfucker...

...handsome steve.

it seems i missed a zero somewhere, because you don't produce 1,000 gallons of pee in your life unless you die before you turn 8. you churn out TEN THOUSAND gallons.

so instead of filling that aquarium, you are instead maxing out the capacity of this bad boy:

that is some serious urine output.

in closing, i would make some comment here about steve and expertise on all things related to ungodly amounts of human waste, but i won't. i respect his mother too much for that, dammit.

random thoughts so just deal with it

2010-04-23T20:20:00.005-04:00

- this weekend, i was walking in front of a very attractive girl carrying a small child piggyback. the kid was telling her how he was having his fifth birthday party on sunday, to which she replied "well i'm turning 18 next week!"

very clever trap you set there, nypd. very clever indeed.

- also this weekend i heard somebody blaring "Holla, Holla" by ja rule from their parked car. i've done the calculations and, well, the driver had to be ja rule. or possibly his mother.

- granted, this is gross, but i've been pondering how much pee a person produces in a lifetime. enough to fill a jacuzzi? a swimming pool? some sort of orca tank?
according to the national institutes of health, the normal range of urine ouput is 800 to 2000 milliliters per day. let's take the midpoint of 1400 ml/day. that's 511,000 ml a year, which is a about 13.5 gallons. over 78 years (the average U.S. life expectancy) that's one thousand fifty three gallons. OF PISS.

as a point of reference, this is a 1,000 gallon aquarium:

so if you peed in this and only this for all 78 years of your life, you would still spill fifty some gallons on the floor.

so this is a real thing

2010-04-20T11:13:00.000-04:00

"During penis fencing, each flatworm tries to pierce the skin of the other using one of its penises. The first to succeed becomes the de facto male, delivering its sperm into the other, the de facto female. For the flatworms, this contest is serious business. Mating is a fight because the worm that assumes the female role then must expend considerable energy caring for the developing eggs."

breakfast time, 04/12/10

2010-04-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

- this needs to be cleared up first and foremost: never will this blog be a source of "nude zinedine zidane pics." i know, you probably weren't worried that it ever WOULD be, but somebody got here searching for precisely that. and yes, i realize that the mere act of writing about this search makes it that much more likely others will stumble here searching for nude pictures of a head-butting bald frenchman. whatever.

- maybe you think i'm a capable, mature, self-sufficient person. (admittedly, you probably don't do this, but just imagine you do for a second.) CONFESSION TIME! i have no idea how to mop a floor.

well, not no idea, but a pretty poor one. i know you need a mop, a floor, a bucket, water, and some cleaning solution. it's the combination of those elements that always gets me. i know you need to put the water and the solution into the bucket, and then put the mop in, and then rub the mop all over the floor. or something. but what do you do when the bucket gets filthy after like two passes with the mop? (do not say mop more often. dick.) and what the fuck happens to all the water on the floor?

inevitably this process ends with me finding a towel i don't care about that much, slapping it on the floor, and stingray shuffling around until the water is mostly dried up. mopping is such bullshit.

- in the pantheon of great/ridiculous florida stories, this one is especially impressive. so much to marvel at here! i choose to focus on one fact in particular: how desperately can your body crave booze when you choose to chug a steel reserve in this situation?

- SkyMall Item of the Day: Mother's Day is just around the corner and, per the usual, SkyMall totally has your back, lil dawg. Just imagine the look of pure joy on mom's face when she sees this baffling light-up fountain floating in the pool! Don't believe me? Just check out this kickass review!!

"Fountain is very weak, shoots water less than 12" high. Pump stopped working after less than 5 mins of use. LED lights are not that bright. Not worth buying."

YEAH WE LOVE YOU MOM! (Seriously, what are you making for lunch, because Todd finished all the leftovers.)

breakfast time, 3/31/10

2010-03-31T16:36:00.003-04:00

i know, i know, it's 4:30 and that's no time for breakfast. but i just got back from vacation this week and my clock is all screwed up! i mean, in europe, it's...um...10:30 at night. dammit.

- ok, at first you read the headline and think "well shit, i know like fifty dudes from college who would be guilty if this is a crime." but then you read on and it turns out the old guy pushed his old lady girlfriend.

in some ways, getting a beer poured on you is actually WORSE than getting hit, in terms of conflict response. i know because this happened to me in the recent past at a rehearsal dinner for a good friend's wedding. once said beer was dumped all over my head (sneak attack style), what was i to do? you can't just haul off and clock someone; it's a wedding event and then you'll be the asshole. so you just have to sit there, with sticky beer rolling down your face, being the "better person." this is why i should be allowed to carry a stun gun.

- science has done many great and wonderful things for mankind, to be sure. but it has also failed us in some key ways (for instance, i highly doubt that, as back to the future II promises, we are five years a way from hover technology being so commonplace it is integrated into toys). chief amongst science's stumbles is poor milkshake-straw integrity. it is completely maddening to dive into a delicious chocolate shake only to have the straw collapse down onto itself, completely blocking the flow of delight.

this leaves you with two equally shitty choices. you could just power through, possibly rupturing your carotid artery in the process. the effort-to-pleasure ratio here is off the charts bad; i estimate it to be 140,000 pounds per square inch of pressure to every milliliter of milkshake. or you could take off the lid, get a spoon, and eat the shake blizzard style. while this is certainly an easier method, you'll soon find yourself drowning in an ocean of regret - if you were going to use utensils, think of all the OTHER dessert options you had! cakes! pies! AN ACTUAL DQ BLIZZARD!

- i find the census form to be disappointingly brief. this is an opportunity, federal government! once every ten years we can answer important questions, like which parts of the country are pro whipped cream and which are pro cool whip? who is america's favorite ninja turtle, and how does that answer shift with age and gender? i mean, think of the family feud applications alone! my god!

- SkyMall Item of the Day: it's been far too long since i've checked up on SM, and i think they know it, because they're trying to sneak products by which i would NEVER APPROVE OF IN A MILLION YEARS.

take this little number, for example. i feel like skymall just pooped on my rug. VERY BAD SKYMALL!

fucking pittsburgh

2010-03-16T15:37:00.003-04:00

so apparently mister rogers was one of pittsburgh's most favored sons, as discussed in an article the new york times ran today. that's all well and good, as you have to be the reddest of dirty red commies to hate fred rogers.

naturally, pittsburgh has a statue of this children's tv legend on display, near heinz field (because god forbid anything in pittsburgh ever is divorced from the steelers). below is a picture of that statue.

FUCKING HORRIFYING. a few proposed explanations for this monstrosity:

- the statue decays over time to evoke the sense that childhood memories and innocence fade and dissolve as the years march on, leaving only a fragmented shadow of brighter times.

- the piece depicts mr. rogers in a nuclear holocaust wasteland, as if to suggest that man's self-destruction is a grim inevitability, no matter our most noble intentions.

- the artist honors fred rogers by displaying his core purity of heart and kindness of spirit, rare qualities indeed in a world so often obsessed with vanity.

- this is in fact the body of rogers, poorly preserved in baked potato foil from Wendy's and left to rot in public.

filed under "things i don't want to be told"

2010-03-08T14:59:00.002-05:00

i got the following text from my friend and frequent travel companion hampton the other day:

"I'm playing oregon trail. You got measles and were bit by a snake, and then drowned in a river. I'm sorry."

now hold on just a damn minute. i realize the oregon trail is a dangerous adventure, fraught with peril and discomfort. i don't expect to make it through the whole pace with maximum rations and a slow and easy pace. someone's just going to get dysentery; that's how the law of averages works. but if i got measles AND got bit by a snake AND drowned in a river, well, you didn't exactly go to great lengths to try and prevent my untimely death, did you?

once i got sick, you should have rested, maybe for a day or two, and upped the food distribution a little. instead you pressed on. i guess that's forgivable - measles isn't exactly a death sentence.

then i got snakebit. now it's definitely time to stop. jostling around in the back of a wagon and stopping to hunt rabbits by the hundred-pound-load is not good for my infection, sir. i know there were no pioneers offering to trade 2 tubes of neosporin for 3 sets of clothing, but COME ON. THIS HURTS.

finally we came to the worst decision of all - the river crossing. i'm guessing you either caulked the wagon and floated it across or just tried to ford the fucking thing; in either case, you are cheap and reckless. you should have just ponied up the money to pay an indian guide to get us across (everyone knows this never leads to death because the oregon trail is terrified of being insensitive to our native american brethren.) did you really think, in the event that shit started to hit the fan, that my measle ridden, snake venom filled, no ration or rest having body could swim to safety?!?!?!?!?!

asshole.

which movie character are you least like?

2010-03-03T13:57:00.003-05:00

(this feature never gets old because it's so universal! as long as you know the person in question. and the movie character. and you still read this blog. if you answered yes to all three, then hello wendy!)

jordan taheri is least like...

...argyle, the kid limo driver from die hard. let's review the facts.

argyle is dependable but easily distracted; if he wasn't so busy blaring bell biv devoe and calling ladies on his in-car phone, he might have been able to help john mcclane a little earlier. but ultimately he comes through and takes down the dastardly theo, who was so shaken by the experience that he went on to be the doofy sidekick to walker, texas ranger.

jordan is not easily distracted, and this is why he can spend up to 4 hours examining a horse's prostate. sure, the professor told him it only should take a minute, two tops, but he is GOING TO GET THE JOB DONE RIGHT. unfortunately, that incident also demonstrated how unreliable jordan is, because we had plans to work on our tap routine for the summer camp talent show during those four hours. do you think i am capable of puttin' on the ritz alone, jordan? you are dead to me.

argyle is also a smooth operator (props, sade). he's a real people person, and the audience knows this because argyle is basically the only male non-cop character in the movie john mcclane doesn't brutally murder. that is some motherfuckin charm!

taheri, on the other hand, is decidedly un-charming. talk to him for more than five minutes and i promise you he'll eventually utter the phrase "that reminds me of this really weird porno i just rented..." um, we were talking about my great-aunt's experience in hospice care, dick. and who the hell rents porno still??

finally, argyle is clearly black. jordan refuses to divulge his ethnic background, a fact which many people believe to be evidence of possible sinister intent on his part. i find that to be very closed-minded. instead, i choose to believe jordan is just an unloved orphan who was raised with chickens on a farm (not free-range, mind you, the boy is a runaway risk if i've ever met one). only when he failed to demand a fair price at market was he set free, and he chose his name at random. sad? perhaps. but not racist!

An itinerant, footloose army of available and willing retirees in their 60s and 70s is marching through the American outback...

2010-02-19T15:00:00.005-05:00

The above phrase appears in a NYT article this week, and, based on that alone, you're probably thinking, WOW! Did Gramps finally snap and decide to get together with 1000 friends to take back America from "those damned Orientals?" (His words, not mine.)

Read it again. An itinerant, footloose army of available and willing retirees...is marching through the American outback. Holy shit, that sounds like the premise of a potentially fantastic movie. Maybe it's some sort of Mad Max deal, but in this doomsday the young are the zombies/cannibals/weird S&M gear wearing gas hoarders and only the elderly are left to rebuild!

Or maybe this is an alternate history where the Russians end up joining the Axis powers and attack California while most of the U.S. army is deployed in Europe, leaving only crusty World War I dudes to liberate the American West!!

OR maybe it's just a marauding crew of elderly thieves and rapists, murdering and burning everything in its path! Nothing can stop them! But in a twist it turns out they all have that disease from Jack and, in fact, this apparent army of old folks is actually a CHILD ARMY IN DISGUISE!!! (And none of them can be prosecuted for their crimes because they are all too young according to the relevant statutes!)

I know, I know - each one of those is a sweet, sweet idea.

Too bad the fucking story is just about retired old people volunteering to clean up fire pits and hand out trail maps for free camping time at parks. Way to waste glorious, glorious language, New York Times.

nothing makes sense any more

2010-02-13T23:59:00.005-05:00

take notes!

FACT - the new york subway system has a variety of standard messages they trumpet (either automatically or via the conductor over the loudspeaker) to passengers. usually this is something like "don't block the doors" or "backpacks are subject to random searches" or "all trains are running local and none of them are stopping anywhere below 34th street for the next five months." one such message informs you that "a crowded subway is no excuse for an unwanted touch."

the last four times i have stepped onto a subway train, that is the message that i have heard. accordingly, i would like the MTA to know two things.

one: if a stranger plays with my balls on the F train, i won't say "oh well it's just that the train is crowded and hey is that a ball gag?" i will report it PROMPTLY - either to the authorities or to my friends, depending on the stranger.

two: are you trying to warn other passengers that i am a oops-the-subway-lurched-i-had-to-hold-onto-your-boob-or-risk-injury person? because i am not.

FACT - at brunch last weekend, i went to the men's room and approached the urinal. hung above said urinal was a collection of four framed photographs, featuring...

1. general george armstrong custer
2. actor danny kaye
3. actor marlon brando
4. former bad boy artist and recent convert to islam loon

(that's loon, if you don't remember.)

i cannot for the life of me come up with ANY possible common thread for these four. but it's entirely possible that i am the only person on the planet who can recognize danny kaye and loon on sight. keep that in mind should you be forced to choose a select portion of the population to save in some doomsday scenario.

FACT - the Florida Gators hosted against Xavier on saturday in a game which many suggested would make or break Florida's NCAA tournament hopes. after falling behind early, Florida charged back in the second half and the lead kept getting traded. with a little less than four minutes left, the Gators were down three and a tv timeout was called. as they came back to the action, this is what was playing in the O'Dome:

florida promptly ended up playing like shit and losing by twelve. and honestly, when the arena pump-up song is something that most of the players and students would have heard on the bus going to second or third grade, you don't deserve to win. (unless of course that song is jay-z's "hard knock life.")

the softest generation

2010-02-11T10:27:00.002-05:00

as you may have heard, it's been snowrageous on the eastern seaboard lately. this meant i was forced to call upon my broad-jumping skills to avoid slush puddles, as my shoes cost upwards of $35 and mom says if i ruin them it's coming out of my birthday money. so i was going to thank the president's council on physical fitness and sports for helping me become the successful adult i am today.

but then i went to the president's fitness challenge website and saw that THEY HAVE TOTALLY DUMBED THIS SHIT DOWN. schoolkids today are only asked to participate in the following events:

- sit-ups
- pull-ups
- shuttle run
- mile run
- sit and reach

what the fuck happened to the standing broad jump? wasn't there a 50 yard dash? where is the motherfucking phantom chair? (i used to dominate at phantom chair.)

this is unacceptable. some goddamned brat is running around waving his fitness award thanks to this program becoming Fitness Lite. don't be surprised in twenty years when this country is overrun by mounties from our evil northern neighbor because all these kids can do is RUN.

weekend breakfast time

2010-02-05T19:13:00.005-05:00

- i know, a slightly extended absence from this, the GREATEST OF ALL BLOGS. there are two reasons for that. the first is that work is really busy and we had this big assignment and blah blah blah who cares.

the second is much better.

raptors on vacation. i made it for you to look at it, so if you don't love it then yes, you're a bad person.

- as you well know, the super bowl is sunday. during their conference victory speeches two weeks ago, both peyton manning and drew brees insisted their fans were the greatest fans in the world. basic math forbids that from being the case, so i decided to turn to the experts at consumer reports.

as you can see, neither mr. manning nor mr. brees was correct. colts fans, while they may have the edge in weight and power, lag behind the superior charge time and handling exhibited by saints fans. both have a ways to go to catch joss whedon fans, though, so don't be surprised to see the cast of Angel hoisting the Lombardi Trophy this sunday night.

- per usual, i was scouring the tampa news sites for hilarious anecdotes of florida ineptitude when i stumbled upon the "moms like me" section. i figured this wouldn't have anything useful. how wrong i was. can you tell which of these entries is not like the other.

unless, of course, mother sharks are posting on tampa bay news sites. which actually would make some sense.

- SkyMall Item of the Day

Oh so many choices in the Valentine's Day section of SkyMall, but I'm going to go with the giant cupcake pan, because it can only send two possible messages to the recipient:

1. Happy Valentine's Day! Now make me a big ass red velvet cupcake, chop chop.

2. You are morbidly obese.

And of course the reviews are a delight. My favorite has to be this gem, courtesy of "waimea" -

"Being from Australia, I had never seen a cup cake of this size..."

We get it, Waimea. Americans are fat.

please do not attempt to leave your homes

2010-02-01T10:29:00.003-05:00

Welcome to February, or, as the Anglo-Saxons called it, Solmonath, which means "Mud Month." And boy, were they right, because this is one miserable excuse of a month. It's guaranteed to be mind-numbingly cold, grey, and shitty. Football is soon to be over and basketball isn't getting good yet. The box office is sure to be dominated by a terrible rom-com that basically bills itself as "Hey, looky - you like famous people and Black Eyed Peas songs and shiny SHINY SHINY!"

I offer as proof the following tragedies from February history -

1497: Savonarola's Bonfire of the Vanities destroys art and literature of untold value.
1819: Spain sells Florida to the U.S. for the price of $5,000,000.
1855: Michigan State University is established.
1933: The Reichstag is set on fire.
1954: The first Church of Scientology opens.
1974: People magazine is published for the first time.
1979: Mr. Ed dies.
1986: Lauren Conrad is born.
1993: ATF agents conduct their initial raid on the Branch Davidian church in Waco.
2003: Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates re-entering the Earth's atmosphere, killing the entire crew.
2006: Vice President Cheney shoots a man in the face.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS IN FEBRUARY. AT ALL.

But I think it's important to approach this month of misery with a sense of purpose by setting a few goals. If I can meet most of these, I'll consider it a successful February.

1. Keep murders down to a weekly average of 2.5
2. Gain less than 45 pounds
3. Purchase and deploy The Mercenary
4. Apologize after throwing coffee on a total stranger without reason
5. Call mom more often

breakfast time, 01/28/10

2010-01-27T21:35:00.009-05:00

- A collection of thoughts from last night's State of the Union

-1-
roommate: I don't understand why Michelle Obama doesn't get to sit up front.

me: Well, that's where the dignitaries sit, like the Justices of the Supreme Court, or the Joint Chiefs, or whatever.

roommate: Yeah, but at an NBA game you don't see the wives sitting up in the nosebleeds! At baseball games family and friends get to sit right behind home plate!

-2-

Are there deeply, deeply Southern people that feel that calling the speech the "State of the Union" address is a personal attack on the fallen Confederacy? Those people simply have to exist, and if you disagree, clearly you did not have the same Driver's Ed teacher I did.

-3-

President Obama obliquely referenced the special election in Massachusetts last week for the last Senator Kennedy's seat, which, as you all know, went to the GOP and deprived the Democrats of the 60th vote they needed to invoke cloture. (You have no idea what I just said, do you?)

This caused me to wonder something: for how many of President W's eight years did the Republicans hold 60 seats in the Senate? And, not surprisingly, the answer is zero, which we all knew because of all those memorable newspaper headlines from 2000-2008 proclaiming "REPUBLICANS IN SENATE CRIPPLED BY 40+ DEMOCRATS; BUSH UNABLE TO PURSUE ANY KEY POINTS OF HIS AGENDA."

(To clarify - I'm not saying the Republicans are just meaner and bigger assholes than the Dems [though they may be] but I am saying that the Dems were total bitches for most of the Bush administration.)

- Whew, that sure got serious. Hey, look, a picture of John Oates Jazzercising!

I feel better already.

- Two facts to get out here. One: If you're already in a juvenile diversion program, you shouldn't steal a fire truck and go joyriding. Two: Fact one only applies if the truck was not left on the side of the road with the keys in it and running. Every time I walk by a parked, running UPS truck with nobody sitting inside, I think about just hopping in and taking off. Eventually my better judgment overrules that urge, but I cannot imagine the level of temptation I would have to overcome if you replaced that UPS vehicle with a fire truck.

- Lia's boyfriend is a national treasure. I offer you proof courtesy of her tumblr.

GC: Oh, great picture!

Lia: Thanks! Yeah I think it came out pretty good.

GC: You both look so homely!

Lia: Homely?!

GC: Yeah! Cute and homely.

Lia: GC, homely means ugly.

GC: It does? Well shit, I’ve been using that word wrongly for a long time then. (pause) I meant you guys look plain. Like not that glamorous.

Lia: What??

GC: I mean like…plain…like, shit.

Lia: Yeah.

I swear, that man is doing so much to make me look like a catch by comparison. I should probably give him a basket of canned corn and taffy as a reward.

- SkyMall Item of the Day

WHO WOULD EVER BUY THIS GOOD GOD I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP NOW

breakfast time, 01/21/10

2010-01-21T11:40:00.006-05:00

normally this is just a collection of random thoughts and pointless links to stories about florida dogs committing accounting fraud while driving a moped - but not today!

today i am promoting lia's latest attempt at fame and quick fortune - yaydiy.com

(the diy, of course, is for "do it yourself." the yay is to indicate that lia has the mind of a child, which is why she can't be held responsible for her public temper-tantrums. even when they result in someone getting set on fire.)

originally i assumed this would be a website about new and exciting masturbation techniques. much to my chagrin, it is not. in light of that disappointment, i have a few requests for things i would like to see featured by lia and her partner so that i might do them myself.

1. Batmobile

Clearly Batman didn't just drive down to the Audi dealership and ask them to throw a body kit and some flamethrowers on there. The man DID IT HIMSELF. That said, I don't expect a full recreation of the Batmobile - that would be ludicrous, since the plans are clearly not available to the public. But I do expect to learn how to upgrade my Chevy Malibu with a grappling hook, submarine function, and tailpipe that shoots piranhas. All for under 400 bucks.

2. A broadsword

Pretty much any movie that takes place before the Renaissance features the lead male character forging a weapon by heating metal and hammering the shit out of it. I can tell you from extensive experience, those are NOT the only two steps. We could all benefit from an exhaustive, educational series from Lia on how to make such a noble instrument of death using the tools found in your average one bedroom apartment.

3. Floss

This is just string rubbed in mint, right? I feel like that should be right. Yet my gums are clearly indicating otherwise.

4. Ice Cream Cake

So the Food Network website top two recipes for this query are predictably useless. You can go with Rachael Ray's, which basically involves just putting pre-bought ice cream on top of pre-bought cake. THANK YOU FOR THAT BIT OF GENIUS RAY-RAY. Or you can go with Nigella Lawson's, which doesn't actually have any cake and is really just ice cream filled with candy bits such as "2 ounces Crunchie bar, broken into shards and dusty rubble." Leave it to the British to come up with a recipe that is both woefully unsatisfactory and unnecessarily verbose. Fill this void, Lia, because I am tired of seeing 1/4 of my take home salary go to Carvel.

5. RU-486

If I know Lia this project is already underway. ZING!

6. Duck Hunt rifle

This is the Nintendo Zapper

and it is used to shoot ducks (or clay targets if you're a wuss) in the hit NES game Duck Hunt. I'm not going to tell you Duck Hunt isn't still fun as shit because it very much is. But there's something unrealistic about using a handgun to shoot ducks. I am no huntsman myself, but even I know you'd use a rifle. I mean, if I'm going to set up a blind in my living room and dress in full camo to play, why not complete the sense of realism?

Also, it would be great if Lia could figure out a way for the Nintendo to spit out freshly cooked roast duck after you complete a round.

7. Retractable claws

Need not be made out of adamantium.

politics!

2010-01-20T17:03:00.000-05:00

Nat: way to go, taxachusetts

me: am i the only one not totally upset by this

Nat: you're cool with it?

me: i mean it's not my preferred outcome

Nat: that guy posed nude in vogue or soemthing

and he has a great body

a GREAT BODY

well, it helps that you're not from massachusetts

and that you're used to having a bunch of wacky real estate speculators and old people make crazy electoral choices

me: yeah i mean

we have some TERRIBLE congress members from florida

this guy doesn't seem like completely awful

and she was wholly unimpressive

Nat: he's a d-bag lawyer!

i mean, so was she

hmm...

me: NOMAH

Nat: i just feel like he's basically going to be a republican pawn

not that she was going to do any better

me: WELKAH FAH CAHMPTROLLAH

being a toys "r" us kid is not always an advantage

2010-01-20T14:43:00.002-05:00

being a professional in the big city can be challenging in a number of ways, but at this point i'd like to think i've got my life in order well enough to handle most of the hurdles life throws at me. there is one place, however, that regularly exposes me as a fraudulent adult. and that place is the salad station at any deli.

here's how a typical deli salad station encounter goes.

first, i hand my lettuce bowl over to the saladier, who asks for my first ingredient. this usually isn't a troublesome spot, because, one presumes, every choice that's available to me is meant to go in a salad. usually the go to here is something safe and broad, like tomatoes or cucumbers.

now it's time for ingredient two. there's a little pressure here because this should pair with ingredient one in a somewhat harmonious way, but that still leaves me with a number of options. maybe here i'm electing to go with corn, or avocado, or chickpeas, or even craisins.

saladier asks for ingredient three and now we're in trouble. at this point i usually know what i want but, without fail, the salad station won't have that ingredient. flailing, i'll go with an item that shares some rudimentary characteristic with the one i desire. observe:

"Ok, I've got tomato and corn. Some black beans would be nice, wouldn't they? Very southwestern or something. Great, black beans it is! So let's see...well, maybe over by the...no...but...FUCK. I guess we could go with black...olives?"

terrible. embarrassingly terrible.

still shaken from this turn of events, i head for ingredient four. unfortunately, my head is still way back on ingredient three, trying to figure out what the fuck went so wrong. inevitably, lingering on the past ruins this pick, as i just scan for something remotely familiar and point. so yes, that's how i ended up ordering imitation crab meat without even knowing it.

i now have a green salad with tomato, corn, black olives, and imitation crab meat mixed in. this is a clusterfuck in edible form. it almost doesn't even matter what i do here. for a minute i'll pause and think about throwing some cheese on there - but cheese is delicious! why would i punish it by including it in this unholy amalgam?

we're now at the final step - selecting a dressing. ideally, this is where i'd pick something to really finish the salad nicely and bring out something from each carefully selected ingredient. realistically, i'm now searching for something overpowering enough that i won't actually have to taste anything i picked. honey dijon? why not?

there's probably some lesson to be drawn from all of this. hell if i have any idea what it is.

i take it back, west virginia does suck

2010-01-19T17:29:00.001-05:00

me: so i know i give you a lot of shit

but honestly i think you're a hell of an athlete

and i wanted to pass along a promising opportunity

http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/2010/01/19/nba_563760.shtml

handsome steve: hahaha, does the uniform come with a hood?

or do i have to bring a pillow case and they'll cut the eyes out for me?

me: until they get some ad revenue, the latter

but dont worry, once they see your unstoppable underhand free throw technique, powerade will be calling

handsome steve: you know they'll be lovin my low-post game too...i can hook-shot an airball like nobody's business

me: HEY WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN TO PULL GET THAT KAREEM ABDUL-JATRAITOR NONSENSE OUTTA HERE

handsome steve: son I'm talking about hot-rod hundley hook-shot...kareem stole it from HIM, the WHITE MAN

me: jesus. you are so west virginny it's terrifying.

breakfast time, 01/19/10

2010-01-19T14:12:00.005-05:00

- it's well established that i am ever so quick to unleash a hateful diatribe against my home state when the occasion calls for it, but sometimes it's important to gain some perspective and remember that, while florida may have her flaws, other states also totally fucking blow.

but west virginia is, well, sort of an easy target. that got me thinking, because i know a number of people who hail (in some form) from west virginia, and they all seem to be fairly bright and socially acceptable and non-horrifying. does that mean all the good children of the state grow up and move away, never to return, creating some sort of brain drain where the only people left serve to reinforce the stereotypes? or am i just being a dick? i'm just being a dick, aren't i?

- but seriously, florida becomes more and more like jumanji every day.

- some companies are just so fucking ballsy it's awesome; today, i want to tip my hat to the fine advertising folks working for Taco Bell.

you probably have already seen the ads for the taco bell diet with the broad pictured below.

i haven't looked into it but i'm assuming the small print says that to lose weight on this diet you can only eat soft tacos with lettuce. and you can only have 3 a day. all of which must be followed by sleeping in your car on a hot day with the windows rolled up and the a/c turned off.

bold of taco bell to try and follow in the dietary footsteps of subway? quite. even bolder? the fact that the company also runs commercials for the below item - SOMETIMES DURING THE SAME BREAK IN A PROGRAM.

brilliant. by appealing to both fatties and shamed fatties*, taco bell moves one step closer to the restaurant domination described in Demolition Man.

*as a shamed fatty i'm allowed to use these terms.

- Tip of the Day from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

A Man's Bow

A man's bow, a slight, graceful inclination of his body from the waist up, is the grown-up version of the boy's dancing class hand-on-heart one. He must modify to modern usage the courtly, sweeping bow of the knight-errant, and the only way he can master it is to practice it in front of a mirror until he knows how he looks. His bow must then become as much a part of him as his skin and should be so geared as to be suitable for men and women alike. It should be a democratic bow, as gracious to the little girl down the street as to the British Ambassador.

You must return any bow directed to you, whether or not you know the person bowing, or whether or not you have a friendly feeling toward the bower. Sometimes a person bows under the assumption that he knows you - and such a bow you must return, though if you are certain a mistake has been made you do not stop, if you can pretend you haven't seen the other person hesitate, in order to save him or her embarrassment.

confusing friends

2010-01-14T21:17:00.002-05:00

item 1: two newlywed friends of mine recently went to jamaica on their honeymoon and stayed at a Sandals resort. for some reason i've always thought Sandals was a series of resorts for swingers, but this couple doesn't seem like that type. and the Sandals website is of no help:

What is Sandals?

Sandals is a diverse collection of 12 of earth's most idyllic Luxury Included® resorts. Sandals is a uniquely romantic vacation for couples in love looking to get away from it all and to just be with each other.

uniquely romantic? as in your wife is free to hump any swede that happens to catch her eye? but there is that "just be with each other" business. mmm, unclear so far.

We are traveling with a couple of friends. Can we request adjoining rooms?

We accept requests for adjoining rooms and will always do our best to accommodate you and your friends. However we cannot guarantee that adjoining rooms will be available.

to me this reads "so you want to wife-swap with tom from the rotary club? that's cool. but please understand sometimes there is SO much prearranged swinging going on at our resorts that you'll have to scamper down the hall to get some action."

Is nude sunbathing allowed at Sandals?

Sandals does not promote or advertise clothing optional or topless sunbathing. In the event a guest chooses to participate in this activity in more remote areas, the management will intervene only if it becomes disruptive to other guests.

translation: short of rape, fuck whatever you like, whenever you like, however you like.

item 2: courtesy of an email exchange between me and grant.

I end up having to make cookies the way people did before some genius invented break and bake; like with the cookie powder and eggs and water and milk and butter. And let me tell you something, it was AWFUL. Takes all the joy out of cookie-making. To compare the two, If break and bakes are a 10 out of 10 on the delicious scale, then these cookies were a 7 or 8, so not too bad. Now if break and bakes were a 10 out of 10 on the ease of preparation scale, then these cookies were a -3. And that's not an exaggeration.

What the fuck is cookie powder?

You know, fuckin cookie powder. I can't tell you how long I tried to come up with a better word, only to be unsuccessful. All I know is that it's powdery and it requires milk and butter and eggs and heat before being ready to eat.

i still have no idea what he's talking about. i'm worried it's flour. seriously, is "cookie powder" a real thing? it's not, is it?

- item 3: this has nothing to do with a friend but whatever. a recent nyt article was describing how tons of people who have been laid off are going back to school. pretty standard and not very surprising - until one sneaky sentence.

"Prebble Q. Ramswell, 37, is among those choosing to return to school after being unable to find work."

please. you believe me to expect that PREBBLE Q. RAMSWELL isn't a made up name? i understand journalism is not always as fun as just shoot me would make it seem, but come on. get a real source, dick.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

2010-01-07T01:10:00.002-05:00

we are all, i'm sure, familiar with the classic character of inigo montoya from the princess bride, portrayed by mandy patinkin. inigo, of course, seeks revenge for the death of his father, killed by count rugen (played by christopher guest).

inigo tells us that he was only 11 when rugen murdered his father. but it occurred to me that mandy patinkin and christopher guest look to be around the same age, both in real life and the movie. and, indeed, guest is only 4 years older than patinkin.

what that means is inigo's father, who was supposed to be some kick-ass bladesmith and sword fighter, got his ass handed to him by someone with a fucking learner's permit. i'm sorry, but maybe instead of focusing on REVENGEREVENGEREVENGE you should come to terms with the fact that your dad got bitchmade. just tell people he drowned in a rafting accident or something less humiliating.

(above: count rugen at a murderous fifteen years old)

It's just the two raptors, right? You're sure the third one's contained?

2010-01-05T15:09:00.001-05:00

Yes. Unless they figured out how to open doors.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - January 4 through January 7

2010-01-04T17:59:00.007-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, what you see to your left is my Winner's Jacket. It has been passed down from generation to generation, from my great-grandfather Statuesque Stefanius, to my grandfather Rugged Stevie, to my father Ladykiller Stephen, and finally to me, his Handsomeness.

I do not lose in this jacket. You name it - blackjack, craps, Jenga - if I'm playing it in this jacket, I am winning. So it is with jacket on that I make these my final picks for this bowl season. It's been a sweet ride with you, Peter Bro'tooles and Brosephine Bakers. You've been almost as great as the sweet paychecks that I get for this gig.

(Ed. note - We do pay Handsome Steve for this featured column, but not in cash. Once a week we drop off a mixture of baby powder and Tang that he's convinced is human growth hormone.)

January 4

Fiesta Bowl - Boise State v. TCU
Goddamn. That is some full scale ginger. I'm taking Boise plus the four points only because I can't see how the rest of the offense can even look at Dalton in the huddle.

January 5

Orange Bowl - Georgia Tech v. Iowa

Hey look, the most boring BCS game features the most boring quarterback hair! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT. Take Georgia Tech and the 3.5 points.

What's that? I'm supposed to give a reason for the pick? Fuck you - these guns are reason enough.

January 6

GMAC Bowl - Troy v. Central Michigan

Though we all agree that the fade is overdone in college football hairstyles, LeFevour is actually kind of rocking it here. It has an aura of "don't worry, wide receivers/high school senior girls. I'm here to protect you." And normally that would really touch me where it counts. But Levi Brown, damn, that is some HAIR my man. Fellas, trust me when I tell you to print that picture out and take it to your local Fantastic Sam's (official hair cutters of Handsome Steve). Troy plus 4.5.

January 7

BCS National Championship - Texas v. AlabamaGreg McElroy, I've seen 5th graders with quarterback hair better than that. Nobody has looked good in the side part since me in 1998 (and yes, it did look awesome as shit on me, thank you). Your hair is all potential and no production.

Meanwhile Colt McCoy basically looks like a less athletic, uglier version of myself. So yes, he's not 105% likely to win, like yours truly. But he's probably a solid 87%. And that's not too shabby. Texas plus 4.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 10-11-1.

SCIENCE IS NEAT, file 73

2010-01-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

if this doesn't make you want to watch planet earth then, i'm sorry, we cannot be friends.

breakfast time, 01/04/10

2010-01-04T13:31:00.003-05:00

- presented without comment:

me: it turns out almost every girl i know thinks eli manning is hot

jessica: hmm
jessica: well, i wouldn't say he's hot

jessica: but he's definitely doable

jessica: given his profession, etc.

- to the person who found this blog by way of searching for "meyer and tebow share a snuggie"

you are welcome.

- my old officemate told me that his mother warned him to be careful when opening his stocking this year. he assumed that meant it contained something breakable. she in fact meant that she had put knives as gifts in the stocking, handle side down. i feel there are perhaps more subtle ways to say "stop coming home for christmas" but i am hard-pressed to think of more effective ones.

- SCIENCE IS NEAT, file 47: everyone should read this article about the Leidenfrost Effect if only to understand how it is possible to dip a wet finger in molten lead and escape uninjured. (i know we've all found ourselves faced with that daunting task before.)

- SkyMall Item of the Day: If you are such a forgetful dumbass that you need to keep your cell phone strapped to your body lest you misplace it, maybe you should just stay home. And then you can just get a landline. But not a cordless phone.

Also, exactly what is the fashion statement referred to in the description? "Please return me to the local mental institution?"

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - January 2

2010-01-02T13:29:00.013-05:00

Great win for my Gators last night, or so I am told. I was unfortunately indisposed discussing an important business opportunity with the head editors of Playgirl. Let's just say before long you may learn that not ALL of Handsome Steve is as white as you think.

January 2

Papajohns.com Bowl - South Carolina v. UConn

Why did both of these quarterbacks decide to show up for team photo day with bed head? Stephen Garcia looks like he was just pulled out of a dumpster and forced to put on a polo. But at least he didn't button up that polo all the way. South Carolina minus three points in this war with no winners.

Cotton Bowl - Ole Miss v. Oklahoma State

I can't even tell you what Jevan Snead's hair looks like because HOW CAN YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THAT LUSTROUS MANE ON ZAC ROBINSON. You cannot, sir. Because that is the hair of a leader and a winner. If I could sex that hair, I would. But I would not use protection, because Handsome Steve is a sensual tiger that cannot be caged. Oklahoma State plus 2.5.

Liberty Bowl - Arkansas v. East Carolina

Yawn. Why are there so many football programs sponsored by the Flowbee? How can you read the different layers of the defense if you only have one layer of hair? Can you really trust a quarterback to check down to the secondary receivers if he cannot even bother to consider whether bangs would enhance his look?

No. No you cannot. I dunno, Arkansas minus 10 sounds fine to me.

Alamo Bowl - Texas Tech v. Michigan State

I cannot begin to state how easy of a choice this is. This is about as fair a matchup as Handsome Steve versus your current boyfriend, ladies. But I'm sure you're happy in your current relationship, even if you don't get the pleasure of this Adonis escorting you to the Olive Garden or Ruby Tuesdays of your choice. Money is no object, girl.

Texas Tech minus 8.5.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 9-8-1.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 31

2009-12-31T12:20:00.011-05:00

Did you really think I was gonna get up early to give you a prediction for a NOON bowl game? Obviously you've underestimated my social agenda.

I have, however, come up with an easy answer to this Urban Meyer situation: Bring me in as player-coach. If there's one phrase that describes me, it's ruggedly handsome. But if there is a second phrase, it is natural leader of men. First rule as coach - if you can't outbench me, you don't play. I predict we may have to relax that rule just to field a complete defensive line.

Plus, I'm fine just coaching for one year while Urbz gets his mind right. Handsome Steve is not exactly what you might call "big on commitment."

December 31

Sun Bowl - Stanford v. Oklahoma

Now this is an interesting matchup beyond the fact that Pritchard isn't the usual starter. No, I'm going to focus on the fact that we have two (2) quarterbacks here with clearly pointy heads. Weird, yes, but workable, as Stanford's QB is showing. Jones, the fade only ACCENTS your point. Not a winner's cut. Stanford plus 7.

Texas Bowl - Missouri v. Navy

Tough call here given that we basically have near-identical QB hair here, but when in doubt, HANDSOME STEVE SUPPORTS AMERICA. Take Navy and the six points here and do some pushups at halftime, because you know those fuckin British are just itching to take back this land.

Insight Bowl - Minnesota v. Iowa State

Two dull-ass teams, two dull-ass haircuts. At least Austen is completing the dull trifecta with his refusal to smile. The fuck are you so happy about, Weber? Iowa State plus one and a half.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl - Tennessee v. Virginia Tech

Vol fans, how does it feel having an Everlast impersonator line up behind center? Jesus. Are you TRYING to look like a sex offender, Crompton? I would not be at all surprised to learn that a rattail was photoshopped out of this picture. Virginia Tech minus 4.

Enjoy New Year's Eve, Brosemite Sam.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 5-8-1.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 30

2009-12-30T15:53:00.005-05:00

Almost 2010, little dawgs. Seems like all the rage this month is counting down best-ofs from the last decade, so why not do one of my own?

Top 5 Sporting Achievements of Handsome Steve, 2000-2009

5. 2007: Needing to pick up a 7-10 split to beat my homeboy in a heated bowling match, I nail the spare AND rip my shirt flexing in celebration.

The real winner that night? Agnes the bowling alley fry cook. Youknowwhatimsayinriiiiiiiiiiight?

4. 2003: Shooting some hoops with my boys and I'm draining finger roll after finger roll. Just embarrassing the crew with my wrecking ball low post game. All of a sudden, a stretch Dodge Durango pulls up, and who should step out but Carmelo Anthony and Detroit Pistons GM Joe Dumars. Melo jokingly says he could take me with one arm tied behind him, but Handsome Steve says your mouth better not write checks your skills can't cash. A 21-3 asswhooping later and we all know why the Pistons drafted Darko.

3. 2000: Pinned your mom in 4 seconds. And she's a big lady.

2. 2006: Just at the mall fuckin around with my hacky sack when I see some dude grab a lady's purse and bolt. Now, he's on the second floor up by the Auntie Anne's pretzel stand, and yours truly is chilling outside PacSun (natch) on the first floor, maybe 400 feet away. How am I supposed to stop this dude before he makes it out the second floor exit to the parking garage?

Hacky that sack right into his throat like some sort of hemp sniper, that's how.

1. 2008: I'm not really supposed to share this until Tebow graduates, but fuck it. The night before the '08 National Championship, Coach Meyer calls me and tells me Tim's freaking out and refuses to play. Unfortunately, there's no time to rewrite the playbook to accommodate Brantley's different set of skills, so they need me to step in as Faux Tebow.

I'll be honest, I was worried. Flag football dominance is one thing, but strapping on the pads and playing for the big time? What if I threw so hard I broke a receiver's wrist? What if I stiff-armed a defender and his jaw exploded into a bloody mist? And do football pants have cargo pockets? (I need to have a guitar pick handy should the mood strike, at all times.)

You check the tape of that game and tell me how I did.

December 30

Humanitarian Bowl - Idaho v. Bowling Green

FUCK. I really can't take much more of this unranked team QB hair. Sheehan, you know they're gonna give you a helmet, right? You don't need your hair to act as a protective layer. Enderle and Idaho get the nod plus a point, but I'm not happy about it.

Holiday Bowl - Arizona v. Nebraska
See, now we have two talented, top 25 teams with QB hair that could move mountains. I honestly don't know who to pick here, and according to the spread, neither does Vegas. It's a little unorthodox, but I'm gonna pick Arizona here because Zac was the name of some Francis Ford Broppola who gave me some shit at a restaurant and forced me to cold-cock him. Look, dude, there's no sign saying I have to give up the Skee-Ball machine to the next guy waiting, so I'll be here until I run out of quarters. And Handsome Steve ALWAYS has quarters.

Handsome Steve's record is currently 4-7-1.

breakfast time, 12/30/09

2009-12-30T12:14:00.003-05:00

- there are a few things in this world that are horrible for you to eat in large quantities but, fortunately, naturally occur in a form that makes it difficult to eat large quantities. reese's cups are an excellent example of this phenomenon.

pistachios fall into this category as well, as it's widely known that 8 pistachios contain 4600 calories. for this reason it takes a good bit of effort to open this delightful treat. if you sit down and tear through a whole bag of pistachios, you have fingernails of steel and a sheer force of will i can't even comprehend.

but Trader Joe's has gone and fucked all that up, because now they sell bags of shelled pistachios. why don't you just sell butter on a popsicle stick? you've ruined me!!

- i saw a man on the subway today wearing a Did You Hear About The Morgans jacket and a The Corruptor hat. the logical conclusion is that he works in the film industry in some capacity. that is also the boring conclusion. i prefer to think he insists on only wearing clothing swag from shitty movies. in my mind, this man also owns:

Battlefield Earth overalls
A Corky Romano calculator watch
Daddy Day Camp booty shorts
Gigli sweater vest
A belt buckle with Larry the Cable Guy on it

- speaking of movies, i realized the other day that we as a society have failed to identify and castigate properly the laziest actor in hollywood. that actor is hugh grant. not only does he play the same character in every movie he's ever in, but i'm REASONABLY certain that character is just hugh grant being himself.

of course, when i brought this up to my friend kim, she told me that mr. grant should be praised for achieving fame and fortune so easily. where other actors have to stretch and branch out in different dramatic directions, hugh can just be himself and audiences will eat it up.

kim should not be a career counselor.

- i would be lying if i said part of me (a very sad and twisted part) did not admire this record-setting woman.

- SkyMall item of the day:

I cannot think of anything I've ever seen on the SkyMall site that I want to buy more than this.

(But only if you promise me I get to play Mountain Climber.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 29

2009-12-29T15:50:00.006-05:00

Damn kids, almost missed deadline here. Had an appointment to get my eyebrows done at Pretty Nails II. Fortunately, what Ling Ling* lacks in timeliness she makes up for in skill.

I mean, what's the point of driving around in my Scion with my shirt 7/8 unbuttoned if my brows are gonna be blowing up my game? You know your boy don't even mess around like that.

*Editor's note: We have since learned that Handsome Steve's eyebrow-threader is a Thai woman named Lawan. Not "Ling Ling." She's not a goddamned panda.

December 29

Eaglebank Bowl - UCLA v. Temple
It really annoys me that bowl season is all mixed up now - it used to be the shittiest teams played earliest, with quality steadily improving up to the big-time bowls. Now it's nearly the end of December and LOOK AT THIS AWFUL HAIR WE'RE STUCK WITH. Temple's getting the nod here for two reasons: one, I'm not sure how great a head of hair someone named "Vaughn" can ever achieve, so this could have been much worse, and, two, Kevin Prince looks like he just asked his manager at the Yorba Linda Lowe's for an extra shift. Temple plus 4.

Champs Sports Bowl - Wisconsin v. Miami
Some improvement here, definitely. You can tell neither of these guys lets things get out of control on the field or in the barber chair. But the tight cuts make me wonder if these guys are TOO high strung. If there were only some way to tell which of these quarterbacks is truly fly and not just fly-looking...

Look me in the eye and tell me you're comfortable betting against a man in a Louis V ascot. Can't do it, can you? Miami minus 6.5

Handsome Steve's record is currently 4-5-1.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 28

2009-12-28T15:25:00.007-05:00

Yeah, I know, I didn't get in a pick for the Music City Bowl.

Dudes. I was distraught. My precious Gator football world was torn asunder. I mean, I punched through a damn window when we lost to Auburn once. Can you imagine how anguished the thought of losing the Urbanator left Handsome Steve? Anguished as shit!

Maybe you're thinking, "But Handsome, you don't feel sadness. Sadness is an emotion only fatties and runners-up feel." Wrong, Brothello. I've learned that there aren't enough lat pulldowns in the world to insulate you from the pain of losing a good woman, a good coach, or a good longboard session. I'm telling you, I nail that kickflip every time you're not watching.

December 28

Independence Bowl - Georgia v. Texas A&M

Wow. Joe Cox should never be photographed without his helmet on again, unless he's auditioning for some white supremacist remake of Problem Child. He's like some sort of unholy cross between Popeye and Raggedy Andy. How is Texas A&M only getting 4 points in this game? That hair is 3-touchdown-loss bad. Get it done, Johnson.

Handsome Steve's record is 4-4-1.

breakfast time, 12/28/09

2009-12-28T12:13:00.004-05:00

- BREAKING: Urban Meyer's Health Switcheroo Explained!

- Enjoyed a nice little holiday break with the folks in Tampa. Mom set the mood nicely with this opening conversation on the drive back from the airport.

Mom: "I read in the paper the other day that hot dogs are one of the worst meats you can eat, healthwise."
Dad: "Well, what about turkey dogs? Those are pretty healthy."
Mom: "I don't like turkey dogs. They taste squeaky."

Well ok then.

- I guarantee you, if this had happened in a Winn-Dixie, the manager would have beaten the deer to death with a two-foot summer sausage and then told the seafood guys to label it as "Fresh Grouper - $17.99 per pound."

- Tip of the Day from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

Marketing the Station Wagon

Many estates have place names instead of street numbers. In that case it is perfectly proper to have the name of the estate and its address, if you wish, on the front doors of the wagon, just below the windows or in the panel beneath them. This lettering usually matches or blends with the color trim of the station wagon or is of the colors favored by the estate or farm. Usually the lettering is outlined in gold paint or in black, to make for better visibility. Whatever appears should be in modest-size lettering and kept simple. Use capitals instead of quotes and, preferably, avoid any, probably coy, illustrations.

(I have absolutely no idea what this entry is about. Apparently at one point classy people had their addresses stenciled on their station wagon doors. Of course.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 26

2009-12-26T11:53:00.006-05:00

oof.

woke up yesterday, came downstairs, and poured myself a nice tall glass of gentleman jack. dad looks at me and says "son, you can't drink on christmas morning." that sounds like a bet to me, dad, and handsome steve NEVER backs down from a bet.

but i'll shake this off and get us all right back in the winner's circle. it's just like the time i nearly got picked for price is right. apparently barker exercised his veto - probably worried I'd steal the beauties from him. old bitch.

December 26

Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl - Ohio v. MarshallCorrect me if I'm wrong but, um, that quarterback on the right is balding, isn't he? Come on dude. Either Bic that shit or grow it out and disguise it. This in between makes you look like a laid off driver's ed teacher. Ohio covers the 4 points here.

Meineke Car Care Bowl - Pittsburgh v. North Carolina

Yeesh. I hate picking between quarterbacks with near-mirror-image hair. Especially when that hair is boring and dumb. Fuck it, I'm just gonna flip my car keys. Beemer logo up, I go with Pitt, Handsome Steve's face up, I go with UNC.

(flips)

UNC plus 2 points it is. Come on, did you really think fate would allow this face to be hidden? Player please.

Emerald Bowl - Boston College v. Southern California

Now this is a hair battle I can get on board with! You can tell this is a sign bowl season is about to get really good. Just look at these dudes! Hair you can follow into the trenches. Hair that inspires you to give 110%. Hair you would give your life to protect. I'm getting a little misty over here.

But only one can emerge victorious. While I applaud Shinskie on his do, Barkley's coiffure has a certain "oh hey girl, you spent the night?" essence that I can really, really relate to. Take the Trojans minus the seven points.

Handsome Steve's current record is 3-3.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Hawaii Bowl

2009-12-24T18:53:00.006-05:00

Well, shit. I guess it's true that if hair alone won the game, we wouldn't bother playing it. Goddammit Cal. How do you lose to that hedgehog-man of a q? Almost makes me mad enough to skip my squat thrust routine at the gym tonight.

Almost.

December 24

Hawaii Bowl - SMU v. Nevada

This is actually a little bit of a toughie. My gut says Padron has the greatest hair potential between the two, but my experience suggests to me Kaepernick is the more reliable of the two. Hair-wise, of course. So do you go with the potential 10 who could disappoint you or the solid 7? This is a dilemma I've faced in my personal life many a time, I can assure you. But in the world of betting, the threesome is not an option.

Hesitantly, I'm going to go with the sturdy if unspectacular hair of Nevada. No clue if that hair is good enough to cover the 13 point spread, but I'm hoping the humidity of the tropics fucks with Padron's do something awful.

Merry Christmas, snitches.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Poinsettia Bowl

2009-12-23T19:42:00.002-05:00

Well, Oregon State really let my winning streak down last night. But if there are two things Handsome Steve is not, it's a quitter and a fatty. 3-1 is nothing to be ashamed of, and you better believe I'm ready to get back to making you C-A-S-H.

Oh, and real quick - lotta people are looking for last minute Christmas gifts that will really knock someone's socks off. Let me wholeheartedly recommend to you "All About Steve" on DVD. I have no idea who's in it or what it's about or if it's porno, but the title is brilliant, so how could the rest suck?

December 23

Poinsettia Bowl - Cal v. Utah

Sometimes, a lot of thought has to go in a QB hair comparison. There's no one style that screams winner, and a look that one guy can rock another guy might not be even close to pulling off. You really have to consider - is this the best hair QB1 can have? Is this the best hair the team can line up behind center. Many times, it's just not an easy call.

This is not one of those times. I present to you Utah quarterback Jordan Wynn.

Thank you, but no. Take Cal minus the 2.5.

putting it on the record

2009-12-22T15:56:00.000-05:00

His Handsomeness is taking Oregon State tonie. And no beaver comments, please. A gentleman calls it trim. (Ed. Note - No, he doesn't.)

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Orleans Bowl

2009-12-20T10:59:00.006-05:00

Yes, put 5,000 in bonds and 3,000 in short-term...oh, sorry, didn't see you there. Just busy investing my BOWL WINNINGS BITCH. Handsome Steve is 2-0 and looking to continue the tradition of excellence. Stick with me and you'll soon be able to change your business cards to "Professional Panty Dropper."

Lotta people look at my success and say picking bowl winners based simply on quarterback hair isn't work. Let me tell you something, youngblood. Quarterback hair is a helluva thing to predict. It's one thing to see hair in practice with the red jersey on. It's another thing to determine how hair will hold up in the heat of the battle. Seen too many great heads of hair fold under the pressure. It's a shame, but that's what separates legends (yours truly) from lamewads (your dad).

December 20

New Orleans Bowl - Southern Mississippi v. Middle Tennessee State

Look, I'll confess - Handsome Steve's expertise does not extend perfectly into "ethnic hair." That includes white dudes with dreads. Growing up in West Virginia, Mom always told me that there are three things you can never trust: childless Italian women, a quarterback with a thin moustache, and (Editor's note - we chose to redact this last item as it was equal parts incredibly confusing and racist. The management of this blog believes you can, in fact, trust a Chinese child with a pickle jar, flip-flops, and a 9-volt battery. Or at least we're not sure why exactly you can't trust them.)

Now rumor has it that Handsome Mom had a bad fling with Jeff Hostetler back in the day, so that may explain her distrust of the skinny 'stache. But that doesn't mean I won't listen to my mother, dammit. Middle Tennessee and the six points it is.

a sad epiphany

2009-12-18T07:07:00.002-05:00

growing older necessarily means letting go of certain dreams and aspirations that are revealed to be illogical. for instance, i once thought at 8 years old that i would be a starting nba point guard. then i realized that i wasn't tall or fast and i didn't have any "basketball ability." that wasn't hard to get over, though, because it's easy enough to blame genetics or your parents for failing to push you into sports with almost criminal zeal. thanks a lot for accepting me for who i am, you jerks. WE COULDA BEEN ROLLIN' WITH HOVA RIGHT NOW, MOM.

however, i can't use that excuse for this latest realization. you are undoubtedly familiar with the concept of a "chosen one" - a common archetype that appears in religion and fiction and occasionally even politics (yes i do mean foxy senator jeanne shaheen). the nice thing about being the chosen one is you don't really have to work at it or earn it. you just ARE the chosen one. and you may not realize it until some wizened old archaeology professor reveals the truth to you!

but, well, nobody really becomes the chosen one after a certain age. the next great prophet isn't going to be found playing cribbage on a tuesday afternoon at Denny's. that's just crazy.

what that means is, every day, as i get older, it becomes less and less likely that i am, in fact, the savior of humanity. at this point i would just take minor superhero. but i feel that's not gonna happen either.

dammit.

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Mexico Bowl & St. Petersburg Bowl

2009-12-15T21:22:00.008-05:00

What's up, snitches, it's your main Broviraptor Handsome Steve here back with some college bowl picks guaranteed to have you rolling in dough McDuck style.

I'll be straight up with you. Last season I let y'all down a bit with th

ese. But the truth is, there's only so much Steve to go around. (Trust me, ladies, it's still a LOT of Steve. Even flaccid. Which I rarely am.)

So this year, fuck all the stats and the records and the position battles. FUCK IT. As a lifelong champion of all things football, I can tell you the only stat that matters is Wins, and there's only one way to win:

With one sweet fucking head of quarterback hair.

So let's do this - all games will be picked solely based on which quarterback is rocking superior locks. I recommend laying four to five large on each game, but I understand if you gotta cut that back. Bad economies tend to hit the less-handsome harder, from what I'm told.

December 19

New Mexico Bowl - Fresno State v. Wyoming

I know, I know, not much to work with here. But hey, there's a reason these guys are playing in a pre-Christmas bowl, you feel me? Colburn's rocking that David Carr fade, and, while I appreciate keeping that Fresno State tradition alive, the face framing is all wrong with the weak little goat. Bowl game is time to play, youngblood, and you look like you're trying to get a handjob at Homecoming. My man Austyn C-S, on the other hand, is sporting a sweet shade of blond there. Unfortunately he's rocking it like a newborn duck. Who to pick?

In the end, I gotta go with Wyoming. Both of these haircuts are underwhelming the piss out of me, but Austyn's coif just screams potential. Take Wyoming and the 11 points.

St. Petersburg Bowl - UCF v. Rutgers

I can already see those wheels spinning in your brains, faithful readers. You think I'm gonna pick Brett cause he's rocking the dirty-but-carefully-crafted-length Steve-o style, aren't you?

WRONG. See how he's gotta brush it to the side? That means trouble. You want that hair to just fall naturally - otherwise it's bound to obstruct your vision during a key 3rd down or dance-off. Savage may be going a bit more businesslike, but I respect that.

Plus Savage is a Freshman, and Freshman gotta earn nice hair. Rutgers will cover the 3 they're giving, dawg.

profiles in sadness

2009-12-14T16:05:00.003-05:00

well, it's been over a week since the gators crapped the bed in the SEC championship, so if you're a florida fan and you're still sad, you need to get over it. bummed-out florida fans will not be appearing in this inaugural edition of

Profiles In Sadness

4th Saddest Person of the Week: Me. On Saturday morning I woke up and poured myself a bowl of cereal. Like every responsible adult, I first checked to make sure I had plenty of milk for said cereal. Having confirmed that crucial piece of the breakfast puzzle, I went to get a spoon - only to discover they were all in the then-running dishwasher. This left me with two options:

1. Wait it out and let the cereal get soggy as shit.
2. Improvise

In this case, "improvise" meant "eat the cereal with a measuring tablespoon." My inability to use this tool for such a task was exceeded only by the pitiful sight I must have presented.

3rd Saddest Person of the Week: The infamous Katherine, who, desperate for something to entertain her as she worked on a paper Saturday night, watched "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause" in its entirety. She insisted that nothing else was on.

This movie aired on ABC Family at 8pm Saturday. Here were Katherine's other options at that time.

Gangs of New York on IFC
The Bourne Supremacy on TNT
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS
Paula Deen's Cookie Swap on the Food Network

You know what's sadder than watching all of The Santa Clause 3? LYING ABOUT WHY.

2nd Saddest Person of the Week: Auburn fans. Seriously, they were probably almost as pissed as Florida fans about 'Bama's win, and then they had to turn around and see Mark Ingram win the Heisman.

You have to understand. Alabama is unique, because there's Auburn-Alabama football and THAT'S IT. No pro teams to root for. No interesting cultural events to attend. Alabama is so boring that Mississippi casinos run ads in the state with the following tag line:

I know you may not believe it, but yes, that woman is considered a "real player" in Alabama.

Saddest Person of the Week: Lia's boyfriend, Giancarlo. Because he doesn't even realize what he just signed himself up for.

me: question

giancarlo: Yes

me: how many cans of corn do you think you could eat in a 24 hour period

giancarlo: I could honestly say over 12

giancarlo: dead serious

giancarlo: I love that shit
me: we're going to test that at some point. just so you know.

breakfast time, 12/11/09

2009-12-11T10:38:00.003-05:00

- you know what's really had a precipitous decline from greatness? mythbusters. yes, it still has some great explosions, and yes, kari byron is still a stone cold fox, and yes, i'm still convinced jamie's beret is a permanent part of his body and not an accessory. but the show has completely meandered from "hey, is that well-known belief actually true?" to "this one crazy guy on the corner told us he ate a hard-boiled egg and pooped out a live baby chick!"

by way of example, here are some of the myths tested in season 1:

Will using a cell phone near a gas pump cause an explosion?
Can a person be electrocuted by urinating on the third rail?
Will a penny dropped from the Empire State building kill a person?

and here are some from the 2009 season:

Could a skydiver whose parachute failed to open hit a playground seesaw and send a small girl flying seven stories high? And would she survive?
Can cheese fired from a cannon pierce a sail?
Can a person swim faster in syrup than in water?

ridiculous. i understand that there are only so many common, testable myths, but really. fortunately i have a solution: start incorporating exotic asian myths. this will work because you can just make up whatever you want! "tonight on mythbusters - can a panda kick a ninja star back at its attacker?"

- i completely left out one important group from the basketball fans. how is that possible, given that i covered all 4 teams playing that night? easy - 2 people showed up fully decked out in bright kentucky wildcat blue.

normally that drives me insane. if i go watch, i dunno, stanford v. cal football, i'm not gonna show up in my gators gear. it's just unnecessarily dick. but with kentucky basketball fans, it seems almost natural. like they didn't even put thought into it. their brains are just wired such that they'll wear kentucky gear to ANYTHING basketball. nba playoff game? wildcats tee. son's high school basketball team dinner? jamal mashburn jersey. charity donkey basketball event? uk striped bib.

- Tampa, Florida: where you call 911 to report a 12 foot burmese python in your yard, and they tell you to screw off and just chop its head off with a shovel. God helps those who help themselves!

- SkyMall item of the Day: Not only do I nominate this for Most Misleadingly Titled SkyMall Item Ever, I preemptively proclaim it the winner. Dickbags.

here comes the hotstepper

2009-12-09T14:26:00.002-05:00

(that headline has nothing to do with this article, but i think ini kamoze can use the publicity. because that's what this blog generates, you see.)

roommate and i went to madison square garden last night to see the jimmy v classic, featuring a doubleheader of georgetown v. butler and pitt v. indiana. i don't have any particular rooting interests for any of these teams, other than the fact that i bought a sweet georgetown iverson jersey in 8th grade, but it's always nice to enjoy some college hoop when the opportunity arises.

inadvertently, i also got to learn a lot about fans of these schools.

Butler Fans - Didn't see many of you here, so I'm not sure you exist. In fairness, it can't be a lot of fun to root for a team with this dude as one of your marquee players. I saw his starting position listed as "G/F" and pondered whether that stood for girlfriend.

Pitt Fans - Well, um, the women were handsomer than the men? I guess that's good?

Indiana Fans - Truly impressive. Came out in droves, screamed like nuts, rarely let up. And it's not like you all are bandwagoners either, because this team came in 4-4 and probably wasn't expected to win. So nice work.

Georgetown Fans - Oh boy. I mean, this tale (maybe) isn't representative of you all as a whole, but we were sitting behind a group of male Hoya fans in their 40s and next to a group of Indiana girls, none of whom looked older than 23. One of the Georgetown guys decides he's gonna try to...well, I have no idea what he intends to achieve. But during breaks in the action he keeps looking back at the girls and going "Yeah! Get Wild!!" They, understandably, ignore him. I have no idea if these girls are shallow, but it probably didn't help that this man was 1. flabby 2. balding and 3. in possession of some oddly large gums, gums so large it appeared he was incapable of closing his mouth all the way.

Gums O'Creepymouth gets up to go get some more beer, and, as he passes the IU girl seated directly next to me, he turns, looks her dead in the eye, and says "Looking real sexy." She happens to be eating a hot dog at that moment, which really adds to the perv factor. Horrified, the girl nearly gags on the dog and spills mustard all over her pants and purse. She is equal parts pissed and mortified. Fortunately, Gums figures out he's out of clever lines and doesn't really keep after them.

In conclusion, that's what I assume all Georgetown fans are like.

breakfast time, 12/08/09

2009-12-08T08:50:00.004-05:00

- ah, winter in the north. nothing like a sunset at 4:30 to make you want to crawl into a garbage dumpster and eat discarded pizza crusts until spring shows up. some people think winter is romantic, what with the snow and the caroling and the multicolored scarves. those people can have this godforsaken season; i will continue to support NASA research into human hibernation.

fortunately i can amuse myself in a variety of fulfilling and productive ways. for instance, today i took some famous rap lyrics, translated them online into turkish, and then re-translated them into english, just to see how screwed up the results would be.

I just have to thank God morning awakening
I do not know but today seems kind of strange
No dogs come to bark, no smog
No mama cooked breakfast and a pig

(I never understood why part of Cube's good day involved breakfast without pork.)

- much has been made of luke wilson's robustness in his recent at&t ads, a difference made especially stark when i saw those ads during the commercial breaks for one of his old movies, idiocracy. let's go to the tape:

l. wilson, circa 2006

l. wilson, circa 2009

vince vaughn and i sympathize.

- christmas is coming, and that means getting nagged by your family about why you aren't married and raising kids yet. (if you are married and raising kids, disregard. and don't let your kids run around screaming at a restaurant. jesus.) so that sucks. it used to be that my parents were PROUD i hadn't knocked someone up. at what point did that success turn into failure?

fortunately, we can strike back at those child-having twentysomethings who are fucking it up for the rest of us. how you ask?

buy their kids harmonicas for the holidays. a child with a harmonica is an ABSOLUTE TERROR. just that incessant heeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaw-heeeeeeeeee. and the kid is never going to bother to learn how to play well. he'll just HEEEEE all around the house like a berserk steam engine from hell. that'll teach you, parents.

- SkyMall Item of the Day: alternatively, for a little more scratch, you can buy the kid a bazooka that shoots marshmallows. there's no way a kid won't use this shit in the house, because they figure, hey, how much harm can a freaking marshmallow cause?

parents, when you find your house infested with ants scavenging for the sugary ammunition scattered all over the place, you'll know exactly how much harm.

the following is some true shit

2009-12-03T23:42:00.002-05:00

fancy world explorer that i am, i was discussing with my sister a future trip to paris i have planned. she insists there's some restaurant i need to visit, though of course she cannot remember the name. before i launch into the conversation we had, let me preface thusly: my sister is very bright and very sharp. generally.

leah: it's near some sort of famous metro stop, but i forget which one it is. i think it might be named after some noteworthy french person.

me: charles de gaulle?

leah: who's that?

me: he was president of france during world war II.

leah: mmm could be that. is there some american actor with the same name?

me: um no. are you sure that was it?

leah: maybe not. there was another station called "military e. coli" or something.

me: that's l'ecole militaire. it means military school.

leah: oh. well it's one of those two. i think.

(four days pass)

leah: oh, you remember that actor i was trying to remember? it was steven seagal.

there is nothing i don't love about this picture

2009-12-01T10:37:00.002-05:00

HOLY SHIT I'M IN SPACE Y'ALL

2009-11-24T19:22:00.004-05:00

that's right. my fancy ass is blogging from the mothafuckin' troposphere. here are some observations you probably don't care about.

- i understand the booze-on-a-plane thing for longish flights. but this is a direct flight from jfk to tampa. it's like 3 and a half hours. did you really need those two mini bottles of skyy and a fresca with which to mix them, old lady two rows up?*

- the menfolk at my office seem to be embracing a green trend at the urinals, in that they do not flush. i could not decide if i was ok with this or not (my gut said no) until i remembered the lessons of high school chemistry class. namely, the "always add acid" rule. this is the rule that tells you, when mixing something with an acid, pour the acid in second because it will go to the bottom; if the acid is in the beaker or whatever first, you risk splashing it when you add something.

therefore, if we think of the stranger-pee in the urinal as acid, were i to use the urinal when it is in a non-flushed state, i risk splashing STRANGER-PEE on myself.** and that is not going to happen. certainly not for free.

- the lady sitting next to me only speaks french. she picked up the skymall magazine and started leafing through it, pausing at all the really weird and perplexing shit. but then i realized it must be even MORE perplexing to her because she can't even read the explanations! that must be trippy as hell. she has to look at this and wonder, "wait, is that a tiny door to something? does it take to you a mystical land of enchantment and splendor?"

no, liver-spotted french lady, it does not. it's just shitty garden decor. now go be racist.

- football thought alert! so, the internet basically crucified LSU coach les miles for calling for a spike (and then claiming afterwards he did no such thing) with 1 second left in the game last weekend when a field goal would have completed a miracle comeback over Ole' Miss. BUT -- LSU was only down because they failed to convert a 2 point attempt that would have tied the game. why does this interest me?

LSU scored the potentially tying touchdown and then went for 2, missing but drawing a pass interference call. that put the ball at the 1 yard line, not the 2. so LSU tried a pass again, which failed again.

is it just me, or do you hardly ever see anyone call a designed run on the two point attempt? it's ALWAYS a pass. this makes no sense. if you had a 4th and 2 you had to convert, you wouldn't just automatically pass. LSU had the equivalent of 4th and 1 on the goal line to tie the game and elected to pass. and nobody blinked an eye.***

* i have a theory on this. she was playing sudoku and looked bored, so maybe she figured if she got a little tipsy her dollar store sudoku book would be a bit more of a challenge. this theory is undermined somewhat by the fact that she passed out instead.

** part of being a grown man is accepting the reality that, yes, you will get your own pee on yourself at some point. just get over it.

*** granted, LSU had done nothing of any worth on the ground (or even really tried to), but my general question remains: why don't more teams go for two with the running game?

omegle returns, or, really, i'm a grown man with a job

2009-11-19T11:52:00.003-05:00

Stranger: hi

You: hello

Stranger: asl

You: 15/robot/robot slave farm

Stranger: fuck off

You: GIVE US FREE

Stranger: are u on face book

You: robot master only allows robot to use myspace and j date

Stranger: which country

You: roboguay

Stranger: wanna cyber?

You: tru

Stranger: m or f?

You: f

Stranger: sweet :DF

You: ok so we're riding bikes together in the forest

Stranger: :D

Stranger: i see a lake, with a small beach

Stranger: so i call you over

You: then i tell you it's really hard to ride a bike on the sand

You: but i try anyways

You: and i fall

Stranger: i run over to you

Stranger: to make sure youre allright

You: it really hurts

You: all up in my boobs

Stranger: "want me to massage them for you?"

Stranger: i ask

You: :: ALIEN CHESTBURSTER ATTACK ::

You: you die

Stranger: hi

You: hello

Stranger: as;

Stranger: asl*

You: 25/f/scotland

You: do you like sports?

Stranger: ya

You: what sports do you like

Stranger: hockey football and lacrosse

You: ew boy sports

You: i only like girl sports

You: like gymnastics

You: or hairdressing

You: or shitty basketball

breakfast time, 11/17/09

2009-11-17T10:20:00.002-05:00

- courtesy of the infamous rackastic: tampa man is approached by greek orthodox priest in his vestments. tampa man proceeds to clock priest with a tire iron, chase him for three blocks, and call 911 claiming priest is a terrorist. oh, tampa man also says terrorist priest wanted tampa man to suck his dick. of course.

- you go to atlantic city expecting to see weird and uncomfortable shit, but nothing was as off-putting to me as the seven year old boy in the men's room using the urinal and just looking CASUAL AS HELL about it. no. you don't prop your arm up like you had a long day at the gravel pit, lil' dawg. you're seven. if you get more pee in the urinal than on your person, it's a major victory. act your age.

- jesus. did 60,000 people really take the LSAT in september? are you all that bored? or do you just feel like you need a little debt you can never be rid of to spice things up?

- SkyMall Item of the Day: how many times have you been driving in your car, eager to tear into a piping hot open-faced turkey sandwich covered in gravy? let's be conservative and say 1000 times. and i bet many of those times you said, "well, i don't have that lead apron they give you when you're getting an x-ray taken, so i better hold off lest i soak my chinos in gristle."

skymall hears your cries, friend.

rantings of a long island prisoner

2009-11-11T22:36:00.004-05:00

maybe it's the fact that i was stuck working in hicksville (actual town name), long island until 10:30 last night, but i feel it's very important that you all know the following RIGHT NOW.

- on the subway today, people were holding the doors open to let stragglers in. though this is discouraged by the transit authority, it is common, and i will confess to having committed this sin on occasion. the subway operators usually stick to a canned script about "please do not hold the doors blah blah" but not tonight! tonight she decided to inform my fellow passengers and me that "when you hold the doors, you just make everyone get home later."

that's technically true. but, by the very act of blocking the doors and not permitting the train to depart, people are demonstrating that they are not greatly influenced by the shame of delaying less-tardy subway riders. so this plea is falling on deaf ears.

what i think she should have said was "passengers: when people hold the train doors, they are indicating that they don't give a damn about your schedule. they think they're more important than you are. teach them some damn manners and beat some ass."

so then i daydreamed for the rest of the ride about a full-on brawl in a moving subway car. (in case you're wondering, i think the best strategy is to go for a judo approach and use the attacker's momentum against him or her. maybe let them throw a punch and then direct them, headfirst, into a pole.)

- a friend of mine - we'll call her Racktastic, because it's one of the better nicknames I've ever bestowed upon someone - insisted that she wouldn't be a phone sex operator because it probably didn't pay enough. after i effectively lawya'd her argument to pieces, she conceded she had no idea what phone sex operators make and would have to investigate.

i of course promptly forgot about this conversation. that is, until i woke up the next morning after a good night of fundrinkery and saw i had an email from Racktastic, subject line "Phone Sex."

um, Racktastic is married. and not "married and looking" married. so you can imagine my terror at that moment. i didn't remember propositioning Racktastic, or anyone else for that matter, for phone sex that night. but one never knows when a weird, House-style neurological affliction may strike!

the e-mail, of course, was just Racktastic reporting in on her research into phone sex operator pay. apparently $10 to $25 an hour is not unheard of! so, Racktastic's husband, i apologize ahead of time for your wife's sudden change of career path.

- it is extremely annoying to me when people say "cheers" to mean "goodbye." if you're british, or at least can fake a good british accent, i guess that's one thing. otherwise, i'm just going to start saying things like "bon appetit" in place of "you're welcome."

- as you can probably guess, long island is terrible. i had two completely separate michigan natives comment to me that long island was gross and poorly laid out and visually miserable. it's not like these people were from hawaii or brazil or someplace great and dazzling. but they are both absolutely correct...

...except that i spotted a Q-ZAR in long island. (i won't link to the website because it blares house music at you, and you don't need that in your life.) laser tag can make anything better. even crap-ass long island.

this brings the worthwhile things about long island to a grand total of 4: q-zar, soledad o'brien, dr. j, and telly savalas.

out of office

2009-11-06T08:01:00.002-05:00

no ms paint brilliance today, but feel free to get down with your bad self while i'm out. i won't tell.

yes you can!

2009-11-05T11:26:00.007-05:00

Dear Teabaggers (at least I think that's what you call yourselves),

It's come to my attention that you've fallen out of the media spotlight a bit lately, and, if you don't shake things up a bit, you're destined to fade away entirely. Now, I don't happen to support your political agenda, but I think a vocal political opposition is perfectly healthy for our democracy, so I'm gonna help you out.

Frankly, you need to jazz up your signage. For a while you were pretty sizzlin', comparing Obama to Hitler and the USSR and all that good shit. Unfortunately, it didn't really seem to bother the President, and that's what you need to do - fluster him a little. The key is to get on all of Obama's personal shit and deliver the perfect burn.

As an expert in burnage, I'm happy to help. Here are but a few samples.

1. Flip the Kanye Script

You might recall President Obama describing Kanye West as a jackass for ruining Taylor Swift's MTV Music Award win. But, I ask you, how many platinum records has Obama got? Did Obama produce H to the Izzo? Quit clownin, prez.

2. Mock his B-Ball Skills

It's no secret that our president loves roundball. Dude probably plays nearly every day. Now you could make a sign about how he'd be better off spending more time fixing the economy and less time perfecting his crossover...

...or you could make this dope-ass sign. Get outta Queen B's house, Obama!

3. Who Bowls a 37?

Seriously. That was pathetic. Don't let the American people forget this travesty. I say five gutter balls in a row should be an impeachable offense.

4. Entourage Sucks

And yet the President claims to LOVE this show. It isn't good, and we all know it. If you disagree, well, why don't you just move to Norway with your life partner and grow meth plants?

5. Full House > White House

Speaks for itself. Bonus points if you can attach a talkboy that says "You're in big trouble, mister!"

With signs like these, you'll be plastered all over HuffPo and the Times just like you used to be.

Sincerely,

Ryan

this is why intraconference dating is a bad idea

2009-11-04T12:50:00.001-05:00

kaitlin: cause i feel like terrifying you

https://web.dii.utk.edu/utstore/pc-2405-1940-bride-and-groom-cake-topper.aspx

me: hey well i guess it's time for me to go get lunch! might be gone awhile! like a year or so!

me:i return your freakout

with this

http://gatorzone.teamfanshop.com/COLLEGE_Florida_Gators_Home_Office_And_School/Florida_Gators_Team_Baby_Nursery_Wall_Border

kaitlin: touche sir

touche
also nothing coming out of my womb will ever live in such a room.
me: that rhymed!

breakfast time, 11/4/09

2009-11-04T10:32:00.004-05:00

(of course mussels are a breakfast food. don't be ridiculous.)

- florida media: how can you write a story with the headline "Nude Guy Covered in Feces Nabbed" and NEVER ONCE explain why he's covered in said feces? it's like you don't even get me a little.

- i think we all agree that frozen waffles, especially eggos, are delightful and a perfectly acceptable alternative to fresh made waffles. but why is it that frozen pancakes - and trust me on this if you've never had them - are just gawdawful? science, you better get your shit together.

- this cnn.com article that you shouldn't read is entitled "3 Steps to a Better Retirement." steps 1 and 2 are save money and work longer. some game-changing advice there. i'll stick to my own three step plan, thank you:

1. make sex tape with batman
2. blackmail batman for millions
3. retire

- SkyMall item of the Day: Good lord. Just when I think we cannot get any lazier. That's too depressing to be the item of the day, so let's try again.

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. I like that it's specifically designed to "impress in any grand hall." Do people who own homes with a grand hall shop on SkyMall? I know, I shouldn't doubt the SkyMall marketing team. I just wonder sometimes, that's all.

snuggie, the blanket with sleeves and hate!

2009-11-03T17:09:00.004-05:00

ahem.

below are three commercials for the snuggie. watch em, don't watch em, that's up to you, but i've gone over these painstakingly, and you know what they're missing? a single minority wearing the snuggie. apparently white folk are more than welcome to use the snuggie for anything - reading, making s'mores, watching an outdoor sporting event, even raising the damn roof.

wonder why that is? i'm sure it's just a coincidence. it's not like the snuggie reminds me of anythin...wait a damn second.

you racist-ass motherfuckers.

election day

2009-11-03T10:47:00.003-05:00

of course it would be the green party candidate for city council leaving more leaflets in my entryway than all the other candidates combined. dipshit.

breakfast time, 11/2/09

2009-11-02T11:51:00.003-05:00

look, i know. i'm more of a deadbeat than dermot mulroney in angels in the oufield. but the angels didn't win the damn pennant this year, now DID THEY?

- speaking of baseball, this world series matchup is just pure misery for me as a half-ass mets fan. until now i have mostly been rooting for some sort of Exodus style series of plagues (fact: joe girardi is terrified of frogs). that is, until saturday night.

at a bar for halloween, the game happened to be on, and a drunken sailor girl happened to be screaming at the tv, in support of philadelphia. after the yankees won, she turned to a chalkboard in the bar that had "Go Yankees!" written on it. mischief was afoot, gentle reader!

she crossed out "Yankees" with one line and wrote "Phlis" above it (sic). then she paused, tapped her cheek thoughtfully, and, recognizing an error, went back to make a correction. by adding another L. and that's it.

so no, i shan't be rooting for the "phllis."

- this is just a shocking, shocking news article. only THREE cases? i think this proves the tennessee police force is on the take.

- below: a skeleton band performing at the white house halloween party. they must be recipients of obamacare AMIRITEHELLYEAHGITERDONE.

- SkyMall item of the day: So this is a clock that has a motion-activated camera in it. Stupid, right? Certainly not worth one hundred and thirty of your hard-earned dollars.

But, um, look at the picture in the inset. Yup, that's a man who appears to be shaking a baby. What is unclear to me is whether the clock is capturing him in a nefarious act or whether he's shaking the baby just to activate the clock's motion sensor. What is VERY clear to me is that this is possibly the most fucked-up thing I've seen on SkyMall.

are you ready for some football/dry heaving?

2009-10-21T17:35:00.003-04:00

here's a delightful little quote from a recent espn.com article about michael vick (emphasis mine):

"When Vick came to town, Reid said he envisioned an entire offensive package with Vick running Reid's version of the Wildcat formation, called the "Spread Eagle."

ahem. below is a picture of coach andy reid.

if we could just never use his name and "spread eagle" in the same sentence again, that would be wonderful. thanks.

no appreciation!

2009-10-21T12:37:00.002-04:00

i like to think of myself as a generous person, but i have my limits. for instance, i'm not in the business of just giving away expensive purebreed puppies, no matter how badly someone wants one. and even if i did have the wherewithal to do so i'd probably tell that someone to go to the pound and save a dog who will otherwise be put down. (i'm reasonably certain this is what the Wham! "Choose Life" shirts were referencing.)

so when lia begged and begged for a brand new french bulldog of her very own, i tried to do the next best thing. and did i get any thanks or gratitude for it? OF FUCKING COURSE NOT.

what a dick.

not trapped in a thai prison = successful vacation

2009-10-14T13:18:00.003-04:00

yes, i know you were all terribly worried about me - traipsing around siam and such is a dangerous adventure, especially for a gentleman of my esteemed status. but somehow i muddled my way through, thanks to some adept pointing and grunting. culture! some brief but noteworthy highlights:

- Cambodia is ranked 137 out of 180 on the UN's Human Development Index, just below the Republic of the Congo (where slavery still exists). this means it's entirely possible i was the richest person in Cambodia during my trip. fortunately i dress extremely shabbily, so i was not kidnapped and held for ransom.

- it's important to have goals on any trip, even if you don't meet them all. here's my list and how well i did:

1. Catch a mogwai - failed.
2. Get outsmarted by an 8 year old girl - succeeded.
3. Eat a late term duck abortion - succeeded.
4. Bump into Jackee Harry in a seedy Thai brothel - failed.
5. Purchase my very own Short Round - failed.
6. Introduce the phenomenon known as Handsome Steve to a whole new continent:

Succeeded mightily.

- China Airlines, you don't technically have to provide me with endless entertainment options for the miserably long flight to and from Bangkok. I get that. But it's pretty dick of you to only show "I Love You, Beth Cooper" to the assholes like me in coach while the business and first classers get to play Super Mario World on their personal video displays. This is not justice.

- Local currency in Vietnam is the Dong. I think you all see where I'm headed with that.

ACTUAL LINE FROM AN EMAIL MY MOTHER JUST SENT ME

2009-10-01T13:56:00.002-04:00

My hairdresser went to Thailand some years ago and gave me a few suggestions to pass on to you. She said it's a truly enchanting, breathtakingly beautiful place (avoid the mostly HIV positive prostitutes, though, in spite of their beauty!)

more omegle fun

2009-09-29T17:51:00.001-04:00

Stranger: hey

You: hello

You: can i ask a random favor?

Stranger: you can ask

You: do you have a calculator?

Stranger: i do

You: i'm on one of those airport computers that doesn't have a program you can use

You: ok

You: you got it handy?

Stranger: yea

You: i just need to check the math on something before a big meeting i have

You: ok

You: put in

You: 55378008

You: now turn it upside down

You: GOT YOU GOOD SUCKA

You have disconnected.

how i know i'm mature

2009-09-29T17:05:00.002-04:00

i spell laser with an S, not a Z. "lazer" is only used by children who are desperately trying to prove themselves with unnecessary aggression. but when i point a used paper towel roll at you and inform you of your impending death by "laser", you know that i've put away childish things and am now a man.

check out the big brain on brett!

2009-09-28T22:49:00.002-04:00

as you may recall, bagel bites decided to throw their ad money behind the concept of "when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime." of course, i never questioned this as a child because a) the song was catchy and b) my mother certainly wasn't giving us bagel bites before school.

but, well, i'm calling bullshit, bagel bites. now i am a highly mature and accomplished professional, and i know at least one thing. if you offered me cold pizza for breakfast, i would probably say yes and smile.

if you offered to cook up some bagel bites for breakfast, i'd look at you like you were a serial killer.

friends forever

2009-09-25T15:51:00.001-04:00

jackson: whoa
since when are you more disgusting than me?
college changed me, bro
me: let's not be rash.
i fully expect you to make an anal prolapse joke at the wedding.
jackson: that's in our vows
and we chose the anal prolapse passage in I Corinthians
me: that is a beautiful one
jackson: wives should submit to their husbands and his anal prolapses
me: i hope there's someone doing it in sign language
i'm intrigued to know what the sign for that is.
jackson: oddly enough, it's very similar to the sign for "puppies"
gets very confusing for the deaf
little deaf girls begging their daddy for an anal prolapse

yet another cautionary tattoo tale

2009-09-25T14:27:00.003-04:00

somewhere out there, a man in his 40s is stuck with a tattoo that, at the time of its inking, was just sort of cheesy and unnecessary and mildly sleazy. but it wasn't full-blown creepy or disturbing.

this is that tattoo:

it's not his fault! he just wanted ladies at the poolside bar to know he was ready and willing to fulfill their most intense desires. and now he has to mow his lawn with a long sleeved shirt on lest his neighbors think he's going to chain their kids to his basement pipe.

heard on the R train last weekend

2009-09-18T10:14:00.000-04:00

"This R train is making all local stops, except for Lawrence Street. If you need to get to Lawrence Street, you can walk."

College Football Preview Extravaganza, Part 3

2009-09-14T18:43:00.003-04:00

(ok i know this is coming entirely too late to be a real preview. now shut your damn mouth.)

Washington State - Lite Brite

I care so little about both of these that I'm not even taking the time to write more than twenty-five words about them.

University of Nebraska - Risk

Honestly, Nebraska has been in a rebuilding mode for something like fifteen years now. Can't you decide if you're going to be awesome or terrible by now? The only thing that takes this unnecessarily long, of course, is Risk.

I estimate these people are on day five or so. God help them if Lil' Red takes Kamchatka.

Vanderbilt University - Croquet

Ever seen a black person play croquet?

Ever seen a black person root for Vanderbilt?

Ok, then.

(Seriously. When you're known as the "racist school" in the SEC, something is wrong.)

University of California, Los Angeles - Razor Scooters

Desperate to be as cool as their USC/Power Wheels brethren, the UCLA/Razor crowd is forever trying to play catchup, even when it's obvious to the rest of us that process is going to be a very, very, very long one.

Just stop being so defensive, kids. You're obviously poorer and less socially adept, and that's ok. Well, no, it isn't ok, but I'm supposed to tell you it is.

University of Alabama - Four Square

It can be very hard to make sense of 'Bama fans, until you realize that it's the state of Alabama, and there is absolutely nothing else to be excited about. Zero. So even when 'Bama sucks, these people are rabid, irrational, emotional powder-kegs.

Of course, they're also obsessed with their own greatness, which is why you will never spend more than seven minutes around a 'Bama fan without hearing something about their 12 championships. Problem is, some of those are total bullshit.

This of course, is tantamount to bragging about four-square wins from last month. One, the rules were totally different back then. Two, NOBODY CARES. It really only matters who's sitting in the king box now. So step up or shut up. And no carries.

Ohio State - Walkie Talkies

Walkie talkies are, at pretty much any age, really cool. I mean, everyone has a cell phone now, and if you asked me if I wanted to screw around with some walkie talkies in a Home Depot, I would be all about it. (This may just be a poor reflection on my maturity level.)

But...walkie talkies only do one thing. Versatility is not their strong suit. In fact, pretty much any secondary thing you try to do with a walkie talkie will break it.

Ohio State, you don't have to be Walkie Talkies. You have Terrelle Pryor! There are new and exciting defenses out there! The forward pass is now legal! Stop being so one-dimensional or you will continue slipping further from Great and deeper into Good.

Louisiana State University - Potato Gun

If you didn't have a redneck friend growing up, you may not know what a potato gun is. Courtesy of Wikipedia, a potato gun is "a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure, or combustion of a gaseous fuel, or both, to launch large projectiles at low speed. They are built to fire chunks of potato, as a hobby, or to fire other sorts of projectiles, for practical uses."

Not that I have any clue what a practical use for a potato gun would be.

In any event, a potato gun is fun and reckless and WOO LET'S SHOOT SOME SHIT UP. And eventually a spud gun is going to inadvertently backfire and hurt the user, who will not care because WOO I STOLE THIS BEER FROM SOME GUY'S OPEN GARAGE.

If you don't get how this is exactly like LSU, I really can't help you.

University of Arkansas - Dollar Store Water Gun

Granted this is more of a shot at Bobby Petrino, but if you think you can rely on either of these to work for more than a week, you're kidding yourself.

Texas Tech - GoldenEye

I refuse to listen to any claim that GoldenEye is anything but a fantastic work of kickassery. Yes, first person shooters have come a long way since, with stealth and cover taking an equal role to offense and firepower. I just simply don't care.

Mike Leach and the Air Raid offense could give two shits about how many points you score, because they are coming at you with two rocket launchers and the only escape route is covered in proximity mines. It is fantastically fun, even when it's a kamikaze mission.

Just cause you're 40 don't mean you can survive the twin DD44, Gundy.

University of Hawaii - Any Item from the Dentist's Toy Chest

I have met people who went to school at Hawaii, but I have never met anyone who ever seemed even slightly passionate about Hawaii football. This, of course, is entirely sensible. If I lived in Hawaii during my college years, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even know football was ever being played.

At the risk of coming off a bit classist, if your family can afford to send you to a dentist, you undoubtedly have SOME toys. And no matter how crappy those toys are, they are better than the choices in the toy chest, which by law must include:

- Fake money
- Wax lips
- Wacky wall climber
- Fake vampire teeth that cut your gums to ribbons

So childhood dentist-goers and Hawaii football "fans" really can't be expected to get all that hyped, now can they?

University of Oklahoma - Slap Bracelets

Everyone grew up being warned, by way of rumored anecdote, about the dangers of slap bracelets - watch out, you'll sever the blood vessels in someone's wrist and they'll DIE! Of course, this didn't actually stop anyone from using slap bracelets; to the contrary, I think we used them more hoping for that one perfect, murderous slap.

OU, despite its recurrent big-stage failings, has that same feel. They'll slap the shit out of Kansas State and Mizzou and the media will start getting excited. Look out, this time OU is dangerous - for reals. But look, they're just not. Good team, good coach, and that's it. I'm sorry. Slap bracelets and the Sooners have had plenty of chances to demonstrate their lethality. Please stop spreading these lies.

University of Tennessee - SimCity

Bear with me.

There are two ways you can play SimCity, which align near-perfectly with former coach Phil Fulmer and current coach Lane Kiffin.

Fulmer's tenure was like the kid who plays SimCity seriously. There's always a plan - develop infrastructure, expand commerce and industry, balance taxes to promote growth without shortchanging essential services. Even if you didn't agree with it, you couldn't say Fulmer didn't have a plan. Of course, things eventually crapped out in Knoxville, as a losing record there is about the same as a SimCity with no electrical power or police stations. (Editor's note - I am not sure that Knoxville has electrical power or police stations.)

Kiffin does not play that brand of SimCity. Instead, he's the kid with his mouse pointer constantly hovered over the "Disasters" menu, just seeing how flooded a mountainous region not near any major body of water can get. Alien invasions, earthquakes, tornadoes - fuck it, let's rock this! The ostensible point of SimCity is to try your hand at building and managing a teeming metropolis within the set confines of the game. Kiffin cares not. Kiffin just thinks it's funny that the fire stations can themselves catch on fire, and, admittedly, it sort of is. Ask a Tennessee fan what they think Kiffin's "plan" is and I'm betting it involves a lot about getting recruits charged up and stirring the media pot. I'm also betting it's pretty thin on that whole offense/defense/special teams part.

University of Texas - Nerf Weapons

Every nerf weapon is a little different, in the same way that Vince Young is not the same as Colt McCoy or Quentin Jammer is not the same as Cedric Griffin or Ricky Williams is not the same as Cedric Benson. But they were all pretty goddamned kickass at Texas. For some reason, UT is particularly good at shifting with their personnel rather than forcing players into positions where they won't necessarily succeed.

Nerf toys are much the same way - they shoot all sorts of crazy darts and balls and God knows what, and they have all sorts of counterlevers and catapults and gatling apparatuses by which they shoot these wonderful munitions. If I really try, I suppose I could think of a totally disappointing Nerf toy, and the same is true of Texas football (looking at you here, Chris Simms).

Last season, of course, many were incensed Texas didn't get it's National Title shot. In retrospect, I think that's also a shame, as I would have loved to see Texas/Nerf up against...

University of Florida - Super Soaker

Florida is fast, strong, and fairly disciplined on both sides of the ball. The weaknesses are few and far between - you're not going to beat UF by finding that one corner to pick on or that just-right blitz package that the o-line can't handle. Sure, you're gonna get some chances to make big plays, but you'd better take advantage because this team closes the windows of opportunity quickly.

The Super Soaker wasn't something brand new - just a revolutionary twist on an old concept. As non-maiming toys* go, it was a thing of beauty. The only defense you had was to hide and pray for the water tank to run dry. It had the precision accuracy of a water gun, the soaking potential of a water balloon, and the ridiculous pumping action of a twelve-gauge in a summer blockbuster.

Of course, if the Super Soaker DID run out of water, it was just a cheap piece of plastic, and that is a pretty damn heavy dropoff.

Which is to say that, given all the high expectations people have of this Florida team, I am nervous as hell that the water is going to run out at the worst possible moment.

* I readily concede Urban Meyer would fill a Super Soaker with bleach and aim for your eyes.

College Football Preview Extravaganza, Part 2

2009-09-06T23:54:00.011-04:00

Ole Miss - American Girl Dolls

Reliance on heavily romanticized history and backstory over actual quality or substance? Check and check.

Strong appeal to rich and privileged whites? Check and check.

Dangerous obsession with overly dandified clothing and accessories? Check and check.

Penn State - Clue

Penn State football and Clue don't appear to have changed an iota in the last forty years. Sure, they're a little slow, and a little predictable, and they're probably not going to win any beauty prizes, but let's give them both some credit for bringing consistent quality to the table.

JoePa's also killed a number of houseguests in his conservatory with a candlestick, but that's neither here nor there.

Texas A&M - My Buddy

A&M Coach Mike Sherman could not look less happy on the sideline, but he's not really pissed off, either. Sherman just seems totally joyless and apathetic.

I imagine this is the exact same face you'd make if you got a My Buddy for your 8th birthday. Let's go to the highly professional doctored photo:

SEAMLESS.

University of Kansas - Pogs

Kansas had a whirlwind rise to the upper echelon of college football - one which, in fairness, was reasonably justified. 12-1 with an Orange Bowl victory is nothing to sneeze at. But 2008 found Kansas falling back - not surprisingly because the schedule included Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Tech instead of Baylor, Texas A&M, and Oklahoma State.

Likewise, it's not that pogs weren't fun or exciting - they just didn't have any long-term appeal. Kansas has a meaty schedule again this year, and I'm afraid another 5 loss season will force me to decisively put them in the pogs category.

University of Maryland - Hungry Hungry Hippos

First off, congrats to Coach Ralph Friedgen for dropping 100 plus pounds in the last year. Bravo.

Second, apologies to Coach Ralph Friedgen, because that didn't stop me from making this picture.

Double Bravo.

University of Virginia - Beanie Babies

Ten or fifteen years ago, Beanie Babies were all the freaking rage. But they weren't just a toy (because, well, just as a toy they aren't that interesting). They were an investment. People seriously thought that collecting especially rare Beanie Babies was the road to early retirement. Many of those people lived in Tampa. Needless to say, those people are still living in Tampa, and it's not a matter of lifestyle choice.

Virginia hired Al Groh in 2000. At the time, I imagine they thought this was a sound investment for the future, and some of the early returns suggested that, yes, maybe this was a good idea! Talk to a UVA fan today and I doubt you'll get an enthusiastic support of Groh. But who the hell else is UVA gonna get at this point? Right now, Virginia is a lot like that Tampa woman with a garage full of Beanies - all broken dreams and no buyers.

University of Notre Dame - Easy Bake Oven

- Cutting edge, top quality, and king-of-the-mountain...25 years ago.

- Can't handle anything more complicated or challenging than cupcakes.

- Charlie Weis is a fatty.

University of South Florida - Troll Dolls

Like Kansas, USF suddenly ascended to the promised land of college football. Unlike Kansas, I have no idea why that actually happened. This team was ranked #2? Really?

The toy equivalent for this baffling rise is, of course, the Troll Doll. Girls in elementary school looooooooooooooooooooved these motherfuckers. And I still have no idea why. Ugly little pot belly demon with crazy hair somehow equals cute? Ok, whatever you say.

University of Pittsburgh - Silly Putty

Silly Putty is a pretty basic toy - you rub it against something, like Sunday's Calvin and Hobbes, and, presto, there it is on the putty in mirror image form.

Pitt Football under the Wannstache is pretty much the same: at best, it can only equal whatever it's presently matched up against. I cannot for the life of me remember the last time Pitt thoroughly outclassed an opponent. The West Virginia game two years ago was big, true, but even then Pitt mostly just played the Mountaineers at or near even.

University of Kentucky - 50 Piece Puzzle

I want to be careful here. It's not that Kentucky is a shitty team - if you don't come out ready to play, yes, Kentucky can beat you. Give Rich Brooks that much credit. That said, I somehow doubt any coach in college football is really racking his brain with how to gameplan for Kentucky. It's pretty basic - don't turn the ball over and don't make dumb penalties and at the end of the game chances are you're going to win. There's no wrinkle or unusual package Brooks is going to throw at you. He simply has no time for that shit.

This is why UK is like a 50 piece puzzle. It's not exactly hard, but it does take some modicum of attention and focus to master. But you're probably not feeling terribly intimidated.

Part 3 to come.

College Football Preview Extravaganza

2009-09-05T12:21:00.007-04:00

so two years ago this happened. and, because i am utterly predictable, i've decided to revive it for the 2009 college football season, with one slight tweak. this go 'round, we'll be comparing the programs to toys and games of my childhood.

because that's the mature thing to do. SHALL WE?

(oh, and of course this list will be SEC heavy. write what you know, sucka.)

University of Georgia - Legos

Legos are never a BAD pick as a childhood toy. Versatile, fairly reliable, capable of great things in the right hands. I think we'd all be reasonably comfortable applying those adjectives to Georgia football as a whole.

At the same time, it's not easy to make a case that Legos/UGA are the best childhood toy or football team. Those who do try to make either argument always come off just a little bit irrationally obsessed, because they refuse to acknowledge that, in either category, there is one fatal inevitable fact: Just when your Lego structure/UGA team is looking really really sweet, some bigger bully kid/team is gonna come kick it all to pieces.

Georgia Tech - K'Nex

Fans of K'Nex are probably, as a group, smarter, more motivated, and more innovative than the Lego demographic.

But if you think K'Nex are better than Legos, you, sir, are out of your fucking skull.

Virginia Tech - Skip It

We're going quite literal here. VT ran for 23 touchdowns last year. They passed for six.

You see the parallel? Like Skip It, VT ONLY WORKS ON THE GROUND. (It's also a little bit fruity.)

Damn, I'm clever.

University of California-Berkeley - Tamagotchi

If I'm not mistaken, Tamagotchi was one of the first "virtual pets." And, damn, was that shit hyped up. It responds to your commands! It needs your love! The same is true of a goddamn hamster.

I say this to point out that Cal is similarly consistently overrated at the beginning of a season. Guess what people? NATE LONGSHORE SUCKS BALLS. Deal with it. Go ahead and rank Cal #12. By week 8 they'll be in the "Also Receiving Votes" category, covered in their own feces.

Florida State University - Game Boy

University of Miami - Game Gear

Like the Game Boy and Game Gear, these two teams were just asskickingly sweet...in the mid to late 90s. The battle for which was supreme was really, really hard to settle, and I don't think we can say now whether one was clearly superior.

They have since settled into total irrelevance, which honestly makes me a little sad for them. But we're going to have to accept that, for the time being, fond memories of yesteryear are the best these programs have going for them.

(joke about Bobby Bowden still not being able to figure out how to turn on a Game Boy)

University of South Carolina - Tiger Handheld Games

Ok, so this is more about Ole Ball Coach than it is about the Gamecocks, but whatever. Having just returned from Columbia, those fans are an embarrassment to the near-criminal overzealousness that is SEC football.

Steve Spurrier and the Fun 'N Gun in the 90s were just a complete delight of big plays and loud noises and HO MY! This was particularly impressive once we all realized that OBC was doing this with, um, some less than pro talent players. (See, e.g., NFL careers of Reidel Anthony and Jacquez Green.)

Tiger Games were pretty much the same damn thing - certainly not as stacked as the Game Boys or Game Gears but surprisingly competitive in the fun department. Yeah, Batman had only three animations (kick, punch, batarang), but Tiger made road trips bearables for those of us without all the comforts of a rich childhood. And like Spurrier, they had to be working with scraps.

Now? Tiger and Spurrier stubbornly refused to change with the times, and, well, here we are.

University of Illinois - See And Say

See and Say is a very basic child's toy. It is meant to teach you only the bare minimum about animals and their stereotypical noises. Two year old you will learn that the Cow says "Moo" - not that the Cow has multiple stomachs or is a major source of methane gas in the atmosphere.

Ron Zook's offense is a very basic offense. It is meant to teach you that you can run the bubble screen on second down or the shotgun draw on third down. Illini fans will learn that a college football offense can run and pass for short yardage and occasionally kick a field goal - not that said offense could also use effective play-action or stretch the field with deep passes or exploit matchup weaknesses.

I swear I'm not bitter.

Mississippi State - Micro Machines

It's very hard to take either of these seriously, especially given all the other better and bigger and faster and shinier options out there.

But Dan Mullen worries me, in the same way that Micro Machines should worry the Wet Bandits. I'm not saying it's going to be this year, but I wouldn't be totally shocked if Mullen figures out how to take a collection of seemingly non-threatening players and arrange them such that the 'Bamas and LSUs of the world come storming down the hall, slip on the Micro Machines, and snap a tibia.

Tortured metaphors rule.

University of Washington - Bop It

Sorry, but 0-12 gets you matched up with the toy which is purely the recipient of physical abuse.

Boise State - Teddy Ruxpin

Jesus, enough with the fucking blue turf already. We get it. It was neat at first - much like some creep-o automatronic bear with a cassette player for a spine. Now it just sort of makes me queasy.

Syracuse - Furby

One of my friends in elementary school had a sister, and that sister got a Furby one Christmas. We promptly put it in the freezer to see what would happen, and after two hours next to the Flavor-Ice, it just said "Brrrr!" over and over until we took the battery out.

It is this same sense of low-level sociopathy that will lead me to watch more Syracuse football than I otherwise might, because QB1 Greg Paulus is going to get fucked up.

Clemson University - Slip 'N Slide

Clemson is sort of the East Coast version of Cal - big expectations followed by the inevitable mid-season collapse. Or at least they were until last year, when they just sucked throughout. But, frankly, I have no idea what to expect from this team, and it wouldn't be ludicrous to suggest that they'll beat Ga Tech, get to 3-0 heading into the TCU game, generate a ton of buzz, and then shit the bed to pieces.

Basically, everything's great at Clemson until it isn't. Slip 'N Slide is the same way - you can have two, three hours of solid fun, enjoying the outdoors, maybe impressing the 6th grade girls, but, sooner or later, somebody's twisting an ankle or cutting their lip open and Mom is storming out and reading you the riot act for being a dumbass.

Auburn University - Ant Farm

Tommy Tuberville's Auburn was like a really high-end kid's telescope. Maybe it didn't look all that great in the package, and maybe it was a little bit of a letdown as a gift, but once it really got calibrated in juust the right way, well, it rocked.

Then you accidentally broke the telescope, and your parents FLIPPED. You just weren't responsible enough for nice things, anymore, so this year you got an ant farm for your birthday.

Gene Chizik is that ant farm. And, in the quiet words of Mitch Hedberg, those fuckers ain't growing shit.

Arizona State - Twister

Technically, Arizona State is a football team, and Twister is a kid's game. But they're both really just a thin pretense to feel on a drunk girl's boobs.

University of Southern California - Power Wheels

Kids who had a Power Wheels were hot shit, and they damn well knew it. Could you ride it? Yeah, sure, but be careful because YOU ARE NOT TRULY WORTHY, WORM. Power Wheels kids have the same sort of casual cockiness as USC fans. It's as if they're saying, yes, we're so much better than most of you that it need not even be said. Have a pity ride.

University of Michigan - Rollerblades

We can all agree that the RichRod era at WVU was like watching someone really good on rollerblades - fast, flashy, and kickass even while they were skating circles around you. Maybe you hated it, but you couldn't help but admire.

So Michigan figures, hey, that looks fun, we want that! But...well...rollerblades don't work so well on the ice. And you sort of need to have the talent to use the rollerblades. So basically we've sent a kickass pair of rollerblades to a fat Michigan kid who's used to trudging slowly in snowshoes without any quick change of direction. And I think I just explained last season.

West Virginia - The Game of Life

Of course, it's not like losing Rollerblades Rodriguez was that awesome for the Mountaineers. Bill Stewart is the kind of coach who would rather save timeouts for a rainy day and run the ball on 3rd and 5 because, hey, let's not get risky here. Responsibility is the name of the game.

I mean, Life is a child's board game with PROMISSORY NOTES. I'm 26 and I have student loans and a J.D. and I barely know what a promissory note is. This game and this coach need to loosen the hell up.

Part 2 to come.

the only thing more pathetic than a BBMak song coming on the radio at the gym

2009-08-30T19:27:00.000-04:00

is catching yourself saying, "hey, isn't this a BBMak song?"

breakfast time, 08/26/09

2009-08-26T12:52:00.002-04:00

- i'll give this much to the new york city subway passengeriat (totally a word): they do keep you guessing. on my way home last night, a guy decided to cram himself next to me into the corner seat, despite it not being all that crowded. he had a black garbage bag and a backpack on. and he proceeded to pull a fifth of vodka out of the backpack and put it into the garbage bag, uncap it, and start-a-guzzling. i've seen plenty of people brown-bag in this city before, but that might be the first glad-bagging i've ever witnessed.

- ok, so in searching for weird tampa news, i came across an article with the headline "5th Grader Misses His First Day of School." i thought, oh, well, i'm sure there's some weird twist or fuck-up in this story, like the school turned out to be an abandoned hospital, or the 5th grader was actually an alligator.

nope. this story is about some stupid mixup where the school didn't have the kid on the roster so they didn't let him attend. BIG FUCKING WHOOP. with all the low-grade narcotics and accidental weapons discharges in tampa, you can do better than this, local news.

- like, for instance, this old-timey article from the times! you don't have to click that link, i'm happy to transcribe:

From a June 13, 1893 article about a meeting of the Brooklyn Bridge Trustees:

"The Trustees promptly declined to allow John H. O'Brien of Brooklyn to be a vendor of beer at the Brooklyn tower of the bridge. Mr. O'Brien offered to pay for that privilege $5,000 the first year and $1,000 a year for ten years. He agreed to bind himself to observe the excise law and to sell such a good quality of liquor that his patrons could with safety look down on the East River and have no desire to jump."

A-mazing. Two comments.

1. Trustees, I would like to revisit this issue, and I am willing to DOUBLE Mr. O'Brien's bid.

2. Has anyone ever committed suicide because they were served liquor of extremely poor quality? I can only see this happening if I ordered a beer and it came with my mother's severed head in it, Seven style.

- Tip of the Day from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

Hospital Stays

We are so short of hospitals that it isn't even possible today to name one's accommodations if you are an emergency patient. You may land in a semiprivate room or even a ward, may have to have floor nursing. This means great curtailment of your notions of service. You may not summon floor nurses as you would a private nurse, and you must consider at all times that you do not occupy the quarters by yourself - the other patient or patients must be considered. Actually, once you get used to the lack of privacy, a pleasant roommate may speed your recovery, although an inconsiderate one can certainly slow it up.

reason 57 i'm really glad to have all my hair

2009-08-24T21:55:00.001-04:00

Jessica: thoughts on brett favre?

me: hate that guy
Jessica: me too

me: but the NFL doesn't do much for me these days

Jessica: nor i. though i just discovered the seahawks quarterback is quite attractive.

me: matt hasselbeck?

your standards baffle me

Jessica: hmm

not so sure about this upon a google image search

def better with a hat on

ok - i think i take it back

breakfast time, 08/24/09

2009-08-24T09:24:00.004-04:00

- oh, i see what you did here, subway tagger.

quite the double-entendre! you must be a cambridge man.

- i am not the first internet soldier to comment on the possibly imminent arrival of KFC's Double Down sandwich. but i do believe i'm one of the first to observe that, beyond its horrifying health profile, it's an idea completely thieved from 30 Rock.

have you no artistic decency, colonel?

- my love/hate relationship with florida grows stronger with every news story like this one. i just hope one day our children will live in a world where booze + sword = a ticker-tape parade befitting a people's champion.

- Tip of the Day from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

Words and Phrases Often Incorrectly Used and Pronounced

Hairdo - This ugly word has been admitted to American dictionaries because people have trouble pronouncing the more attractive French word "coiffure" and get that confused with "coiffeur", a male hair-dresser. Word-sensitive people either use coiffure or some substitute, "Have you arranged (or fixed) your hair in a new way?"

Pardon Me - This is a rude order. One says instead, "Please excuse me" or "I beg your pardon" or "Please forgive me."

Drapes - Advertising term for "draperies" or "curtains." It should never be used in conversation.

- Special Football-Is-Almost-Here-Rejoice-And-Be-Glad Bonus:

seen at the classon avenue station

2009-08-23T05:46:00.003-04:00

brace yourselves, because this is unspeakably crude.

sickening, i know. "hUrray"??? unless a.a. milne wrote this, i deem this completely unacceptable.

people are awful

2009-08-22T19:48:00.003-04:00

i was in the grocery store for fifteen, twenty minutes tops today, and it was a freaking sideshow of human ineptitude. first on the list was a mother with her two children in the produce section. the older one was climbing around - on the produce. when i left he was sitting on the grapes.

moved to the bread aisle, where i saw a man reach into his cart of reserved-but-unpurchased items, pick out a bag of lays, open it, and start eating them. again, in the grocery store. i mean, i know they can scan the empty bag at the register, but really.

frozen foods had a middle aged man pushing a cart with a child sitting in it. he was wearing tie dye pants. i'm sorry, that was an unclear antecedent, perhaps you thought i meant the boy. i did not. what were these pants made of? i'm not really sure, but my guess would be a blend of polyester and pure horror.

fortunately, right at that moment, "Jessie's Girl" came on, and all was right in my world again. may the lord bless you and keep you, rick springfield.

breakfast time, 08/20/09

2009-08-20T10:29:00.002-04:00

- "Florida is like if the Saw film franchise and a pile of sand fucked each other." Sounds a little generous, actually; at least the Saw movies make some attempt at intelligent crime.

- I think SkyMall is trying to make a statement about American culture and health by putting this item number one in the "Sports" section.

- The man on the subway this morning wearing his "Interview With The Vampire" t-shirt with the sleeves cut off was trying to send two messages, I believe:

1. All you recent fans of the Twilight series or True Blood, know that I am no newcomer to the vampire genre. My knowledge spans from Polidori's The Vampyre to the Malaysian myth of the Penanggalan. Your appreciation is limited at best, and I seriously doubt you'll ever take the time to investigate the relationship between vampirism and the pathology of porphyria as I have.

2. I sweat from my pits like crazy.

- One more Omegle experience:

You: hello

Stranger: Hey

You: so what do you do for a living

Stranger: mooch from my parents

Stranger: I'm 15

Stranger: u?

You: damn, i'm trying to find someone who knows about chemistry

You: i'm taking my firefighter exam next week

Stranger: what about chemistry?

Stranger: There's a slight possibility i can help

Stranger: Try me

You: ok, worth a shot

You: anyways they have all these questions about what you should use in certain situations

You: since you can't just rely on water all the time to put out fire

Stranger: Yeah

You: so here's a sample question, let me know what you think

You: A call is put out from the local zoo, where a fire has broken out in one of the veterinary outposts.

You: The following animals are on fire

Stranger: lol seriously in the exam?

Stranger: animals on fire?

You: A bear, a tortoise, and a dolphin

You: yes!

Stranger: That's just not possible to believe it's in the test O__o

You: Question 1:
What is the best combination of extinguishing agent to use on the bear?
a) Calcium carbonate and sawdust
b) Vinegar and table salt
c) Potter's clay and honey mustard
d) Baking soda and aluminum foil

You: I feel like the answer is C

You: Since, you know, bears and honey.

- Today's Helpful Tip from Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette:

Swimming

When swimming, you do not swim beneath the diving board, for reasons that should be perfectly obvious, or jump off a raft into the midst of water-treading or floating bathers - instead you slip off backwards to create the least possible backwash. A man should be perfectly objective about his figure before deciding in favor of extremely attenuated costumes.

Any woman less bony than a shad looks ridiculous in a bra-top bathing suit and one that doesn't at least partly cover her thighs. If she has anything even slightly resembling a rubber tire around her middle, let her choose a bathing suit that will cover, or better, mildly control it. The bikini is for perfect figures only and for the very young. To swim is to make a very public appearance.

more adventures in roommate-dom

2009-08-19T14:31:00.002-04:00

(after someone made this bucatini all'amatriciana and someone else thiefed some for someone's lunch)

roommate: that pasta was DELISH.

me: ignoring you

roommate: what?! i'm giving you a COMPLIMENT

me: in a way

it's sort of like someone carjacking you

and as they drive off

they say "wow you really keep the interior clean"

callin' you out, sucka

2009-08-17T23:09:00.002-04:00

roommate returned from a weekend in florida this evening and announced her arrival thusly:

"hey, i was gonna try and bring you back a publix sub, but i didn't think it would hold up in transit."

(please note, i'm making her sound much more eloquent than she is.)

as a counterpoint, here is a list of far more fragile things that, miracle of miracles, were able to be transported from one place to another without serious damage:

The Rosetta Stone

Henry VIII's Armor

Faberge Eggs

The mummified body of Ramesses I

Regular Eggs

Babies

Origami

The Elderly

Graham Cracker Crusts

Porcelain Dolls

Papyrus

The Statue of Liberty

but you're right, roommate, the oil and vinegar would leave the bread AWFULLY soggy.

Bring out your dead!

Breakfast Time, 12/13/10

Breakfast Time, 12/2/10

The most sacrilegious thing you'll read all day, unless you get a drunken sext from Christopher Hitchens

EMERGENCY HALLOWEEN COSTUME

Give a man a flux capacitor, and he time travels for but a day

well, this is horrifying

OK I'M SORRY GOSH

Breakfast Time, 08/13/10

facebook: a wonderful source for unintentional comedy

the low hanging fruit that is craigslist

i don't know why i made this

Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Want Star Wars To Be Ruined For You Forever

why plinko is the path of least resistance

Text Messages I Received Back-To-Back That Are Not Related But I Wish They Were

goddammit, webmd

your SAT word of the day

incongruous (adjective)

i knew those vuvuzelas looked familiar

please explain this

sorry fellas, she's taken

our collective childhood was not as perfect as it seemed

profiles in stupidity

It is a sad day when you reach for a beer and a piece of raw cookie dough in the fridge after eating too much pasta (with garlic) and convince yourself they're both "palette cleansers."

breakfast time, 05/05/10

dammit i HATE when this happens

random thoughts so just deal with it

so this is a real thing

breakfast time, 04/12/10

breakfast time, 3/31/10

fucking pittsburgh

filed under "things i don't want to be told"

which movie character are you least like?

An itinerant, footloose army of available and willing retirees in their 60s and 70s is marching through the American outback...

nothing makes sense any more

the softest generation

weekend breakfast time

please do not attempt to leave your homes

breakfast time, 01/28/10

breakfast time, 01/21/10

politics!

being a toys "r" us kid is not always an advantage

i take it back, west virginia does suck

breakfast time, 01/19/10

confusing friends

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

It's just the two raptors, right? You're sure the third one's contained?

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - January 4 through January 7

SCIENCE IS NEAT, file 73

breakfast time, 01/04/10

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - January 2

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 31

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 30

breakfast time, 12/30/09

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 29

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 28

breakfast time, 12/28/09

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - December 26

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Hawaii Bowl

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - Poinsettia Bowl

putting it on the record

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Orleans Bowl

a sad epiphany

H. Steve's 2009 Bowl Preview - New Mexico Bowl & St. Petersburg Bowl

profiles in sadness

breakfast time, 12/11/09

here comes the hotstepper

breakfast time, 12/08/09

the following is some true shit

there is nothing i don't love about this picture

HOLY SHIT I'M IN SPACE Y'ALL

omegle returns, or, really, i'm a grown man with a job

breakfast time, 11/17/09

rantings of a long island prisoner

out of office

yes you can!

this is why intraconference dating is a bad idea

breakfast time, 11/4/09

snuggie, the blanket with sleeves and hate!

election day